2007

I know. The "recaps" are getting a little redundant, but they're necessary. For some reason I feel compelled to document the highlights (or lowlights, whichever you prefer) of my year.

I can think of no better way to start off a year than by worshipping with tens of thousands, and learning from some well known, admirable Christians. Passion07 was most definitely the first of many highlights. (See Passion07 and Journal for more details.)

That same month, a chapter that I thought (and feared) was forever closed reopened. The relationship that crumbled (and my heart along with it) during the summer of 2006 was suddenly and unexpectedly being pieced back together. I was incredibly excited, yet incredibly confused, scared, hesitant, and cautious.

February flew by, and in March I decided that the spring semester would be my last. I didn't want to teach, I didn't want to be in a public college...I wanted to be married. Some arrangements were "made" so that that desire would be fulfilled the following year.

In May, I visited Liberty University. It was love at first sight. That same week, the founder of the University, Dr. Jerry Falwell, passed away. My friends Robby and Emily wed on the 19th, which was exciting and odd. That same time one year prior, Robby was single, and interning at my church, and had no clue that Emily even existed. My how things change within a year!

In June, the relationship that began in January ended exactly as it began: suddenly and unexpectedly. I was surprised at how "ok" with it I was. To this day, I haven't shed a tear over the loss. The break up quickly ushered me into the next chapter of my life; I applied to Liberty University, and started classes on August 20th.

In September I moved from the Campus East dorms to the Aarons Place townhouse with Ashley and Naomi. I've loved every minute of it. (Well, minus the 28 days of Hishge!)

I love the scenery of Lynchburg, and the spirit of Liberty, but the friendships that formed within the last few months of 2007 have made the Burg home.

As tacky as this will sound, Nate is by far my best "guy" friend. I honestly believe that my first semester at Liberty wouldn't have been the same without him. We have this great 40/60 relationship (just kiddin Nate!). He doesn't know it, but he provided great encouragement and love on the rare hard, lonely, tearful nights. God used you, Nate. Thank you.

Ashley, Naomi, and Allen are next on the BFF list. : ) I don't think I've ever laughed more than I have with the three of them.

Late in the semester, I met Jordan, Chris, Sam, Nikki, and way late...Grant. They probably don't know how much of a blessing they were and are, and how much they challenge me spiritually. (Especially Grant.)

Speaking of "spiritually," I was challenged in ways I've never been. I learned much; about God, His Word, and His relation to me/me to Him. I realized how undisciplined I am, and how I had forgotten my first love. I went through a month of complacency/bitterness, but came out reminded of God's love and faithfulness and sovereignty.

I wasn't happy with my "lot" in life at that moment (which is a mark of immaturity and doubt) and through that, I gave Satan a foothold, both in my relationship with God, and with others. It didn't take too long for God to correct that though. (He always wins.)

I came home in December for break, had a wonderful Christmas, and a not so wonderful working experience. (But it ends tomorrow!)

On to the closing remarks: Things rarely turn out the way they're "supposed" to. That's because I am not the determiner of things, of which I am so thankful. One thing I've had to constantly remind myself, and I think I've finally accepted, is that dwelling on the past is extremely counterproductive. If things that were, are no more, then so be it. It is wasted time and energy to think about how I might have done things differently, or to simply think of the "no more". It will undoubtedly hold me back. I MUST refuse to allow this to happen. There are few unseen (and un-Divine) forces as strong as the mind and its thoughts...I alone am responsible for them.

It's a battlefield.

But I am more than a conqueror...

Farewell, 07!

Why?

Here's a quote and some thoughts that it stirred:

"The empty tomb was the answer to the cross."
-Gary Habermas

Jesus, in the midst of his greatest moment of suffering, asked God "why?"

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

God never gave Jesus a direct answer (we assume). But Jesus, in God's perfect orchestration, received the answer the moment he walked out of that tomb. Again and again he received answers as he saw his disciples face to face once more. So why did He do it?

Love.

The same occurs with us during our trials. We are almost always sure to ask "why" when we suffer, and God never says "because of this and this and this and this." With time answers reveal themselves. Sometimes they don't. This doesn't make God any less true or trustworthy.

Trials don't exist to prove God's faithfulness to us. They prove our faith in Him.

November

Sometimes I forget I have this thing.

While I did manage to get one post up during November, it was all about October. So, here's November:

First off, it's probably the fastest month I've experienced in my life so far. I went home for the week of Thanksgiving, and I missed Liberty the whole time. I wasn't really prepared to discover that home isn't home anymore.

I decided to spend my time with people I don't normally allocate time for; Jeph, Andy, Alex, David. (Maybe that's why it didn't feel like home...) It was o.k.

I finished out the last week of November in the Burg. It was a rough week, to say the least. The details are too "detailed" for the internet, so I'm going to have to keep that on the D.L.

So there you go. November. Not much to it.

October

So I managed to make it through the whole month of October without posting a blog.

I say that like it's something I actually tried to achieve. I just haven't had the time or energy to. That's changing now though. I've been investing far too much time into social activity. Worse yet, the internet. (Nerd!) But two nights ago I decided not to get online, on AIM, or on the phone past 11 pm. It's amazing how productive I've been in the last 36 hours! I typed a 7 page paper, rearranged/cleaned my room, and read for youth ministry.

Back to October.

Quite an eventful month. I went home during the first weekend. (Fall Break.) Made some new friends (Jon, Nikki, Steven, and Jordan Davis). Went to Charlottesville for a MuteMath concert. Bought a bed. Dealt with my mom's appendix exploding. (OK, so it didn't really explode...but it sounds cool.) Carved a pumpkin. Had a Halloween Party. (I was a fairy.) Umm...had some promises broken, and was lied to.

There ya go...October in a nutshell! Or should I say pumpkin seed shell?

Apart from the external events, I had a few internal realizations. I learned a few things about God, about myself, and about others.

What did I learn, you ask?

You'll find out in the next post! (If you're lucky...) ; )

Late Night Post

I'm stuck awake, perfect time for another attempt at a random post!

Today was probably THE best day I've had at Liberty so far. Classes were great. Then after class I went to the post office and met a lady who told me about a church that I hope to visit. I'd only known the lady for five minutes and when we left, she gave me a super long hug. It was such a blessing...I haven't had a long hug in a while. (I miss you JuJu-Bee...can't wait til the 29th!)

My youth ministry professor suggested today that the parable of the Prodigal Son isn't about backsliders who recognize the error of their ways and eventually return to the Lord. Instead, the Prodigal was lost to begin with. The Gentiles would have identified with him. The pharisees would have identified with the older son that gets jealous, though he was always with the father. If this is true, then what of backsliders? Is there really such a thing as a backslidden believer? Maybe not...

Think of the parable of the four seeds. One seed never sprouts. Two seeds fall on separate grounds and produce temporary results. They appear to hold the promise of being fruitful and true, but both die.

Only one yields a harvest. Only one is proven true.

I don't believe that a true child of God can lose their salvation. But the more I study, the more I believe that one can have the appearance of a genuine believer, only to be proven false in the long wrong.

Think of Judas. He was one of the twelve disciples. He beheld God in the flesh. He actually kissed the face of God. Yet the kiss was one of betrayal. He had the appearance of a disciple, but was untrue.

Scary.

Like the title of this post says...it's late. I would love to expand, but my brain is shutting down. Maybe I'll pick up where I've left off some other day.

Can't Relate

Relationships are so complicated...at least for me they are. I have so many reservations, fears, and insecurities. I always have my defenses up, and I question EVERYTHING. Lord, help my future husband. He's gonna have his hands full in the beginning of our relationship!

I get to see Ella and Luke in 3 days! I can't wait. Luke's gonna be my cuddle buddy.

I need a dog. Or a really good teddy bear. Or I could just kidnap Luke.

I saw Evan Almighty tonight. Just to clarify, the flood was indeed about God's wrath...not about people 'working together in pairs'. That's just silly. One thing I did like: "God" says, "If you ask God for patience, He won't give you patience, He'll give you the opportunity to be patient."

Well...good night.

None

So I painted on a canvas for the first time last night. It was really relaxing and mind-emptying. (Because I would try really hard to think of something to paint, but nothing would come!) I'll have to start doing it when I have alot on my mind and want a break.

I'm beginning to feel complacement. I would contribute it to not having enough time to get plugged in to anything, but that's not it. My personal, individual alone time with the Lord is just slackin. I love Liberty, and learning about the Lord in class, but I sometimes fear that it will become routine. That my relationship with God will become less intimate and more "knowledge driven". I really don't want to be one of those people.

Today I was thinking about how easy it is for a person to appear one way, and be COMPLETELY different when you get to know them. For example, someone can have the appearance of being full of integrity, honesty, faithfulness, compassion, and passionate about the will of God. But then you get to know them, and you find that NONE of these things (or any other qualities that you may like to add) are accurate descriptions of the person.

This was really discouraging to me...because it's usually not until after you've developed a certain level of respect, admiration and even love for this person that the facade begins to fade. So then I'm faced with this dilemma: how do you trust that the person you're talking to is really who they appear to be? Is it possible to find someone who really is what you see?

Then I thought about this: I can't see the Lord, but I never question His character. He doesn't change. He is always who He says He is. Sometimes I long to see Him, to literally feel Him, to be held and comforted by Him, but I find greater comfort in knowing that He is Truth. He will not disappoint. He will not fail. My eyes may not catch glimpse of Him, but my heart sees Him.

And He is absolutely breathtaking.

Homesick

Welcome to my first case of homesickness.

I've always been pretty independent, so missing home this much is quite a surprise to me.

I enjoy Liberty. I really do. I love the mountains, and having to use my Bible for homework, and praying before starting every class, and meeting friendly people, and Campus church, etc. But for some reason I find myself being reminded of high school.

Yay for high school!

Sike.

That's what makes me miss home: the lack of anything even similar to high school. No drama. No girls that are consumed with guys and checking them out and finding "the one." Another thing that's weird...having everything you say repeated to someone else. I hate that. Actually, maybe I don't. It holds me accountable.

The bigger issue, the one that really made me long for a familiar face and voice, especially a long hug and encouraging words, is pretty complicated and can't be openly discussed on this "public blog". So, I'll try to explain it as best I can. I was spending alot of very enjoyable time with a friend, but the decision was made tonight that the friendship should probably come to an end, because it's effecting another friendship in a negative way. Blah. So now I'm afraid I won't enjoy it here as much as I have been. Lame-o. This silly drama is just lame. o.

Well anyway, I was going to complain some more, but I don't want to.

Oh...I do have some happy stuff to share. Tonight I had a little date with God. What started out as a very lonely event lead me to a quiet spot where I could watch fireworks and just meditate on the Lord and His Word. It was so warm and comforting and peaceful.

I love Him so much.

Something I wrote a while ago...

Oh God, be near to this broken heart
Though it seems there's not much,
I pour it out to You
For You are my refuge

I can't take back what I handed over
to wreckless hands
and an unsovereign heart

But your gentle whisper steals me away:
"No one will take her from My hands."

So be at rest once more, O my soul
For the Lord has been good to you.

Approach the throne of grace
With confident faith
The grace that makes all things new.

I will be strong, I will take heart
Lord I will wait for You.

Psalm 19:14

It's really hard to come back to a quiet office after working on houses with a bunch of crazy middle schoolers for a week. It makes me miss it, and them, even more.

Psalm 19:14 says this: "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." The Spirit recalled this verse to my memory countless times while working on the houses, especially when my mind started to wander. (Which is almost always!) I realized how often the meditations of my heart are not pleasing in His sight. They're so counterproductive. They're so pointless and silly and just a waste of time. They distract me from the Lord's voice and from His leading, and they kept me from seeing clearly for two years. Two. Years. That is ridiculous.

But finally, during a week when I thought God would be using me to change someone else's world, He used eight 14, 15, and 16 year olds, and one 21 year old to change mine. He moved in my heart and I feel so…weightless. My heart is no longer bound to lies and selfish, ignorant longing. Things are clear yet unclear, but in an amazing way. The clarity is liberating, and the lack thereof is exhilarating.

The course of my life has taken an extremely unexpected turn in the past month, and for the first time in a long time, I'm smiling at the future. I'm so excited about watching things unfold, and watching God do with me whatever He wants.

I have a really hard time finding random things to discuss on my blog. Crazy, I know. (Especially if you know me.) I'm attempting to do just that with this post.

First…I'm moving to Virginia. I'm crazy excited. Yesterday while talking to Emily, I compared it to having a new "love"…I get giddy. Is that weird? Anyway, I'm moving up to Lynchburg and going to Liberty University. (I still can't believe it…if you only knew how anti-Liberty I was two months ago.) I'll be majoring in Women's Ministry, which is the source of most of my gid. Don't ask me what I'm going to do with that major, cause I don't have an answer. Hey, I just realized that today is exactly one month before I leave.

Moving on. Last night I was laying (lying?) awake in my bed thinking. I was thinking about hearts and love, and Song of Solomon, and relationships, and the Nooma "Flame". The bride in 'Song' urges women not to awaken love until it so desires. But how do you do that!? This frustrates me. How do you know when love desires to be aroused? Must it be very slow and gentle, starting with consciousness, then a gradual opening of the eyes as things slowly come into focus? Or is it startling, tense, heart-racing? Maybe it's both. I don't know…and I don't like that.

I was also thinking about a woman's love. When a woman gives her heart away, really gives her heart, it's almost impossible for her to take it back. That's probably why the Bride urged us to be cautious. But again, how do we know when it's ok to let our guard down?

Lord, help me.

Then I thought about the three different Hebrew words for love, especially ahava; love of the will (I think it's ahava, either that or raya).

And right before I finally gave up my seemingly futile thought process, I thought about how so many men abuse the heart of a woman. They have no idea what they're doing. (Women are selfish too, but I think the difference is that they DO know what they're doing! They know they're manipulating.) I know I'm not the origin of this phrase, but I love it, and I'm saying it now to all the men who ever take the time to read this thing: Don't ask for a woman's heart until you're willing to ask for her hand in marriage.

Conqueror?

I'm in the midst of the biggest battle yet.

And I feel so defeated.

So…out of control.

I'm more than a conqueror, right?

It says so in Romans 8:37 – "No, in all things we are more than conquerors…"

Here's the key, the rest, the part I must be forgetting – "…through Him who loved us."

For some reason I can't fully process that though. What is my problem? I realized today that the heartbreak I experienced, and the fear, doubt, lack of trust that resulted, are nothing compared to the heartbreak that Jesus felt on the cross. What would we do if he held that over us? What would we do if he responded to his heartbreak the way I've responded to mine?

Here's where the battle comes in…

What if my lack of trust is legitimate? Can I really trust my heart with him? (Not talking about the Lord here…)

Sometimes when I remove myself from this situation it seems so trivial, so ridiculous. Is this something that should be weighing me down as much as it is?

Ugh…I'm so sick of thinking!

Father, teach me to trust in YOU with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. Make my paths straight. Forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for not loving or forgiving like I should. Renew a steadfast spirit within me. Show me that I am more than I conqueror, not by my own strength, but solely through the perfect love of your perfect son, Jesus Christ.

Just Don't Seem to Mend

Today is a significant day. Every time I write '6/4/07' on the little pink message pads at work, bittersweet memories resurface...especially the hard-to-supress bitter ones. I hate it. Not necessarily the event, but the fact that I can't forget it.
I actually tried to tell myself yesterday that my heart wasn't really broken. That made me laugh.

Why is it taking me so long to get completely over this? Maybe it stems from the "lessons" taught in my history classes. "Those who fail to remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Maybe, in some twisted way, I believe that if I hold on to it it won't hurt as much if it happens again. (Key word: if.) But what really happens is that I become paranoid and untrusting. Here's my version: "Those who fail to let go of the past are condemned to become psycho".

This fear is like a plague. It keeps resurfacing. That's when I take different approaches, like the other day, trying to convince myself that my heart wasn't really broken. The problem is that the problem isn't mine to fix, and I forget that all too often.

How does true restoration take place? I know the ultimate answer...the 'end'...but what are the 'means'?

Still Small Voice

I'm a huge Smallville fan. Huge. My cousin Jon, my aunt Susy and I are currently on a "Smallville Marathon," (and have been for two months) watching every episode from every season. We've made it to Season 3, with only two more episodes to go!

For those who don't know, Smallville is the story of Superman before he was Superman. Throughout the show, he develops new powers and such. A couple of nights ago, we were watching an episode where Clark becomes blind, but while he's blind his hearing becomes incredibly sensitive. In an attempt to help Clark hone in on his hearing abilities, Jonathan Kent turns on all the machines in the barn, walks to the other side of the barn, and whispers, "Clark, listen for my voice. Focus. Clark, focus." A smile breaks across Clark's face as he hears his dad's faint voice among the racket going on around him.

I smiled too, at the symbolism of this scene in correlation to my Father.

My mind is constantly racing. It honestly never stops…especially when it comes to thoughts of the future, the things I can't see. But all the while, God, in his still, small voice, is reminding me to focus on Him. His voice really can and does rise above doubts, fears, turmoil, insecurity…if, IF, I listen for it. If I focus.

Is it audible? Not distinctively. But it's certainly available…in thousands upon thousands of verses in a Book that I have 4 copies of. Or even in ordinary moments, watching Smallville, as my thoughts are turned to Him and His incredible, incomprehensible intimacy.

Two (Make that 3) Funny Stories:

Nina and I were walking up to our room after breakfast in the hotel lobby, when I heard this smack/thud. I turned around to find that Nina was no longer walking behind me...she was laying on the ground. Now, this wouldn't have been overly funny in any normal case. What made it funny was Nina's scream. She didn't scream as she was going down. She didn't even scream as she hit the floor. She waited until she had been laying on the floor a second, and all eyes were on her. And then she got up and walked off like nothing had happened. It was quite strange. Funny, but strange.

Second story...I was on the phone with Kati this afternoon on my way to class. She proceeded to tell me about this crazy message left on Corey's phone by some crazy lady, who claimed to be guided by the Holy Spirit, then about how the lady may have been lead by a spirit, but it wasn't a holy one. Then she says "and get this, right after, a bird HIT our window...and died. It smacked the window, bounced off, and died." I think the combination of the randomness of the event, and the image of a bird bouncing off a window caught me off guard. I still find it hilarious.

6.4.07: I have an addition to this bird story. When I was in Lynchburg, Jordan and I were driving down the road, and I shared the bird story with him. He thought it was as funny as I did. Fast forward a couple of days: I'm in a quiet clothing store, waiting to go into a dressing room, and my phone rings. It's Jordan. The conversation went something like this:
Jordan: "Hey" (A very sad hey, might I add.)
Me: "Hey" (More like a question than a statement.)
Jordan: "I just hit a bird."
Me: giggling "What?"
Jordan: "I just got on to I-4, and you know how there are those trees in the middle?"
Me: "Yea"
Jordan: "Well, a bird just flew out and smacked into my window."
Me: "On the driver's side?"
Jordan: "Yea."
Me: "I'm sorry love." (With a hint of laughter.)
Jordan: "It's guts came out. They're yellow."
Me: "Ew! Are they still there?" (Laughing out loud at this point.)
Jordan: "Yea..."

Fortunately I'm not the only heartless one...I told both stories to Nikki. She laughed as hard as I did.

More on Mystery

God recently shed light on some dirty stuff. not so much in my life, but in my soul. i was doing things i didn't understand. He's helping me understand now by shedding that light.

abandonment and rejection are two things i fear. these fears produce a lack of trust and faith, and a surplus of skepticism and wild imaginings.

"the one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 john 4:18c

"there is no fear in love."
1 john 4:18a

"perfect love casts out fear."
1 john 4:18b

i have not been giving myself over to be made perfect in love. i've been supressing these events and feelings that result in fear. it's ok to acknowledge them. this is what the Lord desires. i don't believe that He wants me to pretend like stuff didn't happen and cover it up with a smile. He wants to shed light on it and heal me.

isn't that what He promised? an abundant life?

yes!

"I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
john 10:10

now i must have faith in Him, and trust in His promises.

"For You light my lamp; the Lord my God illumines my darkness."
psalm 18:28

may He continue to illumine my darkness, and make me wholly His.

Mystery

i've been reading "velvet elvis" (rob bell). the latest chapter was called "tassels". one of the many things he writes about are the "mysteries" of our past that make us respond to certain things the way we do.

while reading i thought to myself, 'yea, i don't really have any.'

sike!

i have some pretty serious ones. i prayed that God would reveal them. He's faithful.

He's also my strength.

V'Day

Valentine's day.

After lightly thinking about this "lovely" day, I decided to do some research. Apparently it's not a "Hallmark" holiday, but dates WAY back...before the printing press was even thought of, in around 498. It's obviously named after the St. Valentine, whose history is a mystery, wrapped in legends.

"One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure."

Anyway, there's a brief history from history.com.

I'm more concerned with the psychological effects of this bittersweet holiday. I've seen people walk around depressed all day because they don't have a 'sweetheart'. Why? February 14th is no different than February 13th or 15th.

So, I have a proposition. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

Seriously though, you have a Lover like no other! Single or not, resolve to remember these "Valentine's" on every February 14th you experience from this point on:

Let's just go with Song of Songs, the whole thing. It is the greatest love story/song of all time.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her back into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." - Hosea 3:14

"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." - Hosea 3:19-20

"For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts..." - Isaiah 54:5a

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." - Psalm 45:11

Wise words from the lovely E. Elliot

When there is deep misunderstanding which has led to the erection of barriers between two who once were close, every day brings the strengthening of those barriers if they are not, by God's grace, breached. One prays and finds no way at all to break through. Love seems to "backfire" every time. Explanations become impossible. New accusations arise, it seems, from nowhere (though it is well to recall who is named the Accuser of the brethren). The situation becomes ever more complex and insoluble, and the mind goes round and round, seeking the place where things went wrong, brooding over the words which were like daggers, regretting the failure and mistakes, wondering (most painfully) how it could have been different. Much spiritual and emotional energy is drained in this way--but the Lord wants to teach us to commit, trust, and rest.

"Leave him to me this afternoon," is what his word is. "There is nothing else that I am asking of you this afternoon but that: leave him to Me. You cannot fathom all that is taking place. You don't need to. I am at work--in you, in him. Leave him to Me. Some day it will become clear--trust Me."

"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, and he will lift you up in due time. Cast all your cares on Him, for you [and the other] are his charge." - 1 Peter 5:7

I Got Nothin

I'm a little discouraged right now. What am I good at? This is so irritating. I don't have any standout talent. I don't excel at anything. Some people are amazing musicians, writers, athletes, dancers, artists...whatever. I'm not a single one of these. I don't desire to "stand out," but I want something to offer. I have nothing to offer!

I can type pretty fast. I've mastered that. But what the heck is typing good for?

I should probably stop complaining. The Lord has given me other things. Like compassion. I'm grateful for that. I really do love people. I love being friendly...and smiling...and laughing. He's given me the gift of laughing-at-everything. I laugh at myself alot. I laugh to myself alot. Aahh, that's a good note to end on.

Passion07

The Passion Conference was nothing like what I expected. I'll have to admit, I wasn't as excited as others in my place would have been. I thought it would be just like camps. Everyone gets all sobby and repentant and "fired" up...knowing (well at least me knowing from experience) that more than half of those fires will reduce to faintly glowing embers before the year is over.

That's not what it was about at all. Louie talked about God's grace. Frances, the state of the church, and the individual's spiritual life. Beth, the Bible. The Pipe, he talked about how kids need to get over the fact they've failed sexually, wrap themselves in God's grace, and get back to what God has called you to do. Here's a quote from his message: "The tragedy is that Satan uses the guilt to strip you of your once radical dreams."

It was so...refreshing. It was a time for Christians to get together and worship. It was a bit of heaven on earth. The last night of worship, 23,000+ gathered in a field in downtown Atlanta to worship the Creator. I thought, "man, I could spend the rest of my life doing this."

Then God said, "How bout the rest of eternity?"

Journal

This is a journal entry from my hotel room in Atlanta during the Passion Conference.

Goodbye '06! Woo! '07 is starting out pretty amazing. I'm in the ATL, "hot-lanta," at Passion07. By the way, it's freezing here. The message last night was so refreshing. The speaker used an illustration that made me look at the cost of Jesus's sacrifice in a new way. He used a flower-and yea, I'll admit it, I totally got attached to that flower. At the end, he cut it in half, and I thought, "No, i can't believe you just did that. Why?"

I'm sure there were people staring in horror at Jesus on the cross, bleeding, unrecognizable, thinking the same exact thing. But we know why. I know. Because intimacy required a sacrifice. God's desire to be known by us transcends the brief but timeless moments of the cross.

The service ended with a song. These are the lyrics:

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior, has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace