Shi-Town

New Name, New Blog

2011-05-24T17:03:00.004-04:00

As is very well known if you read this blog, I stink at staying current with posts! I lost my motivation for a while, but hopefully that has changed.

I started a new blog today. Please join me over there - I really have loved hearing from you, and I keep up with all of you through your blogs. (Except you, Ashley, you're kind of a slacker like me.)

So here's the new blog URL: http://shianastallard.wordpress.com/

Also, I have a Tumble blog that I use mainly for sharing short stories and quotes that I hear or read. I'll try to keep up with that one, too. If you're interested, the link is http://shi-town.tumblr.com/.

Thanks for keeping up with me!

Post from a Slacker

2010-12-13T15:14:00.003-05:00

Oh my...an 18 month gap in posts? What a slacker am I!

In my last residential course of my undergraduate career I was required to take a personality test. I initially denied the results: melancholy. Me? Melancholy?!

Then I read things like this blog, or my journal, and have no choice but to accept the truth of that little test.

So, for the most part, I don't post when things are good. Sad, I know.

Update:

In the last 18 months, I was reunited with an old friend. We started dating in February, got engaged in August, and will be married on April 9, 2011! Yay! Between work, church, homework, spending time with Ben, and traveling all of central Virginia with Ben, I don't make much time for blogging. :)

So there you have it...my one solitary post in 2010. It's been a wonderful year!

I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!

2009-06-23T23:53:00.002-04:00

To all my faithful followers, I'm sorry for leaving you with a depressing post for the last 3 months.

For as long as I've been able to express myself through written word, my strongest urges to write surface during my lowest dispositions. So, if you see a lull in posts, just know life is good. :)

And life is definitely wonderful.

For the first time in my life, I LOVE the summer. Could be the result of a beautiful juxtaposition (last winter was brutally depressing), or it could be everything about Virginia...but I'd say it's a little bit of both. I see mountains every day. I enjoy the mountains every day. The wildflowers, sunsets, waterfalls. The fireflies, wild rabbits, deer, and groundhogs.

Everything. I absolutely love everything about it.

K, maybe not the humidity. Definitely not the humidity...but it's easy to ignore in the grand scheme of things.

Since pictures are worth a thousand words, I'll just leave you with these. You'll understand why I'm in love with this place:

This little guy was on the side of the road. I see at least one every day. In fact, I was sitting on the porch this evening, and one ran across the yard. Scared me to death.
A stream running through Cave Mountain Lake park.
Apple Orchard Falls, Bedford, VA. By far my favorite discovery.
A wider view. You can actually climb all over the place. Duane and I climbed up to that huge boulder on the right. It was stunning...and terrifying!
Nate, Grace and me...taken by our new trail friend, Dave.

Dichotomy of the Mood

2009-04-13T00:42:00.003-04:00

To be alone, or not to be alone? That is the question.

At least for me it is.

Escaping to a mountain top with nothing more than some chocolate, Coca-Cola, and a Bible is alluring.

And repulsive.

I've had an emotional weekend, 95% of it caused by loneliness. Why on earth would I desire solitude in the midst of loneliness?

Madness.

Reflecting on it now, I realize that my motives for desiring solitude are also the source of my loneliness.

So, how do I resolve this tension...this odd polarity of emotion?

Simple. Go to bed and stop thinking/whining about it!

Good night, friends! : )

2009-01-26T18:31:00.003-05:00

Seriously contemplating deleting this blog. I'm on the computer all day at work, and the last thing I want to do is sit in front of it and be "productive" when I get home. Ergo, no blog posts, thus, no need for a blog.

Plus I don't have anything interesting to write about.

I work.

I homework.

I chill.

I laugh.

The absurd amount of laughter is definitely great, but I'm afraid that, when told, it would end up creating a "you had to be there" moment. No one likes those.

So anyway. This is my post to satisfy the nagging feeling of a lack of posts.

I probably won't delete this blog...

2008-11-19T17:47:00.003-05:00

I want to be free from this urgency...

I want to be free from goals
   deadlines
schedules
   obligations
   standards
expectations
I want to be free of s t r u c t u r e
   free to follow a still small voice

into an unknown future

on an adventure so uncertain

...yet so secure

where logic cedes to confident trust,

knowing that not knowing makes the most sense.

No, I will not blog about the 44th president elect.

2008-11-05T18:53:00.007-05:00

Much has occurred since my last post about BIBL350.

Wait, who am I kidding? Life is exactly the same.

Ashley and Martha spent a weekend up here visiting. It was nice, but not long enough, especially since my job hogs so much of the wasted time I used to have.

My mom, Crys, and Amanda came up the following week, and we had a great time. We hiked Sharp Top...scratch that. Nate, Amanda, and I hiked Sharp Top. My mom and Crys lasted 10 minutes (and that's a stretch). The view from the top was stunning, but the extremely cold wind ran us off. We actually made it back down to the bottom in a little over 30 minutes (which, fyi, is quite impressive). We also captured some great pictures along the way. These are some of my faves...

I finished my BIBL350 class, and started two more; Intro to Missions, and John. I'm enjoying John about as much as I enjoyed 350...and somehow it's actually more demanding. It's also more mentally stimulating. For example: our professor believes that the water turned to wine was actually water turned to grape juice. His defining argument is that since wine can lead to drunkenness, Jesus wouldn't create it, because he wouldn't create something that is sinful...ergo, wine = grape juice.

Anyone else see the flaws there?

One last random tidbit. I learned how to play poker. Absolutely hated it the first time

but now

I'm in love.

BIBL350

2008-09-07T22:57:00.005-04:00

This semester I'm enrolled in a class called Inductive Bible Study (or BIBL350). It is by far the most challenging class any religion major has to take. It's the dreaded one. You know that "duh duh duh" sound that is usually coupled with something ominous? That very sound goes through the minds of every religion student who hears (or thinks) of BIBL350. To make things more complicated, I'm taking it in a sub-term, which means I only have 8 weeks to do all of the work, as opposed to the normal 16.

In the class, you learn the inductive method of Bible interpretation, and at the end of the semester, you have to write a 40 page paper on 12 verses (give or take a few). There is a TON of work in the class. You would not believe how great the process is for accurate Bible study. Each chapter of the textbook adds another step to the process. My assignments for this week were only chapters 8, which was on proper word studies, and 9, differences in translations. I spent almost 4 hours on them...on two chapters.

I've loved it!

I know, call me crazy, but it's true. I have absolutely dreaded this class...but I think it will end up being the class that I loved the most. I'm sure I'll use it the most throughout the rest of my life.

Anyway...that's all.

Words and Bonds

2008-09-07T12:53:00.006-04:00

Politics hold absolutely no appeal to me.

What happened to the days when a person's word was his or her bond? The phrase "actions speak louder than words" is nothing new, and it's certainly true. Maybe that phrase cheapened the worth of a persons words, because apparently they can just be thrown around now. Promises and claims can be made without one ounce of authenticity or truth behind them.

I hold Obama in no high esteem. I think his running for president is ridiculous.

I do have some respect for McCain, however. He seems to be a genuine man, but because of the way politics are, I have no idea what to believe. I just read an email that shared the story of McCain's first wife. While he was in Vietnam, she suffered terrible injuries from a car crash. When he returned to America, he left her for a more beautiful, more wealthy woman. Is this true? I have no idea. But that's exactly what I mean...I have no idea what to believe.

The way the media handles politics, and the way politicians present themselves, makes me want to run away from the voting booths. I regret this, because as an American woman, I know the great sacrifices that were made for our suffrage.

Should I have to choose between the so-called "lesser of two evils?" Because I won't. Call me un-American. My country is not as important to me as my faith, as my God. I am more than grateful that I was born in this land of freedom and opportunity, please don't doubt that. But I will trust that God's sovereignty will place the next president into that position regardless of the little bubble I darken on a ballot. My conscience isn't clear if I vote for someone I can't trust.

So to you, McCain...please, please, let your words be your bond. Don't claim something just to win my vote. You have chosen to be in the limelight, so bare the good with the bad. Don't just parade the information that makes you look courageous and honest and full of integrity. Don't put yourself on a pedestal that you know you're destined to fall from. Be real. That's what will get you my vote.

The Latest

2008-09-06T18:36:00.004-04:00

I'm not a fan of the template that I've chosen for my blog. That's one of the reasons I've been avoiding posting something new.

Really, I've been so swamped with work and school and life that I haven't had much time to post. I doubt anyone would enjoy reading about my drama filled existence anyhow, and that's the only thing I would have posted about, because for a while the drama all but consumed my every thought.

Now that I've released that whole messy burden to the Lord, I'm finally free to write about the good things! Three weeks ago I read a very simple saying in one of Elisabeth Elliot's devotionals: "Anything worth having is worth waiting for." Oh, how relevant and profound. God has certainly been using that little phrase to teach me many things. I'm a slow, stubborn learner, but it has been quite a journey.

He has also been teaching me through the lives of two incredible young women; Mary and Meggan. (How funny it would be if Meggan's name was Martha!) It's amazing to discover new things about their lives every day, and feel God using their experiences to teach me more than I could read in a book. On the outside, they're polar opposites. Strangely enough, though, I can identify with them both in such a strongly connected way.

You know what? It wasn't until this very moment that I remembered several tearful nights spent praying for God to bring me help. They are that answer.

Thank you so much, Lord.

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

2008-08-12T18:58:00.003-04:00

I started my first full-time job today. I'm an office assistant in the Registrar's Office at LU. I'm sure I'll enjoy it because I have great co-workers, but it made me realize how much I'm going to miss last year.

So what I really mean to say is I'll just miss the lack of any responsibility apart from going to class and occasionally doing homework.

Adulthood is lame-o.

I Don't Know Why You Say Goodbye...I Say Hello

2008-07-31T00:46:00.006-04:00

In June I was in Lynchburg taking two summer intensives. One of those served as my internship and required 40 hours of hands on, volunteer ministry. I had no clue how I was going to find the time or the opportunity to complete those hours, to the point of regretting the decision to take that class this summer.

About three weeks ago, I got a phone call from an old family friend named Destry. He lives in Pensacola, heard about the requirements for my class, and offered to ask around the churches in P-cola to see if they needed someone to volunteer in some ministry. A couple of days later, he called back with the name of a youth pastor who was interested in having me come over.

Sidenote: Ashley lives in Pensacola, and goes to church at Marcus Pointe Baptist.

To make a long story short, Craig, the youth pastor of Marcus Pointe, called and asked me to be the female chaperone for their World Changers trip.

I love World Changers, and I love Ashley…so it was like this amazing bonus! I was SO excited. So excited.

And I was nervous.

Girls can be scary! I had no idea what to expect from them, but they surprised me by being nothing short of wonderful. We had this almost instant connection, and it continued to grow throughout the week. I also developed great friendships with people on my crew…ones that I’m sure will last a lifetime.

The heartbreak of saying goodbye was something I had not anticipated. This may sound weird, but I long for all of them. I think I understand now what it was like for the apostle Paul, and how he longed to see the Christians of the churches he ministered at. I think about all of the girls I met often, and wish I had more time to just love and encourage them. I saw incredible potential in each of them, and desperately hope they reach that through Christ, for God’s glory.

So Emily, Hannah, Kendra, Kasey, and Charleigh, if you ever read this, just know that meeting you was an overwhelming blessing…I love you and pray for you all the time! And miss you tons!

This is Emily. If God blesses me with a daughter, and she turns out like her, I'd love it.

These are the Marcus Pointe girls...love them!

And this is my crew and our homeowner. Some of the most enjoyable people in the world.

Summer Happenings

2008-07-09T11:49:00.000-04:00

On this July 9th, summer is still in full swing. It’s hard to believe (in light of the summer I’ve been having) that I’ve only been soaking up the sun (yeah right) for two months. I really regret my lack of posts, because I’ve had some great stories. I think my favorite, and most frequently told, are the ones born during Apples to Apples. If you’ve never played, go and buy it. Seriously. Today.

Wait. I changed my mind. My favorite stories aren’t the Apples to Apples ones. My favorites are the ones of spiritual growth and activity that I hear from my friends. The first involves a friend who has befriended some of the local homeless people that hang out near his summer job. He’s on a first name basis with several of them. One of them even accepted his invitation to join him at church, where he saw her smile for the first time since he’s known her.

The story makes me smile, too.

The second story involves a friend who is vocalizing her frustration with the way believers mistreat others because of their sin, specifically homosexuality. She wrote an eloquently respectful letter to her pastor addressing the issue. I don’t think I told her, but I’m so proud. Most people (including myself) would have just complained and left it at that. She took a stand.

My spiritual activity this summer wasn’t really activity on my part, but on God’s. It was internal, and it was tough. I realized that I’m critical and judgmental. (Looking at that is still just as tough as realizing it for the first time.)

I often wonder why God leaves it up to us, to humans, to be His hands and feet and mouth when we are more likely to fail than to succeed. (See the critical shining through?) But then I remember that God sees beyond our failures, and He disregards our strengths. When I surrender to Him, He molds me. (I say “When I surrender to Him” as if I could do anything but, in light of who He is and what He’s done for me.) When I puff up, He deflates me. When I do anything without acknowledging Him, success is out of reach.

Anyway, to tie the two previous paragraphs together, I’m so thankful for the Lord’s rebuke. I’m thankful that He has called me and given me purpose, and I’m grateful that He refines me. I pray that I and my friends will forever be sensitive to the Spirit, that we will be full of love, not pride, and hold fast to the promise that the Refiner will carry on to completion the work He has begun in us.

Midnight Fright

2008-05-21T00:50:00.004-04:00

I just had an encounter with not one but three roaches.

The first was on my bedroom door. I intended on throwing a shoe at it, but didn’t out of fear that it would run and/or fly after me. Then I had a genius thought; hairspray. If I sprayed it, it would freeze, and thus cure my fear of being chased.

After maintaining composure, I managed to stretch my arm to an unnatural length, open my bedroom door, and escape. As I opened the bathroom cabinet to grab my hairspray, I discovered an equally monstrous roach right next to it. I jumped into the hall and said, “God, why? Why roaches? Why me?”

As I frantically searched the walls around me for others, I noticed a bottle of Windex above the washing machine and heard a distant voice say, “Put some Windex on it!” So I did, and it worked. The roach was paralyzed.

I walked to the kitchen to get the broom and, lo and behold, there was another little monster on the kitchen floor. I kicked the broom to make sure there wasn’t a roach on it (at that point, I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was), picked it up, and stretched it out above the roach on the floor. I slammed it down, missed. The roach went running toward the darkness of the dining room, and I in the opposite direction.

I made it back to my room where I smacked the roach down to the floor, and whopped it 5 or 6 times until it finally died. I swept it out of my room, and into the bathroom, where I whopped it once more to be sure. Then I shoved the broom into the cabinet in an attempt to scare the other roach out, but it just scurried to the back. I gave up the fight, inspected every inch of my room, and grabbed three towels.

Those towels are currently wedged between the bottom of my closet and bedroom doors. They are my only protection from those demons of the dark.

Compulsion

2008-03-30T23:15:00.003-04:00

Today I was thinking about all of the times that I have felt compelled to write everything I am (or was) thinking and feeling. For some unknown reason the thought of expressing myself through written (or typed) word appears...liberating. That's why the title of this entire blog is "The Vent".

Is this compulsion inherent, or contemporary?

If it is inherent, then why do I sometimes feel as though expression deserves a reprimand?

If it is contemporary, then why do I waste my time?

The conclusion that I've come to for the time being is that my motives are what deserve examination. Has personal ventilation replaced prayer? In my case I'm afraid so. I've discovered (with Divine guidance, I'm sure) that I want to be in control, to lean on my own understanding, to feel the satisfaction that results when someone verbally and physically sympathizes with my frustrations, heart aches, fears, and joys.

The tragedy is that I seem to have forgotten that I have surrendered control, that my duty is to trust in the Lord with all my heart, and to completely forsake my understanding. Most beautifully, I have a high priest who is able to sympathize with my weaknesses. Why would I neglect 'venting' to Him?

My prayer is that I will completely return to my first love. For whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

-Psalm 73:25

A Touch

2008-03-15T22:59:00.003-04:00

On Thursday I found out that I will most definitely be graduating next May. This news took me by complete surprise, because I was convinced that there was no way I'd graduate then. I hated the idea not because I'm just ready to be done with L.U., but because I wanted to be able to graduate with my BF, and roommate. So hearing the news put a little spring in my step, and I was bouncing through Target when my BF/roommate called me. I couldn't wait to tell her the news...but she had news of her own to share.

"Devastating news," as she put it.

"I'm not coming back to Liberty after this semester..."

What the junk!?

My whole day was completely ruined. All I kept thinking about was how nothing is going to be the same next semester. Before going to sleep that night, I grabbed my Bible to continue reading through Genesis. I started reading, but I wanted something relevant...a "touch". So I asked God to lead me to something that would bring comfort.

This is it:

"Satisfy us in the morning with Your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."
-Psalm 90:14

His love satisfies me. Oh, does it ever! His steadfast love is (and should be) the source of my rejoicing and gladness. The source.

Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. I am so thankful that the very One that created me loves me with a resolute love. I am also thankful that He has blessed me with two incredible roommates! Naomi and I will miss Ashley a ton...she'll never be replaced!

Ashley, if you ever read this, two verses just came to mind as I was thinking about you and this situation. I know they're quoted often, but that's ok, right?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." -Isaiah 26:3

The Word

2008-02-05T05:27:00.002-05:00

First, I'd like to point out that it's 5:27 a.m., and I'm awake. I have been since 4, and I have a class at 9:15. Yesssss.

In the past hour and a half, I've laid in bed thinking, painted my nails, and read Habakkuk. Next activity: blogging. I apologize in advance for the sloppy writing that you're probably about to encounter...

I'm taking a Church Ministries class this semester, and two of the required books are "Fool's Gold" by John MacArthur, and "The Purpose Driven Church" by Rick Warren. If you are even remotely familiar with these two pastors, you can probably (and rightly) assume that the two books are extremely contrasting.

MacArthur addresses the lack of Biblical discernment of many believers today, and the lack of Biblical teaching from the pulpit. I thoroughly appreciate what he has to say. Far too many believers have exchanged the all satisfying Word of God for the self gratifying prosperity gospel. (For a brief, powerful introduction to the prosperity gospel, check out John Piper's comments on youtube.)

3 years ago, as a freshman in college, I was sitting in a living room listening to a man lead a devotion. His left hand was holding the Bible, and his right hand was continually tapping it as he said, "we have got to get past the word, and get in to the voice!"

Do you hear how dangerous that statement is?

We can never get past the Word! The Word is the voice!

Somehow we have let this horrible mindset creep into the church that says that the Word isn't satisfying enough. We fill up on garbage, on false promises from ignorant pastors who say that Jesus died so that our lives would be prosperous.

No! He died so that we would have abundance! That does not mean that we will have perfect relationships and an overflowing bank account. What it does mean is that when the world and everything it has to offer fails us (which it most certainly will) we can put our trust in a sovereign, benevolent, faithful God who will provide anything and everything we need.

The next time you hear someone talking about how God wants you to have perfect relationships or wealth, think about this: Jesus' relationships with people were so perfect that the ones he came to rescue exchanged him for a thief, and murdered him. He also publicly spoke against the wealthy and the pursuit of riches (See Luke 6:20-25; Luke 1:53).

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God, and the Word was with God...And the Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." -John 1:1, 14

We must never get past the Word.

Streams in the Desert

2008-01-01T20:35:00.001-05:00

The following is an excerpt from the pages of "Streams in the Desert". I found it to be a relevant message on the first day of a new year.

We ought not to rest content in the mists of the valley when the summit of Tabor awaits us. How pure are the dews of the hills, how fresh is the mountain air, how rich the fare of the dwellers aloft, whose windows look into the New Jerusalem!

Many saints are content to live like men in coal mines, who see not the sun. Tears mar their faces when they might anoint them with celestial oil. Satisfied I am that many a believer pines in a dungeon when he might walk on the palace roof, and view the goodly land and Lebanon. Rouse thee, O believer, from thy low condition! Cast away thy sloth, thy lethargy, thy coldness, or whatever interferes with thy chaste and pure love to Christ. Make Him the source, the center, and the circumference of all thy soul's range of delight. Rest no longer satisfied with thy dwarfish attainments. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, a fuller life. Upward to heaven! Nearer to God!
--Spurgeon

"I want to scale the utmost height,
And catch a gleam of glory bright;
But still I'll pray, till heaven I've found,
Lord, lead me on to higher ground!"

Not many of us are living at our best. We linger in the lowlands because we are afraid to climb the mountains. The steepness and ruggedness dismay us, and so we stay in the misty valleys and do not learn the mystery of the hills. We do not know what we lose in our self-indulgence, what glory awaits us if only we had courage for the mountain climb, what blessing we should find if only we would move to the uplands of God. --J. R. M

2007

2007-12-26T23:38:00.000-05:00

I know. The "recaps" are getting a little redundant, but they're necessary. For some reason I feel compelled to document the highlights (or lowlights, whichever you prefer) of my year.

I can think of no better way to start off a year than by worshipping with tens of thousands, and learning from some well known, admirable Christians. Passion07 was most definitely the first of many highlights. (See Passion07 and Journal for more details.)

That same month, a chapter that I thought (and feared) was forever closed reopened. The relationship that crumbled (and my heart along with it) during the summer of 2006 was suddenly and unexpectedly being pieced back together. I was incredibly excited, yet incredibly confused, scared, hesitant, and cautious.

February flew by, and in March I decided that the spring semester would be my last. I didn't want to teach, I didn't want to be in a public college...I wanted to be married. Some arrangements were "made" so that that desire would be fulfilled the following year.

In May, I visited Liberty University. It was love at first sight. That same week, the founder of the University, Dr. Jerry Falwell, passed away. My friends Robby and Emily wed on the 19th, which was exciting and odd. That same time one year prior, Robby was single, and interning at my church, and had no clue that Emily even existed. My how things change within a year!

In June, the relationship that began in January ended exactly as it began: suddenly and unexpectedly. I was surprised at how "ok" with it I was. To this day, I haven't shed a tear over the loss. The break up quickly ushered me into the next chapter of my life; I applied to Liberty University, and started classes on August 20th.

In September I moved from the Campus East dorms to the Aarons Place townhouse with Ashley and Naomi. I've loved every minute of it. (Well, minus the 28 days of Hishge!)

I love the scenery of Lynchburg, and the spirit of Liberty, but the friendships that formed within the last few months of 2007 have made the Burg home.

As tacky as this will sound, Nate is by far my best "guy" friend. I honestly believe that my first semester at Liberty wouldn't have been the same without him. We have this great 40/60 relationship (just kiddin Nate!). He doesn't know it, but he provided great encouragement and love on the rare hard, lonely, tearful nights. God used you, Nate. Thank you.

Ashley, Naomi, and Allen are next on the BFF list. : ) I don't think I've ever laughed more than I have with the three of them.

Late in the semester, I met Jordan, Chris, Sam, Nikki, and way late...Grant. They probably don't know how much of a blessing they were and are, and how much they challenge me spiritually. (Especially Grant.)

Speaking of "spiritually," I was challenged in ways I've never been. I learned much; about God, His Word, and His relation to me/me to Him. I realized how undisciplined I am, and how I had forgotten my first love. I went through a month of complacency/bitterness, but came out reminded of God's love and faithfulness and sovereignty.

I wasn't happy with my "lot" in life at that moment (which is a mark of immaturity and doubt) and through that, I gave Satan a foothold, both in my relationship with God, and with others. It didn't take too long for God to correct that though. (He always wins.)

I came home in December for break, had a wonderful Christmas, and a not so wonderful working experience. (But it ends tomorrow!)

On to the closing remarks: Things rarely turn out the way they're "supposed" to. That's because I am not the determiner of things, of which I am so thankful. One thing I've had to constantly remind myself, and I think I've finally accepted, is that dwelling on the past is extremely counterproductive. If things that were, are no more, then so be it. It is wasted time and energy to think about how I might have done things differently, or to simply think of the "no more". It will undoubtedly hold me back. I MUST refuse to allow this to happen. There are few unseen (and un-Divine) forces as strong as the mind and its thoughts...I alone am responsible for them.

It's a battlefield.

But I am more than a conqueror...

Farewell, 07!

Why?

2007-12-17T00:10:00.002-05:00

Here's a quote and some thoughts that it stirred:

"The empty tomb was the answer to the cross."
-Gary Habermas

Jesus, in the midst of his greatest moment of suffering, asked God "why?"

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

God never gave Jesus a direct answer (we assume). But Jesus, in God's perfect orchestration, received the answer the moment he walked out of that tomb. Again and again he received answers as he saw his disciples face to face once more. So why did He do it?

Love.

The same occurs with us during our trials. We are almost always sure to ask "why" when we suffer, and God never says "because of this and this and this and this." With time answers reveal themselves. Sometimes they don't. This doesn't make God any less true or trustworthy.

Trials don't exist to prove God's faithfulness to us. They prove our faith in Him.

November

2007-12-10T14:37:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I forget I have this thing.

While I did manage to get one post up during November, it was all about October. So, here's November:

First off, it's probably the fastest month I've experienced in my life so far. I went home for the week of Thanksgiving, and I missed Liberty the whole time. I wasn't really prepared to discover that home isn't home anymore.

I decided to spend my time with people I don't normally allocate time for; Jeph, Andy, Alex, David. (Maybe that's why it didn't feel like home...) It was o.k.

I finished out the last week of November in the Burg. It was a rough week, to say the least. The details are too "detailed" for the internet, so I'm going to have to keep that on the D.L.

So there you go. November. Not much to it.

October

2007-11-01T21:35:00.000-04:00

So I managed to make it through the whole month of October without posting a blog.

I say that like it's something I actually tried to achieve. I just haven't had the time or energy to. That's changing now though. I've been investing far too much time into social activity. Worse yet, the internet. (Nerd!) But two nights ago I decided not to get online, on AIM, or on the phone past 11 pm. It's amazing how productive I've been in the last 36 hours! I typed a 7 page paper, rearranged/cleaned my room, and read for youth ministry.

Back to October.

Quite an eventful month. I went home during the first weekend. (Fall Break.) Made some new friends (Jon, Nikki, Steven, and Jordan Davis). Went to Charlottesville for a MuteMath concert. Bought a bed. Dealt with my mom's appendix exploding. (OK, so it didn't really explode...but it sounds cool.) Carved a pumpkin. Had a Halloween Party. (I was a fairy.) Umm...had some promises broken, and was lied to.

There ya go...October in a nutshell! Or should I say pumpkin seed shell?

Apart from the external events, I had a few internal realizations. I learned a few things about God, about myself, and about others.

What did I learn, you ask?

You'll find out in the next post! (If you're lucky...) ; )

Late Night Post

2007-09-13T01:56:00.000-04:00

I'm stuck awake, perfect time for another attempt at a random post!

Today was probably THE best day I've had at Liberty so far. Classes were great. Then after class I went to the post office and met a lady who told me about a church that I hope to visit. I'd only known the lady for five minutes and when we left, she gave me a super long hug. It was such a blessing...I haven't had a long hug in a while. (I miss you JuJu-Bee...can't wait til the 29th!)

My youth ministry professor suggested today that the parable of the Prodigal Son isn't about backsliders who recognize the error of their ways and eventually return to the Lord. Instead, the Prodigal was lost to begin with. The Gentiles would have identified with him. The pharisees would have identified with the older son that gets jealous, though he was always with the father. If this is true, then what of backsliders? Is there really such a thing as a backslidden believer? Maybe not...

Think of the parable of the four seeds. One seed never sprouts. Two seeds fall on separate grounds and produce temporary results. They appear to hold the promise of being fruitful and true, but both die.

Only one yields a harvest. Only one is proven true.

I don't believe that a true child of God can lose their salvation. But the more I study, the more I believe that one can have the appearance of a genuine believer, only to be proven false in the long wrong.

Think of Judas. He was one of the twelve disciples. He beheld God in the flesh. He actually kissed the face of God. Yet the kiss was one of betrayal. He had the appearance of a disciple, but was untrue.

Scary.

Like the title of this post says...it's late. I would love to expand, but my brain is shutting down. Maybe I'll pick up where I've left off some other day.

Can't Relate

2007-09-12T01:54:00.000-04:00

Relationships are so complicated...at least for me they are. I have so many reservations, fears, and insecurities. I always have my defenses up, and I question EVERYTHING. Lord, help my future husband. He's gonna have his hands full in the beginning of our relationship!

I get to see Ella and Luke in 3 days! I can't wait. Luke's gonna be my cuddle buddy.

I need a dog. Or a really good teddy bear. Or I could just kidnap Luke.

I saw Evan Almighty tonight. Just to clarify, the flood was indeed about God's wrath...not about people 'working together in pairs'. That's just silly. One thing I did like: "God" says, "If you ask God for patience, He won't give you patience, He'll give you the opportunity to be patient."

Well...good night.

None

2007-09-09T00:40:00.001-04:00

So I painted on a canvas for the first time last night. It was really relaxing and mind-emptying. (Because I would try really hard to think of something to paint, but nothing would come!) I'll have to start doing it when I have alot on my mind and want a break.

I'm beginning to feel complacement. I would contribute it to not having enough time to get plugged in to anything, but that's not it. My personal, individual alone time with the Lord is just slackin. I love Liberty, and learning about the Lord in class, but I sometimes fear that it will become routine. That my relationship with God will become less intimate and more "knowledge driven". I really don't want to be one of those people.

Today I was thinking about how easy it is for a person to appear one way, and be COMPLETELY different when you get to know them. For example, someone can have the appearance of being full of integrity, honesty, faithfulness, compassion, and passionate about the will of God. But then you get to know them, and you find that NONE of these things (or any other qualities that you may like to add) are accurate descriptions of the person.

This was really discouraging to me...because it's usually not until after you've developed a certain level of respect, admiration and even love for this person that the facade begins to fade. So then I'm faced with this dilemma: how do you trust that the person you're talking to is really who they appear to be? Is it possible to find someone who really is what you see?

Then I thought about this: I can't see the Lord, but I never question His character. He doesn't change. He is always who He says He is. Sometimes I long to see Him, to literally feel Him, to be held and comforted by Him, but I find greater comfort in knowing that He is Truth. He will not disappoint. He will not fail. My eyes may not catch glimpse of Him, but my heart sees Him.

And He is absolutely breathtaking.

Homesick

2007-08-26T00:27:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my first case of homesickness.

I've always been pretty independent, so missing home this much is quite a surprise to me.

I enjoy Liberty. I really do. I love the mountains, and having to use my Bible for homework, and praying before starting every class, and meeting friendly people, and Campus church, etc. But for some reason I find myself being reminded of high school.

Yay for high school!

Sike.

That's what makes me miss home: the lack of anything even similar to high school. No drama. No girls that are consumed with guys and checking them out and finding "the one." Another thing that's weird...having everything you say repeated to someone else. I hate that. Actually, maybe I don't. It holds me accountable.

The bigger issue, the one that really made me long for a familiar face and voice, especially a long hug and encouraging words, is pretty complicated and can't be openly discussed on this "public blog". So, I'll try to explain it as best I can. I was spending alot of very enjoyable time with a friend, but the decision was made tonight that the friendship should probably come to an end, because it's effecting another friendship in a negative way. Blah. So now I'm afraid I won't enjoy it here as much as I have been. Lame-o. This silly drama is just lame. o.

Well anyway, I was going to complain some more, but I don't want to.

Oh...I do have some happy stuff to share. Tonight I had a little date with God. What started out as a very lonely event lead me to a quiet spot where I could watch fireworks and just meditate on the Lord and His Word. It was so warm and comforting and peaceful.

I love Him so much.

Something I wrote a while ago...

2007-08-13T12:05:00.000-04:00

Oh God, be near to this broken heart
Though it seems there's not much,
I pour it out to You
For You are my refuge

I can't take back what I handed over
to wreckless hands
and an unsovereign heart

But your gentle whisper steals me away:
"No one will take her from My hands."

So be at rest once more, O my soul
For the Lord has been good to you.

Approach the throne of grace
With confident faith
The grace that makes all things new.

I will be strong, I will take heart
Lord I will wait for You.

Psalm 19:14

2007-07-30T13:36:00.000-04:00

It's really hard to come back to a quiet office after working on houses with a bunch of crazy middle schoolers for a week. It makes me miss it, and them, even more.

Psalm 19:14 says this: "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." The Spirit recalled this verse to my memory countless times while working on the houses, especially when my mind started to wander. (Which is almost always!) I realized how often the meditations of my heart are not pleasing in His sight. They're so counterproductive. They're so pointless and silly and just a waste of time. They distract me from the Lord's voice and from His leading, and they kept me from seeing clearly for two years. Two. Years. That is ridiculous.

But finally, during a week when I thought God would be using me to change someone else's world, He used eight 14, 15, and 16 year olds, and one 21 year old to change mine. He moved in my heart and I feel so…weightless. My heart is no longer bound to lies and selfish, ignorant longing. Things are clear yet unclear, but in an amazing way. The clarity is liberating, and the lack thereof is exhilarating.

The course of my life has taken an extremely unexpected turn in the past month, and for the first time in a long time, I'm smiling at the future. I'm so excited about watching things unfold, and watching God do with me whatever He wants.

2007-07-10T15:31:00.001-04:00

I have a really hard time finding random things to discuss on my blog. Crazy, I know. (Especially if you know me.) I'm attempting to do just that with this post.

First…I'm moving to Virginia. I'm crazy excited. Yesterday while talking to Emily, I compared it to having a new "love"…I get giddy. Is that weird? Anyway, I'm moving up to Lynchburg and going to Liberty University. (I still can't believe it…if you only knew how anti-Liberty I was two months ago.) I'll be majoring in Women's Ministry, which is the source of most of my gid. Don't ask me what I'm going to do with that major, cause I don't have an answer. Hey, I just realized that today is exactly one month before I leave.

Moving on. Last night I was laying (lying?) awake in my bed thinking. I was thinking about hearts and love, and Song of Solomon, and relationships, and the Nooma "Flame". The bride in 'Song' urges women not to awaken love until it so desires. But how do you do that!? This frustrates me. How do you know when love desires to be aroused? Must it be very slow and gentle, starting with consciousness, then a gradual opening of the eyes as things slowly come into focus? Or is it startling, tense, heart-racing? Maybe it's both. I don't know…and I don't like that.

I was also thinking about a woman's love. When a woman gives her heart away, really gives her heart, it's almost impossible for her to take it back. That's probably why the Bride urged us to be cautious. But again, how do we know when it's ok to let our guard down?

Lord, help me.

Then I thought about the three different Hebrew words for love, especially ahava; love of the will (I think it's ahava, either that or raya).

And right before I finally gave up my seemingly futile thought process, I thought about how so many men abuse the heart of a woman. They have no idea what they're doing. (Women are selfish too, but I think the difference is that they DO know what they're doing! They know they're manipulating.) I know I'm not the origin of this phrase, but I love it, and I'm saying it now to all the men who ever take the time to read this thing: Don't ask for a woman's heart until you're willing to ask for her hand in marriage.

Conqueror?

2007-06-13T11:41:00.000-04:00

I'm in the midst of the biggest battle yet.

And I feel so defeated.

So…out of control.

I'm more than a conqueror, right?

It says so in Romans 8:37 – "No, in all things we are more than conquerors…"

Here's the key, the rest, the part I must be forgetting – "…through Him who loved us."

For some reason I can't fully process that though. What is my problem? I realized today that the heartbreak I experienced, and the fear, doubt, lack of trust that resulted, are nothing compared to the heartbreak that Jesus felt on the cross. What would we do if he held that over us? What would we do if he responded to his heartbreak the way I've responded to mine?

Here's where the battle comes in…

What if my lack of trust is legitimate? Can I really trust my heart with him? (Not talking about the Lord here…)

Sometimes when I remove myself from this situation it seems so trivial, so ridiculous. Is this something that should be weighing me down as much as it is?

Ugh…I'm so sick of thinking!

Father, teach me to trust in YOU with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. Make my paths straight. Forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for not loving or forgiving like I should. Renew a steadfast spirit within me. Show me that I am more than I conqueror, not by my own strength, but solely through the perfect love of your perfect son, Jesus Christ.

Just Don't Seem to Mend

2007-06-04T16:17:00.000-04:00

Today is a significant day. Every time I write '6/4/07' on the little pink message pads at work, bittersweet memories resurface...especially the hard-to-supress bitter ones. I hate it. Not necessarily the event, but the fact that I can't forget it.
I actually tried to tell myself yesterday that my heart wasn't really broken. That made me laugh.

Why is it taking me so long to get completely over this? Maybe it stems from the "lessons" taught in my history classes. "Those who fail to remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Maybe, in some twisted way, I believe that if I hold on to it it won't hurt as much if it happens again. (Key word: if.) But what really happens is that I become paranoid and untrusting. Here's my version: "Those who fail to let go of the past are condemned to become psycho".

This fear is like a plague. It keeps resurfacing. That's when I take different approaches, like the other day, trying to convince myself that my heart wasn't really broken. The problem is that the problem isn't mine to fix, and I forget that all too often.

How does true restoration take place? I know the ultimate answer...the 'end'...but what are the 'means'?

Still Small Voice

2007-05-02T12:44:00.000-04:00

I'm a huge Smallville fan. Huge. My cousin Jon, my aunt Susy and I are currently on a "Smallville Marathon," (and have been for two months) watching every episode from every season. We've made it to Season 3, with only two more episodes to go!

For those who don't know, Smallville is the story of Superman before he was Superman. Throughout the show, he develops new powers and such. A couple of nights ago, we were watching an episode where Clark becomes blind, but while he's blind his hearing becomes incredibly sensitive. In an attempt to help Clark hone in on his hearing abilities, Jonathan Kent turns on all the machines in the barn, walks to the other side of the barn, and whispers, "Clark, listen for my voice. Focus. Clark, focus." A smile breaks across Clark's face as he hears his dad's faint voice among the racket going on around him.

I smiled too, at the symbolism of this scene in correlation to my Father.

My mind is constantly racing. It honestly never stops…especially when it comes to thoughts of the future, the things I can't see. But all the while, God, in his still, small voice, is reminding me to focus on Him. His voice really can and does rise above doubts, fears, turmoil, insecurity…if, IF, I listen for it. If I focus.

Is it audible? Not distinctively. But it's certainly available…in thousands upon thousands of verses in a Book that I have 4 copies of. Or even in ordinary moments, watching Smallville, as my thoughts are turned to Him and His incredible, incomprehensible intimacy.

Two (Make that 3) Funny Stories:

2007-04-23T22:48:00.000-04:00

Nina and I were walking up to our room after breakfast in the hotel lobby, when I heard this smack/thud. I turned around to find that Nina was no longer walking behind me...she was laying on the ground. Now, this wouldn't have been overly funny in any normal case. What made it funny was Nina's scream. She didn't scream as she was going down. She didn't even scream as she hit the floor. She waited until she had been laying on the floor a second, and all eyes were on her. And then she got up and walked off like nothing had happened. It was quite strange. Funny, but strange.

Second story...I was on the phone with Kati this afternoon on my way to class. She proceeded to tell me about this crazy message left on Corey's phone by some crazy lady, who claimed to be guided by the Holy Spirit, then about how the lady may have been lead by a spirit, but it wasn't a holy one. Then she says "and get this, right after, a bird HIT our window...and died. It smacked the window, bounced off, and died." I think the combination of the randomness of the event, and the image of a bird bouncing off a window caught me off guard. I still find it hilarious.

6.4.07: I have an addition to this bird story. When I was in Lynchburg, Jordan and I were driving down the road, and I shared the bird story with him. He thought it was as funny as I did. Fast forward a couple of days: I'm in a quiet clothing store, waiting to go into a dressing room, and my phone rings. It's Jordan. The conversation went something like this:
Jordan: "Hey" (A very sad hey, might I add.)
Me: "Hey" (More like a question than a statement.)
Jordan: "I just hit a bird."
Me: giggling "What?"
Jordan: "I just got on to I-4, and you know how there are those trees in the middle?"
Me: "Yea"
Jordan: "Well, a bird just flew out and smacked into my window."
Me: "On the driver's side?"
Jordan: "Yea."
Me: "I'm sorry love." (With a hint of laughter.)
Jordan: "It's guts came out. They're yellow."
Me: "Ew! Are they still there?" (Laughing out loud at this point.)
Jordan: "Yea..."

Fortunately I'm not the only heartless one...I told both stories to Nikki. She laughed as hard as I did.

More on Mystery

2007-03-29T22:24:00.000-04:00

God recently shed light on some dirty stuff. not so much in my life, but in my soul. i was doing things i didn't understand. He's helping me understand now by shedding that light.

abandonment and rejection are two things i fear. these fears produce a lack of trust and faith, and a surplus of skepticism and wild imaginings.

"the one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 john 4:18c

"there is no fear in love."
1 john 4:18a

"perfect love casts out fear."
1 john 4:18b

i have not been giving myself over to be made perfect in love. i've been supressing these events and feelings that result in fear. it's ok to acknowledge them. this is what the Lord desires. i don't believe that He wants me to pretend like stuff didn't happen and cover it up with a smile. He wants to shed light on it and heal me.

isn't that what He promised? an abundant life?

yes!

"I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
john 10:10

now i must have faith in Him, and trust in His promises.

"For You light my lamp; the Lord my God illumines my darkness."
psalm 18:28

may He continue to illumine my darkness, and make me wholly His.

Mystery

2007-03-28T23:00:00.000-04:00

i've been reading "velvet elvis" (rob bell). the latest chapter was called "tassels". one of the many things he writes about are the "mysteries" of our past that make us respond to certain things the way we do.

while reading i thought to myself, 'yea, i don't really have any.'

sike!

i have some pretty serious ones. i prayed that God would reveal them. He's faithful.

He's also my strength.

V'Day

2007-02-16T10:09:00.000-05:00

Valentine's day.

After lightly thinking about this "lovely" day, I decided to do some research. Apparently it's not a "Hallmark" holiday, but dates WAY back...before the printing press was even thought of, in around 498. It's obviously named after the St. Valentine, whose history is a mystery, wrapped in legends.

"One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure."

Anyway, there's a brief history from history.com.

I'm more concerned with the psychological effects of this bittersweet holiday. I've seen people walk around depressed all day because they don't have a 'sweetheart'. Why? February 14th is no different than February 13th or 15th.

So, I have a proposition. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

Seriously though, you have a Lover like no other! Single or not, resolve to remember these "Valentine's" on every February 14th you experience from this point on:

Let's just go with Song of Songs, the whole thing. It is the greatest love story/song of all time.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her back into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." - Hosea 3:14

"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." - Hosea 3:19-20

"For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts..." - Isaiah 54:5a

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." - Psalm 45:11

Wise words from the lovely E. Elliot

2007-02-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

When there is deep misunderstanding which has led to the erection of barriers between two who once were close, every day brings the strengthening of those barriers if they are not, by God's grace, breached. One prays and finds no way at all to break through. Love seems to "backfire" every time. Explanations become impossible. New accusations arise, it seems, from nowhere (though it is well to recall who is named the Accuser of the brethren). The situation becomes ever more complex and insoluble, and the mind goes round and round, seeking the place where things went wrong, brooding over the words which were like daggers, regretting the failure and mistakes, wondering (most painfully) how it could have been different. Much spiritual and emotional energy is drained in this way--but the Lord wants to teach us to commit, trust, and rest.

"Leave him to me this afternoon," is what his word is. "There is nothing else that I am asking of you this afternoon but that: leave him to Me. You cannot fathom all that is taking place. You don't need to. I am at work--in you, in him. Leave him to Me. Some day it will become clear--trust Me."

"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, and he will lift you up in due time. Cast all your cares on Him, for you [and the other] are his charge." - 1 Peter 5:7

I Got Nothin

2007-01-24T22:43:00.000-05:00

I'm a little discouraged right now. What am I good at? This is so irritating. I don't have any standout talent. I don't excel at anything. Some people are amazing musicians, writers, athletes, dancers, artists...whatever. I'm not a single one of these. I don't desire to "stand out," but I want something to offer. I have nothing to offer!

I can type pretty fast. I've mastered that. But what the heck is typing good for?

I should probably stop complaining. The Lord has given me other things. Like compassion. I'm grateful for that. I really do love people. I love being friendly...and smiling...and laughing. He's given me the gift of laughing-at-everything. I laugh at myself alot. I laugh to myself alot. Aahh, that's a good note to end on.

Passion07

2007-01-16T21:16:00.000-05:00

The Passion Conference was nothing like what I expected. I'll have to admit, I wasn't as excited as others in my place would have been. I thought it would be just like camps. Everyone gets all sobby and repentant and "fired" up...knowing (well at least me knowing from experience) that more than half of those fires will reduce to faintly glowing embers before the year is over.

That's not what it was about at all. Louie talked about God's grace. Frances, the state of the church, and the individual's spiritual life. Beth, the Bible. The Pipe, he talked about how kids need to get over the fact they've failed sexually, wrap themselves in God's grace, and get back to what God has called you to do. Here's a quote from his message: "The tragedy is that Satan uses the guilt to strip you of your once radical dreams."

It was so...refreshing. It was a time for Christians to get together and worship. It was a bit of heaven on earth. The last night of worship, 23,000+ gathered in a field in downtown Atlanta to worship the Creator. I thought, "man, I could spend the rest of my life doing this."

Then God said, "How bout the rest of eternity?"

Journal

2007-01-16T21:04:00.000-05:00

This is a journal entry from my hotel room in Atlanta during the Passion Conference.

Goodbye '06! Woo! '07 is starting out pretty amazing. I'm in the ATL, "hot-lanta," at Passion07. By the way, it's freezing here. The message last night was so refreshing. The speaker used an illustration that made me look at the cost of Jesus's sacrifice in a new way. He used a flower-and yea, I'll admit it, I totally got attached to that flower. At the end, he cut it in half, and I thought, "No, i can't believe you just did that. Why?"

I'm sure there were people staring in horror at Jesus on the cross, bleeding, unrecognizable, thinking the same exact thing. But we know why. I know. Because intimacy required a sacrifice. God's desire to be known by us transcends the brief but timeless moments of the cross.

The service ended with a song. These are the lyrics:

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior, has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

Madea-isms

2006-12-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

*(Note: Madea is ghetto. Read it that way.)

~You can't change people son. I don't know what makes folks think they can change somebody. You can't change nobody, that is a waste of time…sittin around tryin to change somebody. Maya Angelou said it best. She said, "If someone shows you who they are, believe them."

~When you lie to people it makes people doubt everything you ever say from that point on or everything you ever said. All you gotta do is tell the truth.

~Get up and go on with your life. It's alright to sit around and be depressed for a minute. Cry about it, do whatever you have to, but don't stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life. This is what I learned in all my years on this earth: If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go. Especially if you know you done done everything you can do, you done sat around and been the best man or best woman you can be and they still wanna go, let em go. Whatever they runnin after they'll see what they had in a minute but then it's gonna be too late. Cause half these people you sittin around cryin about, in two or three years, you ain't even gonna remember they're last name. Let folks go.

~Some people come into your life for a lifetime, some come for a season. You got to know which is which. You're gonna always mess up when you mix them seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. We got people that got married with people they only supposed to be with for a season, and they wonder why they have so much hell in their life. That was a person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love, and now you wonder why don't got no peace anywhere you go.

~No, no…listen. I put everybody that come in my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they over there. They unstable. Blows the other way, they over here. Seasons change, they wither and die, they gone. That's alright. Most people in the world are like that. They just there to take from the tree. They there to take and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at em, that's who they are. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with them branches too cause they'll fool you. They'll get there and make you think they a good friend and real strong, but the minute you step out there on em, they'll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find you two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. They're the kind of people that ain't goin nowhere. They ain't worried about bein seen, don't nobody have to know that they know you, they ain't got to know what they doin for you. But if them roots wasn't there that tree couldn't live. You understand? When you get you some roots hold on to em. But the rest of it you let it go. Just let folks go.

~Ain't nobody said it was gonna be easy but it'll get easy when you learn how to love yourself. If you tell somebody that "what you doin is hurtin me and I need you to stop" and then they keep doin it, they don't care, move on, let em go. No matter how much it hurts, let em go. And it'll get easier I promise you. Every day it'll get easier and easier and easier. You just gotta make it through.

~You gotta learn how to be by yourself. People have to learn how to be alone. I don't understand people who go "I need somebody. Lord, where is my man, Lord where is my woman?" That is crazy... If you don't know how to be by yourself, what you gonna do with somebody else? Stop prayin about it. Shut up and wait. Go work on you. That's what that time is for, for you to go get yo'self together. You would be surprised at the things people put up with just to hear somebody say they love em. That's crazy. I don't understand it. I can't live in dysfunction, I'm sorry.

-Madea
"Madea Goes to Jail"

Brief Summary of '06

2006-12-17T22:52:00.000-05:00

I want to try and sum up some key lessons of this year before it ends...

This year has been so unforgettable. What God has revealed to me in these very short 12 months will follow me for the rest of my life. More than anything He taught me how faithful He is. He showed me that I had put hope in someone other than Him...and that the person I placed so much trust in wasn't as faithful as I'd hoped he'd be. But God said, "I AM."

He showed me that His will will be done. Period. I can obey the first time...or I can learn the hard, painful way.

He pointed out to me that I put Him in a box, limited His power (in my mind), and put Him on a schedule.

He rebuked that.

He reminded me that He sent His son so that we don't have to live broken lives...He came to heal and restore.

He recalled the accounts of healing that are recorded in His word, and reminded me that without FAITH I won't be healed.

He blessed me with incredible friends...a "sisterhood".

He poured His love on me, and promised me that He will eternally do so.

21

2006-12-13T22:26:00.000-05:00

I just spent 3 hours studying for my Macro final...well, technically, if you calculate all the ADD moments, i probably spent no more than 2 and a half hours. but, i'm just really over macro.

so, tomorrow's my birthday. andrew dubbed today my "birthday eve". cute. wait...let me start with Monday. i had a surprise party! yaaaaay! and i was really surprised...shockingly so...especially since Kati kinda told me that it was going to happen.

anyway...i am so excited about not being 20 anymore. 20 is definitely not for me. this was an extremely challenging year. i know it's almost over, but i think God will constantly use the events of this year to teach me, and to remind me of how faithful and personal He is. oh, and how no matter what, His will is going to be done...and if I don't obey the first, second, third...maybe even fifth time...it's gonna happen...and it's gonna be a whole lot harder and hurt a whole lot worse. i'm so glad He loves me enough, and has the patience to show me that.

let's see...what else shall i say...

Praise the Lord for the end of one more semester! 5 down, 5 to go...

"I am a Christian"

2006-11-15T23:35:00.000-05:00

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.

-Maya Angelou

The "not-so-lovely" UNF

2006-11-13T23:45:00.000-05:00

I was just reading over my past posts and got to the one about me realizing I needed to stay in Jacksonville. I'm so glad I wrote that...so that tonight, when I looked back at it, (like God knew was going to happen) I would realize, once again, how faithful and sovereign and amazing He is. I am having the time of my life. At UNF. I know, I know, it just doesn't make sense...but it's true. I've got the wonderful single Christian women-friends that I've been praying for for over a year, and the awesome fellowship with people who are in love with Jesus. So, this will be my post of praise to God for blessing me so unexpectedly with this place, and for loving me enough to tell me that He had something better in store, for reminding me that I, like always, don't know what I want/need...but He does.

Embracing Accusation

2006-11-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

father of lies
coming to steal kill and destroy
all my hopes of being good enough

i hear him saying
"cursed are the ones who can't abide"
he's right
hallelujah, he's right

the devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
that i am cursed and gone astray
i cannot gain salvation

embracing accusation

could the father of lies
be telling the truth of God to me tonight
that if the penalty of death is sin
then death is mine

the devil's singing over me
an age old song
that i am cursed and gone astray
singing the first verse so conveniently over me
he's forgotten the refrain

JESUS SAVES

-Shane and Shane

"For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, 'Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them'."
-Galatians 3: 10

"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: 'Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree'."
-Galatians 3:13

Ransomed Heart

2006-11-11T14:43:00.000-05:00

Life is a Story. This is true for every soul.

It is a love story, we assure you. But it is set in the midst of a life and death battle. That is why it seems so hard.

The story of your life is the story of the journey of your heart through a dangerous and beautiful world. It is the story of the long and sustained assault on your heart by the Enemy who knows who you could be and fears you. But it is also the story of the long and mysterious pursuit of your heart by the God who knows you truly and loves you deeply.

-www.ransomedheart.com

Wonderful News!

2006-10-24T23:57:00.000-04:00

For the past month my family and I have awaited the results of a test, a test that contained information that could have changed our lives. A mass was found in my mom, and the doctor believed it may be cancer. But today we found out that it's nothing. I can't begin to express how that news felt to me. I can't begin to help someone understand (that hasn't experienced it) how something like that can plague you. It was more than just the knowledge that I may potentially lose my mom. It was knowing that she had to deal with that information too. There was nothing I could do to help. There's nothing any person can do to calm the thoughts and fears that rage within someone as they await the outcome of test after test. It broke my heart to be completely helpless in that situation.

There is One who does help though, a Comforter like no other. Phillippians 4:6-7 came to life for us: "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I can assure you that I've tasted of this peace, that my mom tasted of this peace. If the outcome would have been different, it wouldn't have changed the fact that God assured me of His sovereignty. I can not hold all things together, but the One who does has my life, and my mom's life, in His hands. There is no doubt in my mind that he holds everything perfectly there, no matter how imperfect it may be to my eyes.

Passion and Purity

2006-10-23T22:52:00.000-04:00

I went to the hospital today to figure out what's going on...and I still don't know. I'm on this medicine that's supposed to make me feel better, but the side effects are worse than what the medicine is supposed to be curing me of.

I took the book "Passion and Purity" with me to read while waiting, and when I got to the 'window' to get my prescription, the Pharmacy Tech (or whatever he was) proceeded to irritate me with his lame attempts at flirting. But that's beyond the point. He asked me what I was reading, I told him, and then he replied, "Doesn't sound like a book I'd be interested in," or something along those lines. I wanted to ask, "Which part, the passion or the purity?" but I'm pretty sure I know what the answer would've been.

Anyway, the whole thing lead to this thought: It's impossible to fully experience passion apart from purity. Purity is the essence of the One who created passion, therefore, passion without purity can never be what God intended it to be.

Always

2006-10-23T22:36:00.000-04:00

Did You rise the sun for me?
Paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind
Is everything I know marked with my Maker's fingerprints?
Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You
Cause all You are is all I want, Always
Draw me close in Your arms,
oh God, I wanna be with You
Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You capture me again.
Let the earth resound with praise
Can you hear as all creation lives to glorify one name?
Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You.
Cause all You are is all i want, always
Draw me close in Your arms, oh God
I wanna be with You

-Hillsong United

Still at Shore

2006-10-15T22:43:00.000-04:00

This song is so haunting...and so perfectly written. I wish I could take credit for it.

when pain turns to years
it goes away
a memory far gone
so bittersweet
and sweet it is to taste recovering
the loss of my friend

but why haunts this hunger
to love her
my ship set its sail
a long time ago
my mind has said its farewell
and my lips have declared "it's time"
but my heart cannot say its goodbye

now it's only in my dreams
have i been there
her eyes so in love
her kiss so real
now if only i could stay
and dream a while
if a dream lasts a lifetime

but why haunts this hunger to love her
my ship set its sail
a long time ago
my mind has said its farewell
my lips have declared "it's time"
but my heart cannot say it's goodbye

my ship has set its sail
but still at shore
my heart cannot say its goodbye

-Shane and Shane

Reflection

2006-10-02T23:29:00.000-04:00

My outlook on relationships has been rather negative for a while. Specifically, that they're overrated. To an extent, I believed the same to be true about marriage. I had always hoped for my 'relationship' to be a reflection of Christ's love for the church.
This was my idea of what the reflection should look like: perfection. I'd never get my feelings hurt, or be disappointed, disrespected, underappreciated...Jesus's love doesn't produce those feelings.

So, when that 'relationship' failed miserably, and produced every one of the afforementioned feelings/emotions, I lost much of that hope. A recent conversation with a great friend (married friend) gave me the slap I deserved for being so selfish and closed-minded...so dumb! I'll paraphrase:

Marriage is so hard. It's unbelievably hard. But the blessings of marriage, the blessing OF marriage, is unbelievably amazing. You share a life with this human being that you love more than you yourself can even understand. They know everything about you; the deep, dark, hidden things, the nasty attitudes, the selfish desires, the gross habits...they see you at your absolute worst. They see you in a way no one else does, yet they love you more than they themselves can even understand, in spite of who you are.

Hmm...I do believe that this is the most accurate reflection of Christ's love for the church that could possibly exist. He loved us in spite of who we are, and gave everything to call us His own.

Free

2006-09-29T22:45:00.000-04:00

I knew that once classes started I'd never have time to post things.

God has been showing me some awesome things lately. (Some heartbreaking, but the fact that God shows me things is just awesome in itself.) I've been reading Hebrews. I'm going to write down some things from my QT journal...so, the thought process throughout all of it may be quite random.

We have a High Priest, and not just a man who's a sinner just like the rest of us. Our High Priest sits right next to the Majety of heaven, He serves in the true tabernacle, not the one that's just a shadow of it here on earth. Like earthly priests, it's necessary for Him to bring an offering-so He brought Himself...for us. The sacrifices offered by the high priest were just external regulations, and only cleansed externally, only made one outwardly clean. Jesus-beautiful, sweet Jesus-brought His blood in the Most Holy Place-a once and for all offering-perfect, righteous, sufficient, redemptive. He brought the Blood that goes so far beyond the "external" filth than we can see-His blood cleanses our consciences, cleanses my conscience, from all of the stupid mistakes I've made-the deliberate sin and filthiness of my life. His blood sets me free-free to serve and worship the One who created all things.

Moved In

2006-08-29T19:07:00.001-04:00

I'm finally back "home," so I'll be able to update more frequently, since I have a computer all to myself! Woo!

I don't have much time at the moment, but I do want to "jot down" a thought I had the other day:

God never tells me He loves me. He never once says, "I love you". But never once do I doubt that it's true...because God's way of expressing love proves it. We all know some people say those famous three words, but they're easy to say. It's much more of a challenge to show it. And that's exactly what God does. He clothed His son in flesh, and nailed Him to a cross. That SCREAMS "I love you" leaving no room for doubt.

So here's a challenge I'm posing to myself: leave no room for others to doubt my love for them. I'll admit, it seems pretty impossible, but with Christ, I can do all things.

Virtuous Woman

2006-08-10T12:01:00.000-04:00

What makes you think that just because I am an attractive woman of Godly intelligence that I’m incomplete without a mate? Who told you that without a man something is missing from my life? And if so, what would that be? Love? I love myself, and more importantly, I love the Lord. He told me that when I delight in Him, He would give me the desires of my heart. Security? I have everything I need according to His riches and glory. Intimacy? How is a man going to get to know me if he doesn’t know who he is in the Lord? See, my Father told me that I’m above a ruby’s worth, and a gem does not seek, it is sought. I’m single and that’s all right with me. It’s not that I oppose relationships, it’s that I detest co-dependency. As a woman I know it is not my role to chase after any man. Esther 2:14 reads that I am to wait on my king, and when he is delighted in me, he will call me by my name. My Lord does not intend for me to be needy or desperate. I am to be cherished, relished, valued, and honored. It’s not my job to convince or convict a man of that. My mate will already know it and consistently show it. So, when you see me by myself, I’m not alone. I’m being romanced by the One who created it. I’m single and saved, and right now, that’s all I need to be.

Strong Enough

2006-08-09T11:58:00.000-04:00

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
oh Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour
Make me suffer for a life time
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness
Find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again

-Stacie Orrico

Show me

2006-08-06T14:56:00.000-04:00

You know what bugs me? Adults...the ones in church who refuse to leave "high school".

As a Christian, regardless of your age, you're a role model. These kids, these youth, they don't wanna hear you preach at them, they don't wanna be told how to have faith, how to "live like a good little Christian." They wanna see it. I wanna see it. Show us your faith...show us how to walk like Jesus, show me what this "call to die" is all about.

I'm convinced that the mediocrity that plagues young Christian's today is a disease inherited by the 'leadership' we're supposed to be following.

Mercy and Grace

2006-08-01T12:18:00.000-04:00

A few scholars have put forward the neat and simple proposition that the Old Testament uses mercy while the New Testament speaks of grace.

The truth is more elusive, like the words themselves. Think of it this way: Mercy is God witholding the punishment we rightfully deserve. Grace is God not only withholding that punishment but offering the most precious gifts instead.

Mercy witholds the knife from the heart of Isaac.
Grace provides a ram in the thicket.

Mercy runs to forgive the Prodigal Son.
Grace throws a party with every extravagance.

Mercy bandages the wounds of the man beaten by the robbers.
Grace covers the cost of his full recovery.

Mercy hears the cry of the thief on the cross.
Grace promises paradise that very day.

Mercy pays the penalty for our sin at the cross.
Grace substitutes the righteousness of Christ for our wickedness.

Mercy converts Paul on the road to Damascus.
Grace calls him to be an apostle.

Mercy saves John Newton from a life of rebellion and sin.
Grace makes him a pastor and author of a timeless hymn ("Amazing Grace").

Mercy closes the door to hell.
Grace opens the door to heaven.

Mercy withholds what we have earned.
Grace provides blessings we have not earned.

-David Jeremiah
"Captured by Grace"

7/01/06

2006-07-24T23:04:00.000-04:00

What a...week. I'm not sure if I could find one word to sum it all up with. Wait. Roller coaster. How appropriate, the theme was "thrill ride." The place was so beautiful. There was a brooke that flowed down the mountain, and through a prayer garden. A treasured memory was made there, actually, there were two. One was a quiet time on Psalm 1, under trees that lined the brooke bank. As I walked away, God surprised me with a firefly - and then more. I so love fireflies. The second was Thursday night. It was the night of the break-down. I just sat on the most hidden, tree surrounded bench and cried out. I sang to Him. He gave me a light show. We held hands that night in worship. It was our date. The best date I've ever been on...but could I have honestly expected any less? I desire intimacy like that with Him every day-the kind that's stronger and newer each time.

Update

2006-07-20T16:00:00.000-04:00

As of Monday, I’m staying in Jacksonville. No UM for me. The day I finally got a peace about staying at lame UNF, I got the acceptance letter. I had previously said that if I got accepted I was going. God doesn’t make things that easy.

I was trying to run away. I thought if I could get away from all the places and the questions and the disappointed faces, it’d be easier to deal with. Running to Mobile wasn’t the answer. Running to God was.

I can’t leave this church, or these girls. Especially these girls. I know in a sense I already did…but I’m gonna grab on to this single season and take advantage of every opportunity to grow spiritually and serve gladly.

God whispered something to me in a Bible study back in March: The Christian life is not a call to convenience. You’ll rarely ever see the words “Christian” and “convenient” in the same sentence. So, here I stay in J–ville, at the not-so-lovely University of North Florida, despite how utterly inconvenient it’s destined to be at times.

LOVELY Day!

2006-07-18T23:47:00.000-04:00

God took my breath away and swept me off my feet today...the thought of it still steals my breath.

About 3 months ago I heard this song on the radio that blessed me SO much. I was praisin Jesus like crazy driving to K-town, but at the end, the station didn't announce who the artist was.

Last month, I was in a car in Palm Bay with people that don't even know me, and the song came on. I know those people think I'm crazy, cause I got crazy excited, and asked them to stay in the car until the song was over...but, once again, the artist's name wasn't announced.

A couple of days a thought popped in my head: "I wonder if that guy that opened for Casting Crowns could be the one who sings that song." And yes! It is that guy! And yes, Wal Mart had the last Josh Bates CD today when I went looking for it.

I haven't felt this...in love...this...romanced, in quite a while.

Thank you Father, for blessing me so much today. Thank you Josh Bates for using the talents God's given you to praise His name.

Couldn't Have Said It Better

2006-07-12T01:09:00.000-04:00

God's love is so relentless in its pursuit of our terrified hearts. The love of God will hunt you down until you finally spin around in exasperation and admit how cherished you are. It gives us confidence when comfort is MIA. It gives our stories context and hope when somebody else recklessly rips out a chapter. It fills in the blanks. The love of God hoists us up on the shoulders of Jesus and hollers out the promise of St. Paul, "I can do ALL things through Christ, who gives me strength!" It scoops us up and makes us brave.

-Nichole Nordeman

D.O.M.B.

2006-07-12T00:56:00.000-04:00

"You need to stop thinkin about what you think you lost, and look forward to what there is to gain. It's a new life, baby. It's right in front of you. All you've got to do is reach out and grab it...By waking up every morning and thanking God that you did - and you ask Him to help you. Just ask the Savior to help you."

-Myrtle Jean

Pretty Place

2006-07-10T19:45:00.000-04:00

This is one of the most breathtaking places I've ever been. It's so overwhelming, that from the moment you step in until you've made it half way down the mountain, you're speechless. At least I am. I wish I was there now...

For Real

2006-07-10T18:31:00.000-04:00

Let me be real for a second. Yea, I'm ok. I know God's got His hand on me, I know He's gotta plan for me, and I know that He's protecting me from heartache so much greater than I've experienced this past month or so. But don't think it doesn't hurt like crazy, that sometimes, for a split second, I feel so empty and so alone and so hopeless and so ripped in half that I can't breathe and it takes a strength that's not my own to start again. I can't describe to you what it feels like "knowing" what your future consists of, of having a two-year plan, and being so certain that it was God's will, only to find out that you were wrong. I'm left not only wondering what the stink the next 2 months holds for me, much less two years, but also wondering if it's ever really possible to "know" God's will for your life. I constantly find myself asking, "what did all of that stuff mean, God? All that stuff that made me so 'sure'? Was I ever really sure? Was it all just some self made fantasy!?"

This whole process of retrospection, and self-evaluation and sad realization has got me so jacked up that I really don't know who I am. So now, when you think of me, know that I don't have it as together as it appears. Let me go ahead and step down from any pedestal that some may have me on. I'm sick of knowing that if people knew who I really am, they'd probably wish they never knew me in the first place.

Praise God that He is so faithful and never leaves me hanging, never leads me on, and doesn't fill me with empty promises. Praise God that He SHOWS me love, instead of just saying it. Praise Him that He never disappoints.

This is me admitting that I don't have it all together, and I never will if I'm the one writing the story.

This is me surrenduring every chamber of my heart to Him, and giving Him the pen.

When I look at you...

2006-07-07T12:40:00.000-04:00

I saw "Madea's Family Reunion" last night. Although it's not quite as quotable as "Diary of A Mad Black Woman," there was one line I absolutely loved.

"When I look at you, I know there is a God."

That just leaves me speechless. How amazing would it be to KNOW that people see God when they look at you? Uh...quite amazing!

That reminds me of another quote from "I am not but I know I AM."

"Success would mean people loving Him more than any of us, clamoring for His touch more than ours."

Bored at work...

2006-07-06T12:39:00.000-04:00

You know what I just noticed for the first time ever? In that N'Sync song "Bye Bye Bye," they say "Hey Hey" first. Isn't that odd?

If you read this, and have other odd things you'd like to share...feel free.

Home Again

2006-07-02T16:27:00.000-04:00

Camp was...an experience. I actually wrote a journal entry in my "real" journal on the way home yesterday that I'll add later, which basically sums camp up, for the most part.

Surprisingly, I miss being there. We had a pretty rocky start, and it wasn't until Thursday that I really opened myself up to God, and got out of His way. (Well, at least my thoughts got out of His way.) I was being quite negative, because the people there shocked me. Here are some things that I heard/saw in the first day:

(In worship) "I left my cigarettes!"
(From one of our girls) "A guy just walked into that room, and the girl only had a towel on."

You think that's shocking? I'm not gonna tell you what else happened... And the adult "chaperones" didn't care. The staffers on the other hand, were nothing short of AMAZING. They were such a blessing. I'd love to be on the FUGE staff for a summer.

God made His presence known to me, and to our youth, for sure. I've gotta cut this short, will finish later...

random

2006-06-25T22:10:00.000-04:00

We're leaving for camp tomorrow! I'm so excited about being in the mountains and getting a week off of work, and of Jacksonville and all the memories that lurk around EVERY CORNER! Woo!

I hope so much that I'll be able to go horseback riding. That would be fabulous, it would make my summer.

I saw Stomp tonight, it was a blast.

I wanna go to UM.

I had a wonderfully blessed day today. The Lord is SO lovely!

Love Song

2006-06-24T23:41:00.000-04:00

Ponder this: If God wrote a love song, how would it sound? What would the lyrics be?

You know, I don't think God would write a song to express love; He's so beyond that. He knows my heart, what will make it beat faster. He captures my heart and steals my breath with glory filled sunsets and moonlit lakes. He sings to me in a cool spring breeze; first rustling through the fresh green leaves, then cascading gently over me, lingering just long enough to whisper, "you're beautiful." He woo's me with a peaceful star filled sky, and causes me to fall for Him by making one fall for me. These are God's words of affection, His candlelit dinners, and His long slow dances. These are His firm embraces, gentle kisses, His love song. These are the things that my soul's Lover orchestrates, so that I might know His everlasting love for me.

Time Flies

2006-06-24T22:26:00.000-04:00

It's true...the time flew. God is my hearts keeper.

Letter from Kevin

2006-06-22T22:45:00.000-04:00

Shi, embrace the moments. I am easily distracted; if I am not careful I will miss the blessing and joy of a happy moment worrying about other stuff. I have struggled most of my life with incorrect focus. Now, I fight to be in the moment.

You don't know the heart of the "T-Rex," only God does, so praise God for the present break up. Listen, trust the Love of Jesus enough to know that your Husband will not only be hand picked by God, but will not be allowed to marry you before the right time. As a child of God you must embrace the process that God takes you through as much as the end result. If you follow God exactly to this point then praise God and celebrate the breakup.

God will either bring the two of you back together or begin a deeper process of preparation for marriage for both of you to someone else. Shi, it’s easier for me to say than for you to hear because I am not emotionally experiencing this process like you are, but it doesn't make this any less true. Remind your flesh daily that your God loves you, and that He will not allow just anyone to marry you because you live each day surrendered to His will.

Shi rejoice in knowing that if God wanted you to be married to the T-Rex, and He believed that the two of you were truly ready for the type of amazing intimacy and respect and passion that your marriage is destined to have, that you would already be married. Knowing God's future plans for you (remember David) is the same thing as waiting patiently for God's timing (remember King Saul).

Here is a simple thing to remember: find the joy in today and embrace it, go beyond that, fight for it. Find the joy and be available to God; in ministering to others, in eating an endless supply of FRUIT :)

The devil wants you saddened by a "possible" future event when God wants you embracing his blessings today.

-Kevin

UMobile

2006-06-21T16:41:00.000-04:00

I visited the University of Mobile this weekend. I loved it. It felt like home. I have no clue whether or not I’ll end up there...I'm still prayin.

I was indescribably nervous about traveling down there, and about how awkward it would be. But God is so faithful! I’m glad that things were smoothed over, and that the friendship still remains. Now I’ve just gotta figure out how to remove my heart from the matter, if that’s even possible. Is it wrong for me to hope that God will restore this relationship someday? I know it’s wrong for me to dwell on it, and I believe that with time it will subside. Lord, let the time fly!

My greatest fear is that this will end up being in vain, that I’ll neglect God in thought. “…be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” That’s what I’m so hungry for.

Beauty?

2006-06-16T15:23:00.000-04:00

"I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking." -George MacDonald

Amen!

Let's talk about this struggle with contentment, this fascination that beauty is society-defined. You see, the world wants me to believe that physical beauty = flawlessness.

This is what God says about it: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment...instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." -1 Peter 3:3-4

You see, true beauty is the radiance of a life that is captivated by God, and walks in His peace.

The first time I read that verse I thought about the most beautiful women I know, and what it is that makes them so captivating. They all radiate Jesus. Their lives point to Him. Not just your average arm in the air, pointing to the sky with one finger kinda point...these sistas are jumping up and down with both arms raised, and shouting "look at my Jesus!"

Explanation

2006-06-16T12:48:00.000-04:00

First, I must clear something up. When I said my trust got redirected, I didn’t mean I stopped trusting in my Savior. I guess the best way to explain it is to just lay it all out there…

I was in an extremely serious relationship (on the verge of engagement. Yes, we had the ring). I placed so much hope in the future marriage. I tried so hard to make sure that God was the center of that relationship, that I neglected the intimacy that I had with God before that guy even came along.

I don’t want this blog to be about him or us…I want it to be a chronicle of my destiny to decrease. "He must become greater; I must become less." -John 3:30

I love so much when God uses the natural to explain the spiritual…like Jesus did with parables. He gives me parables all the time. For example, last night in Bible study we talked about the term “on the fence.” Have you ever known someone who just doesn’t know what they want? I do. But what that person couldn’t figure out was whether or not I was “the one.” One day I heard that “God is confirming to me more and more every day that you are” and two days later it was “I’ve been having doubts for a week, I don’t know if you’re the one. I'll call you when I find out.”

God brought that to mind last night when Nina asked “So how do you think God feels when we’re on the fence about Him, and about the stands He wants us to take in our lives?” It broke my heart to know that so many times my actions void out my words: “Here am I, all of me, take my life, it’s all for Thee.” Have I ever said that and let it be true? Does He really have all of me? I wish I was sure, but my thoughts are so consumed by my present circumstances, that I doubt it. It’s my earnest desire for Him to captivate my every thought and emotion. I want the intimacy that we walked in before.

This is the promise that my faithful Creator gives me:
“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.”

So this is where I am right now...Broken. Confused. Thankful. Blessed. Waiting. Longing for true intimacy with the One who created it.

In Christ Alone...

2006-06-15T23:49:00.000-04:00

It's so easy to say "in Christ alone." I wish I could say I put my trust in Him alone...but recently I realized that my trust was misguided for a while.

I may share the details later...