Post from a Slacker

Oh my...an 18 month gap in posts? What a slacker am I!

In my last residential course of my undergraduate career I was required to take a personality test. I initially denied the results: melancholy. Me? Melancholy?!

Then I read things like this blog, or my journal, and have no choice but to accept the truth of that little test.

So, for the most part, I don't post when things are good. Sad, I know.

Update:

In the last 18 months, I was reunited with an old friend. We started dating in February, got engaged in August, and will be married on April 9, 2011! Yay! Between work, church, homework, spending time with Ben, and traveling all of central Virginia with Ben, I don't make much time for blogging. :)

So there you have it...my one solitary post in 2010. It's been a wonderful year!

I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!

To all my faithful followers, I'm sorry for leaving you with a depressing post for the last 3 months.

For as long as I've been able to express myself through written word, my strongest urges to write surface during my lowest dispositions. So, if you see a lull in posts, just know life is good. :)

And life is definitely wonderful.

For the first time in my life, I LOVE the summer. Could be the result of a beautiful juxtaposition (last winter was brutally depressing), or it could be everything about Virginia...but I'd say it's a little bit of both. I see mountains every day. I enjoy the mountains every day. The wildflowers, sunsets, waterfalls. The fireflies, wild rabbits, deer, and groundhogs.

Everything. I absolutely love everything about it.

K, maybe not the humidity. Definitely not the humidity...but it's easy to ignore in the grand scheme of things.

Since pictures are worth a thousand words, I'll just leave you with these. You'll understand why I'm in love with this place:

This little guy was on the side of the road. I see at least one every day. In fact, I was sitting on the porch this evening, and one ran across the yard. Scared me to death.
A stream running through Cave Mountain Lake park.
Apple Orchard Falls, Bedford, VA. By far my favorite discovery.
A wider view. You can actually climb all over the place. Duane and I climbed up to that huge boulder on the right. It was stunning...and terrifying!
Nate, Grace and me...taken by our new trail friend, Dave.

Dichotomy of the Mood

To be alone, or not to be alone? That is the question.

At least for me it is.

Escaping to a mountain top with nothing more than some chocolate, Coca-Cola, and a Bible is alluring.

And repulsive.

I've had an emotional weekend, 95% of it caused by loneliness. Why on earth would I desire solitude in the midst of loneliness?

Madness.

Reflecting on it now, I realize that my motives for desiring solitude are also the source of my loneliness.

So, how do I resolve this tension...this odd polarity of emotion?

Simple. Go to bed and stop thinking/whining about it!

Good night, friends! : )

Seriously contemplating deleting this blog. I'm on the computer all day at work, and the last thing I want to do is sit in front of it and be "productive" when I get home. Ergo, no blog posts, thus, no need for a blog. 

Plus I don't have anything interesting to write about. 

I work. 

I homework. 

I chill. 

I laugh. 

The absurd amount of laughter is definitely great, but I'm afraid that, when told, it would end up creating a "you had to be there" moment. No one likes those. 

So anyway. This is my post to satisfy the nagging feeling of a lack of posts.

I probably won't delete this blog...

I want to be free from this urgency... 

I want to be free from goals
    deadlines
 schedules
   obligations
    standards
 expectations
I want to be free of   s t r u c t u r e
    free to follow a still small voice 

            into an unknown future

       

       on an adventure so uncertain

                ...yet so secure

where logic cedes to confident trust, 

knowing that not knowing makes the most sense.

No, I will not blog about the 44th president elect.

Much has occurred since my last post about BIBL350.

Wait, who am I kidding? Life is exactly the same.

Ashley and Martha spent a weekend up here visiting. It was nice, but not long enough, especially since my job hogs so much of the wasted time I used to have.

My mom, Crys, and Amanda came up the following week, and we had a great time. We hiked Sharp Top...scratch that. Nate, Amanda, and I hiked Sharp Top. My mom and Crys lasted 10 minutes (and that's a stretch). The view from the top was stunning, but the extremely cold wind ran us off. We actually made it back down to the bottom in a little over 30 minutes (which, fyi, is quite impressive). We also captured some great pictures along the way. These are some of my faves...

I finished my BIBL350 class, and started two more; Intro to Missions, and John. I'm enjoying John about as much as I enjoyed 350...and somehow it's actually more demanding. It's also more mentally stimulating. For example: our professor believes that the water turned to wine was actually water turned to grape juice. His defining argument is that since wine can lead to drunkenness, Jesus wouldn't create it, because he wouldn't create something that is sinful...ergo, wine = grape juice.

Anyone else see the flaws there?

One last random tidbit. I learned how to play poker. Absolutely hated it the first time


but now


I'm in love.

BIBL350

This semester I'm enrolled in a class called Inductive Bible Study (or BIBL350). It is by far the most challenging class any religion major has to take. It's the dreaded one. You know that "duh duh duh" sound that is usually coupled with something ominous? That very sound goes through the minds of every religion student who hears (or thinks) of BIBL350. To make things more complicated, I'm taking it in a sub-term, which means I only have 8 weeks to do all of the work, as opposed to the normal 16. 

In the class, you learn the inductive method of Bible interpretation, and at the end of the semester, you have to write a 40 page paper on 12 verses (give or take a few). There is a TON of work in the class. You would not believe how great the process is for accurate Bible study. Each chapter of the textbook adds another step to the process. My assignments for this week were only chapters 8, which was on proper word studies, and 9, differences in translations. I spent almost 4 hours on them...on two chapters. 

I've loved it!

I know, call me crazy, but it's true. I have absolutely dreaded this class...but I think it will end up being the class that I loved the most. I'm sure I'll use it the most throughout the rest of my life. 

Anyway...that's all. 

Words and Bonds

Politics hold absolutely no appeal to me.

What happened to the days when a person's word was his or her bond? The phrase "actions speak louder than words" is nothing new, and it's certainly true. Maybe that phrase cheapened the worth of a persons words, because apparently they can just be thrown around now. Promises and claims can be made without one ounce of authenticity or truth behind them.

I hold Obama in no high esteem. I think his running for president is ridiculous. 

I do have some respect for McCain, however. He seems to be a genuine man, but because of the way politics are, I have no idea what to believe. I just read an email that shared the story of McCain's first wife. While he was in Vietnam, she suffered terrible injuries from a car crash. When he returned to America, he left her for a more beautiful, more wealthy woman. Is this true? I have no idea. But that's exactly what I mean...I have no idea what to believe.

The way the media handles politics, and the way politicians present themselves, makes me want to run away from the voting booths. I regret this, because as an American woman, I know the great sacrifices that were made for our suffrage. 

Should I have to choose between the so-called "lesser of two evils?" Because I won't. Call me un-American. My country is not as important to me as my faith, as my God. I am more than grateful that I was born in this land of freedom and opportunity, please don't doubt that. But I will trust that God's sovereignty will place the next president into that position regardless of the little bubble I darken on a ballot. My conscience isn't clear if I vote for someone I can't trust. 

So to you, McCain...please, please, let your words be your bond. Don't claim something just to win my vote. You have chosen to be in the limelight, so bare the good with the bad. Don't just parade the information that makes you look courageous and honest and full of integrity. Don't put yourself on a pedestal that you know you're destined to fall from. Be real. That's what will get you my vote.

The Latest

I'm not a fan of the template that I've chosen for my blog. That's one of the reasons I've been avoiding posting something new.

Really, I've been so swamped with work and school and life that I haven't had much time to post. I doubt anyone would enjoy reading about my drama filled existence anyhow, and that's the only thing I would have posted about, because for a while the drama all but consumed my every thought.

Now that I've released that whole messy burden to the Lord, I'm finally free to write about the good things! Three weeks ago I read a very simple saying in one of Elisabeth Elliot's devotionals: "Anything worth having is worth waiting for." Oh, how relevant and profound. God has certainly been using that little phrase to teach me many things. I'm a slow, stubborn learner, but it has been quite a journey. 

He has also been teaching me through the lives of two incredible young women; Mary and Meggan. (How funny it would be if Meggan's name was Martha!) It's amazing to discover new things about their lives every day, and feel God using their experiences to teach me more than I could read in a book. On the outside, they're polar opposites. Strangely enough, though, I can identify with them both in such a strongly connected way. 

You know what? It wasn't until this very moment that I remembered several tearful nights spent praying for God to bring me help. They are that answer. 

Thank you so much, Lord. 

I Don't Wanna Grow Up

I started my first full-time job today. I'm an office assistant in the Registrar's Office at LU. I'm sure I'll enjoy it because I have great co-workers, but it made me realize how much I'm going to miss last year. 

So what I really mean to say is I'll just miss the lack of any responsibility apart from going to class and occasionally doing homework.

Adulthood is lame-o.

I Don't Know Why You Say Goodbye...I Say Hello

In June I was in Lynchburg taking two summer intensives. One of those served as my internship and required 40 hours of hands on, volunteer ministry. I had no clue how I was going to find the time or the opportunity to complete those hours, to the point of regretting the decision to take that class this summer.

About three weeks ago, I got a phone call from an old family friend named Destry. He lives in Pensacola, heard about the requirements for my class, and offered to ask around the churches in P-cola to see if they needed someone to volunteer in some ministry. A couple of days later, he called back with the name of a youth pastor who was interested in having me come over.

Sidenote: Ashley lives in Pensacola, and goes to church at Marcus Pointe Baptist.

To make a long story short, Craig, the youth pastor of Marcus Pointe, called and asked me to be the female chaperone for their World Changers trip.

I love World Changers, and I love Ashley…so it was like this amazing bonus! I was SO excited. So excited.

And I was nervous.

Girls can be scary! I had no idea what to expect from them, but they surprised me by being nothing short of wonderful. We had this almost instant connection, and it continued to grow throughout the week. I also developed great friendships with people on my crew…ones that I’m sure will last a lifetime.

The heartbreak of saying goodbye was something I had not anticipated. This may sound weird, but I long for all of them. I think I understand now what it was like for the apostle Paul, and how he longed to see the Christians of the churches he ministered at. I think about all of the girls I met often, and wish I had more time to just love and encourage them. I saw incredible potential in each of them, and desperately hope they reach that through Christ, for God’s glory.

So Emily, Hannah, Kendra, Kasey, and Charleigh, if you ever read this, just know that meeting you was an overwhelming blessing…I love you and pray for you all the time! And miss you tons!

This is Emily. If God blesses me with a daughter, and she turns out like her, I'd love it.

These are the Marcus Pointe girls...love them!

And this is my crew and our homeowner. Some of the most enjoyable people in the world.

Summer Happenings

On this July 9th, summer is still in full swing. It’s hard to believe (in light of the summer I’ve been having) that I’ve only been soaking up the sun (yeah right) for two months. I really regret my lack of posts, because I’ve had some great stories. I think my favorite, and most frequently told, are the ones born during Apples to Apples. If you’ve never played, go and buy it. Seriously. Today.

Wait. I changed my mind. My favorite stories aren’t the Apples to Apples ones. My favorites are the ones of spiritual growth and activity that I hear from my friends. The first involves a friend who has befriended some of the local homeless people that hang out near his summer job. He’s on a first name basis with several of them. One of them even accepted his invitation to join him at church, where he saw her smile for the first time since he’s known her.

The story makes me smile, too.

The second story involves a friend who is vocalizing her frustration with the way believers mistreat others because of their sin, specifically homosexuality. She wrote an eloquently respectful letter to her pastor addressing the issue. I don’t think I told her, but I’m so proud. Most people (including myself) would have just complained and left it at that. She took a stand.

My spiritual activity this summer wasn’t really activity on my part, but on God’s. It was internal, and it was tough. I realized that I’m critical and judgmental. (Looking at that is still just as tough as realizing it for the first time.)

I often wonder why God leaves it up to us, to humans, to be His hands and feet and mouth when we are more likely to fail than to succeed. (See the critical shining through?) But then I remember that God sees beyond our failures, and He disregards our strengths. When I surrender to Him, He molds me. (I say “When I surrender to Him” as if I could do anything but, in light of who He is and what He’s done for me.) When I puff up, He deflates me. When I do anything without acknowledging Him, success is out of reach.

Anyway, to tie the two previous paragraphs together, I’m so thankful for the Lord’s rebuke. I’m thankful that He has called me and given me purpose, and I’m grateful that He refines me. I pray that I and my friends will forever be sensitive to the Spirit, that we will be full of love, not pride, and hold fast to the promise that the Refiner will carry on to completion the work He has begun in us.

Midnight Fright

I just had an encounter with not one but three roaches.

The first was on my bedroom door. I intended on throwing a shoe at it, but didn’t out of fear that it would run and/or fly after me. Then I had a genius thought; hairspray. If I sprayed it, it would freeze, and thus cure my fear of being chased.

After maintaining composure, I managed to stretch my arm to an unnatural length, open my bedroom door, and escape. As I opened the bathroom cabinet to grab my hairspray, I discovered an equally monstrous roach right next to it. I jumped into the hall and said, “God, why? Why roaches? Why me?”

As I frantically searched the walls around me for others, I noticed a bottle of Windex above the washing machine and heard a distant voice say, “Put some Windex on it!” So I did, and it worked. The roach was paralyzed.

I walked to the kitchen to get the broom and, lo and behold, there was another little monster on the kitchen floor. I kicked the broom to make sure there wasn’t a roach on it (at that point, I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was), picked it up, and stretched it out above the roach on the floor. I slammed it down, missed. The roach went running toward the darkness of the dining room, and I in the opposite direction.

I made it back to my room where I smacked the roach down to the floor, and whopped it 5 or 6 times until it finally died. I swept it out of my room, and into the bathroom, where I whopped it once more to be sure. Then I shoved the broom into the cabinet in an attempt to scare the other roach out, but it just scurried to the back. I gave up the fight, inspected every inch of my room, and grabbed three towels.

Those towels are currently wedged between the bottom of my closet and bedroom doors. They are my only protection from those demons of the dark.

Compulsion

Today I was thinking about all of the times that I have felt compelled to write everything I am (or was) thinking and feeling. For some unknown reason the thought of expressing myself through written (or typed) word appears...liberating. That's why the title of this entire blog is "The Vent". 

Is this compulsion inherent, or contemporary? 

If it is inherent, then why do I sometimes feel as though expression deserves a reprimand? 

If it is contemporary, then why do I waste my time?

The conclusion that I've come to for the time being is that my motives are what deserve examination. Has personal ventilation replaced prayer? In my case I'm afraid so. I've discovered (with Divine guidance, I'm sure) that I want to be in control, to lean on my own understanding, to feel the satisfaction that results when someone verbally and physically sympathizes with my frustrations, heart aches, fears, and joys. 

The tragedy is that I seem to have forgotten that I have surrendered control, that my duty is to trust in the Lord with all my heart, and to completely forsake my understanding. Most beautifully, I have a high priest who is able to sympathize with my weaknesses. Why would I neglect 'venting' to Him?

My prayer is that I will completely return to my first love. For whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

-Psalm 73:25

A Touch

On Thursday I found out that I will most definitely be graduating next May. This news took me by complete surprise, because I was convinced that there was no way I'd graduate then. I hated the idea not because I'm just ready to be done with L.U., but because I wanted to be able to graduate with my BF, and roommate. So hearing the news put a little spring in my step, and I was bouncing through Target when my BF/roommate called me. I couldn't wait to tell her the news...but she had news of her own to share.

"Devastating news," as she put it.

"I'm not coming back to Liberty after this semester..."

What the junk!?

My whole day was completely ruined. All I kept thinking about was how nothing is going to be the same next semester. Before going to sleep that night, I grabbed my Bible to continue reading through Genesis. I started reading, but I wanted something relevant...a "touch". So I asked God to lead me to something that would bring comfort.

This is it:

"Satisfy us in the morning with Your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."
-Psalm 90:14

His love satisfies me. Oh, does it ever! His steadfast love is (and should be) the source of my rejoicing and gladness. The source.

Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. I am so thankful that the very One that created me loves me with a resolute love. I am also thankful that He has blessed me with two incredible roommates! Naomi and I will miss Ashley a ton...she'll never be replaced! 

Ashley, if you ever read this, two verses just came to mind as I was thinking about you and this situation. I know they're quoted often, but that's ok, right? 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." -Isaiah 26:3

The Word

First, I'd like to point out that it's 5:27 a.m., and I'm awake. I have been since 4, and I have a class at 9:15. Yesssss.

In the past hour and a half, I've laid in bed thinking, painted my nails, and read Habakkuk. Next activity: blogging. I apologize in advance for the sloppy writing that you're probably about to encounter...

I'm taking a Church Ministries class this semester, and two of the required books are "Fool's Gold" by John MacArthur, and "The Purpose Driven Church" by Rick Warren. If you are even remotely familiar with these two pastors, you can probably (and rightly) assume that the two books are extremely contrasting.

MacArthur addresses the lack of Biblical discernment of many believers today, and the lack of Biblical teaching from the pulpit. I thoroughly appreciate what he has to say. Far too many believers have exchanged the all satisfying Word of God for the self gratifying prosperity gospel. (For a brief, powerful introduction to the prosperity gospel, check out John Piper's comments on youtube.)

3 years ago, as a freshman in college, I was sitting in a living room listening to a man lead a devotion. His left hand was holding the Bible, and his right hand was continually tapping it as he said, "we have got to get past the word, and get in to the voice!"

Do you hear how dangerous that statement is?

We can never get past the Word! The Word is the voice!

Somehow we have let this horrible mindset creep into the church that says that the Word isn't satisfying enough. We fill up on garbage, on false promises from ignorant pastors who say that Jesus died so that our lives would be prosperous.

No! He died so that we would have abundance! That does not mean that we will have perfect relationships and an overflowing bank account. What it does mean is that when the world and everything it has to offer fails us (which it most certainly will) we can put our trust in a sovereign, benevolent, faithful God who will provide anything and everything we need.

The next time you hear someone talking about how God wants you to have perfect relationships or wealth, think about this: Jesus' relationships with people were so perfect that the ones he came to rescue exchanged him for a thief, and murdered him. He also publicly spoke against the wealthy and the pursuit of riches (See Luke 6:20-25; Luke 1:53).

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God, and the Word was with God...And the Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." -John 1:1, 14

We must never get past the Word.

Streams in the Desert

The following is an excerpt from the pages of "Streams in the Desert". I found it to be a relevant message on the first day of a new year.

We ought not to rest content in the mists of the valley when the summit of Tabor awaits us. How pure are the dews of the hills, how fresh is the mountain air, how rich the fare of the dwellers aloft, whose windows look into the New Jerusalem!

Many saints are content to live like men in coal mines, who see not the sun. Tears mar their faces when they might anoint them with celestial oil. Satisfied I am that many a believer pines in a dungeon when he might walk on the palace roof, and view the goodly land and Lebanon. Rouse thee, O believer, from thy low condition! Cast away thy sloth, thy lethargy, thy coldness, or whatever interferes with thy chaste and pure love to Christ. Make Him the source, the center, and the circumference of all thy soul's range of delight. Rest no longer satisfied with thy dwarfish attainments. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, a fuller life. Upward to heaven! Nearer to God!
--Spurgeon

"I want to scale the utmost height,
And catch a gleam of glory bright;
But still I'll pray, till heaven I've found,
Lord, lead me on to higher ground!"

Not many of us are living at our best. We linger in the lowlands because we are afraid to climb the mountains. The steepness and ruggedness dismay us, and so we stay in the misty valleys and do not learn the mystery of the hills. We do not know what we lose in our self-indulgence, what glory awaits us if only we had courage for the mountain climb, what blessing we should find if only we would move to the uplands of God. --J. R. M

2007

I know. The "recaps" are getting a little redundant, but they're necessary. For some reason I feel compelled to document the highlights (or lowlights, whichever you prefer) of my year.

I can think of no better way to start off a year than by worshipping with tens of thousands, and learning from some well known, admirable Christians. Passion07 was most definitely the first of many highlights. (See Passion07 and Journal for more details.)

That same month, a chapter that I thought (and feared) was forever closed reopened. The relationship that crumbled (and my heart along with it) during the summer of 2006 was suddenly and unexpectedly being pieced back together. I was incredibly excited, yet incredibly confused, scared, hesitant, and cautious.

February flew by, and in March I decided that the spring semester would be my last. I didn't want to teach, I didn't want to be in a public college...I wanted to be married. Some arrangements were "made" so that that desire would be fulfilled the following year.

In May, I visited Liberty University. It was love at first sight. That same week, the founder of the University, Dr. Jerry Falwell, passed away. My friends Robby and Emily wed on the 19th, which was exciting and odd. That same time one year prior, Robby was single, and interning at my church, and had no clue that Emily even existed. My how things change within a year!

In June, the relationship that began in January ended exactly as it began: suddenly and unexpectedly. I was surprised at how "ok" with it I was. To this day, I haven't shed a tear over the loss. The break up quickly ushered me into the next chapter of my life; I applied to Liberty University, and started classes on August 20th.

In September I moved from the Campus East dorms to the Aarons Place townhouse with Ashley and Naomi. I've loved every minute of it. (Well, minus the 28 days of Hishge!)

I love the scenery of Lynchburg, and the spirit of Liberty, but the friendships that formed within the last few months of 2007 have made the Burg home.

As tacky as this will sound, Nate is by far my best "guy" friend. I honestly believe that my first semester at Liberty wouldn't have been the same without him. We have this great 40/60 relationship (just kiddin Nate!). He doesn't know it, but he provided great encouragement and love on the rare hard, lonely, tearful nights. God used you, Nate. Thank you.

Ashley, Naomi, and Allen are next on the BFF list. : ) I don't think I've ever laughed more than I have with the three of them.

Late in the semester, I met Jordan, Chris, Sam, Nikki, and way late...Grant. They probably don't know how much of a blessing they were and are, and how much they challenge me spiritually. (Especially Grant.)

Speaking of "spiritually," I was challenged in ways I've never been. I learned much; about God, His Word, and His relation to me/me to Him. I realized how undisciplined I am, and how I had forgotten my first love. I went through a month of complacency/bitterness, but came out reminded of God's love and faithfulness and sovereignty.

I wasn't happy with my "lot" in life at that moment (which is a mark of immaturity and doubt) and through that, I gave Satan a foothold, both in my relationship with God, and with others. It didn't take too long for God to correct that though. (He always wins.)

I came home in December for break, had a wonderful Christmas, and a not so wonderful working experience. (But it ends tomorrow!)

On to the closing remarks: Things rarely turn out the way they're "supposed" to. That's because I am not the determiner of things, of which I am so thankful. One thing I've had to constantly remind myself, and I think I've finally accepted, is that dwelling on the past is extremely counterproductive. If things that were, are no more, then so be it. It is wasted time and energy to think about how I might have done things differently, or to simply think of the "no more". It will undoubtedly hold me back. I MUST refuse to allow this to happen. There are few unseen (and un-Divine) forces as strong as the mind and its thoughts...I alone am responsible for them.

It's a battlefield.

But I am more than a conqueror...

Farewell, 07!

Why?

Here's a quote and some thoughts that it stirred:

"The empty tomb was the answer to the cross."
-Gary Habermas

Jesus, in the midst of his greatest moment of suffering, asked God "why?"

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

God never gave Jesus a direct answer (we assume). But Jesus, in God's perfect orchestration, received the answer the moment he walked out of that tomb. Again and again he received answers as he saw his disciples face to face once more. So why did He do it?

Love.

The same occurs with us during our trials. We are almost always sure to ask "why" when we suffer, and God never says "because of this and this and this and this." With time answers reveal themselves. Sometimes they don't. This doesn't make God any less true or trustworthy.

Trials don't exist to prove God's faithfulness to us. They prove our faith in Him.

November

Sometimes I forget I have this thing.

While I did manage to get one post up during November, it was all about October. So, here's November:

First off, it's probably the fastest month I've experienced in my life so far. I went home for the week of Thanksgiving, and I missed Liberty the whole time. I wasn't really prepared to discover that home isn't home anymore.

I decided to spend my time with people I don't normally allocate time for; Jeph, Andy, Alex, David. (Maybe that's why it didn't feel like home...) It was o.k.

I finished out the last week of November in the Burg. It was a rough week, to say the least. The details are too "detailed" for the internet, so I'm going to have to keep that on the D.L.

So there you go. November. Not much to it.