I Don't Wanna Grow Up

I started my first full-time job today. I'm an office assistant in the Registrar's Office at LU. I'm sure I'll enjoy it because I have great co-workers, but it made me realize how much I'm going to miss last year. 

So what I really mean to say is I'll just miss the lack of any responsibility apart from going to class and occasionally doing homework.

Adulthood is lame-o.

I Don't Know Why You Say Goodbye...I Say Hello

In June I was in Lynchburg taking two summer intensives. One of those served as my internship and required 40 hours of hands on, volunteer ministry. I had no clue how I was going to find the time or the opportunity to complete those hours, to the point of regretting the decision to take that class this summer.

About three weeks ago, I got a phone call from an old family friend named Destry. He lives in Pensacola, heard about the requirements for my class, and offered to ask around the churches in P-cola to see if they needed someone to volunteer in some ministry. A couple of days later, he called back with the name of a youth pastor who was interested in having me come over.

Sidenote: Ashley lives in Pensacola, and goes to church at Marcus Pointe Baptist.

To make a long story short, Craig, the youth pastor of Marcus Pointe, called and asked me to be the female chaperone for their World Changers trip.

I love World Changers, and I love Ashley…so it was like this amazing bonus! I was SO excited. So excited.

And I was nervous.

Girls can be scary! I had no idea what to expect from them, but they surprised me by being nothing short of wonderful. We had this almost instant connection, and it continued to grow throughout the week. I also developed great friendships with people on my crew…ones that I’m sure will last a lifetime.

The heartbreak of saying goodbye was something I had not anticipated. This may sound weird, but I long for all of them. I think I understand now what it was like for the apostle Paul, and how he longed to see the Christians of the churches he ministered at. I think about all of the girls I met often, and wish I had more time to just love and encourage them. I saw incredible potential in each of them, and desperately hope they reach that through Christ, for God’s glory.

So Emily, Hannah, Kendra, Kasey, and Charleigh, if you ever read this, just know that meeting you was an overwhelming blessing…I love you and pray for you all the time! And miss you tons!

This is Emily. If God blesses me with a daughter, and she turns out like her, I'd love it.

These are the Marcus Pointe girls...love them!

And this is my crew and our homeowner. Some of the most enjoyable people in the world.

Summer Happenings

On this July 9th, summer is still in full swing. It’s hard to believe (in light of the summer I’ve been having) that I’ve only been soaking up the sun (yeah right) for two months. I really regret my lack of posts, because I’ve had some great stories. I think my favorite, and most frequently told, are the ones born during Apples to Apples. If you’ve never played, go and buy it. Seriously. Today.

Wait. I changed my mind. My favorite stories aren’t the Apples to Apples ones. My favorites are the ones of spiritual growth and activity that I hear from my friends. The first involves a friend who has befriended some of the local homeless people that hang out near his summer job. He’s on a first name basis with several of them. One of them even accepted his invitation to join him at church, where he saw her smile for the first time since he’s known her.

The story makes me smile, too.

The second story involves a friend who is vocalizing her frustration with the way believers mistreat others because of their sin, specifically homosexuality. She wrote an eloquently respectful letter to her pastor addressing the issue. I don’t think I told her, but I’m so proud. Most people (including myself) would have just complained and left it at that. She took a stand.

My spiritual activity this summer wasn’t really activity on my part, but on God’s. It was internal, and it was tough. I realized that I’m critical and judgmental. (Looking at that is still just as tough as realizing it for the first time.)

I often wonder why God leaves it up to us, to humans, to be His hands and feet and mouth when we are more likely to fail than to succeed. (See the critical shining through?) But then I remember that God sees beyond our failures, and He disregards our strengths. When I surrender to Him, He molds me. (I say “When I surrender to Him” as if I could do anything but, in light of who He is and what He’s done for me.) When I puff up, He deflates me. When I do anything without acknowledging Him, success is out of reach.

Anyway, to tie the two previous paragraphs together, I’m so thankful for the Lord’s rebuke. I’m thankful that He has called me and given me purpose, and I’m grateful that He refines me. I pray that I and my friends will forever be sensitive to the Spirit, that we will be full of love, not pride, and hold fast to the promise that the Refiner will carry on to completion the work He has begun in us.

Midnight Fright

I just had an encounter with not one but three roaches.

The first was on my bedroom door. I intended on throwing a shoe at it, but didn’t out of fear that it would run and/or fly after me. Then I had a genius thought; hairspray. If I sprayed it, it would freeze, and thus cure my fear of being chased.

After maintaining composure, I managed to stretch my arm to an unnatural length, open my bedroom door, and escape. As I opened the bathroom cabinet to grab my hairspray, I discovered an equally monstrous roach right next to it. I jumped into the hall and said, “God, why? Why roaches? Why me?”

As I frantically searched the walls around me for others, I noticed a bottle of Windex above the washing machine and heard a distant voice say, “Put some Windex on it!” So I did, and it worked. The roach was paralyzed.

I walked to the kitchen to get the broom and, lo and behold, there was another little monster on the kitchen floor. I kicked the broom to make sure there wasn’t a roach on it (at that point, I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was), picked it up, and stretched it out above the roach on the floor. I slammed it down, missed. The roach went running toward the darkness of the dining room, and I in the opposite direction.

I made it back to my room where I smacked the roach down to the floor, and whopped it 5 or 6 times until it finally died. I swept it out of my room, and into the bathroom, where I whopped it once more to be sure. Then I shoved the broom into the cabinet in an attempt to scare the other roach out, but it just scurried to the back. I gave up the fight, inspected every inch of my room, and grabbed three towels.

Those towels are currently wedged between the bottom of my closet and bedroom doors. They are my only protection from those demons of the dark.

Compulsion

Today I was thinking about all of the times that I have felt compelled to write everything I am (or was) thinking and feeling. For some unknown reason the thought of expressing myself through written (or typed) word appears...liberating. That's why the title of this entire blog is "The Vent". 

Is this compulsion inherent, or contemporary? 

If it is inherent, then why do I sometimes feel as though expression deserves a reprimand? 

If it is contemporary, then why do I waste my time?

The conclusion that I've come to for the time being is that my motives are what deserve examination. Has personal ventilation replaced prayer? In my case I'm afraid so. I've discovered (with Divine guidance, I'm sure) that I want to be in control, to lean on my own understanding, to feel the satisfaction that results when someone verbally and physically sympathizes with my frustrations, heart aches, fears, and joys. 

The tragedy is that I seem to have forgotten that I have surrendered control, that my duty is to trust in the Lord with all my heart, and to completely forsake my understanding. Most beautifully, I have a high priest who is able to sympathize with my weaknesses. Why would I neglect 'venting' to Him?

My prayer is that I will completely return to my first love. For whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

-Psalm 73:25

A Touch

On Thursday I found out that I will most definitely be graduating next May. This news took me by complete surprise, because I was convinced that there was no way I'd graduate then. I hated the idea not because I'm just ready to be done with L.U., but because I wanted to be able to graduate with my BF, and roommate. So hearing the news put a little spring in my step, and I was bouncing through Target when my BF/roommate called me. I couldn't wait to tell her the news...but she had news of her own to share.

"Devastating news," as she put it.

"I'm not coming back to Liberty after this semester..."

What the junk!?

My whole day was completely ruined. All I kept thinking about was how nothing is going to be the same next semester. Before going to sleep that night, I grabbed my Bible to continue reading through Genesis. I started reading, but I wanted something relevant...a "touch". So I asked God to lead me to something that would bring comfort.

This is it:

"Satisfy us in the morning with Your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days."
-Psalm 90:14

His love satisfies me. Oh, does it ever! His steadfast love is (and should be) the source of my rejoicing and gladness. The source.

Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. I am so thankful that the very One that created me loves me with a resolute love. I am also thankful that He has blessed me with two incredible roommates! Naomi and I will miss Ashley a ton...she'll never be replaced! 

Ashley, if you ever read this, two verses just came to mind as I was thinking about you and this situation. I know they're quoted often, but that's ok, right? 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." -Jeremiah 29:11

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." -Isaiah 26:3

The Word

First, I'd like to point out that it's 5:27 a.m., and I'm awake. I have been since 4, and I have a class at 9:15. Yesssss.

In the past hour and a half, I've laid in bed thinking, painted my nails, and read Habakkuk. Next activity: blogging. I apologize in advance for the sloppy writing that you're probably about to encounter...

I'm taking a Church Ministries class this semester, and two of the required books are "Fool's Gold" by John MacArthur, and "The Purpose Driven Church" by Rick Warren. If you are even remotely familiar with these two pastors, you can probably (and rightly) assume that the two books are extremely contrasting.

MacArthur addresses the lack of Biblical discernment of many believers today, and the lack of Biblical teaching from the pulpit. I thoroughly appreciate what he has to say. Far too many believers have exchanged the all satisfying Word of God for the self gratifying prosperity gospel. (For a brief, powerful introduction to the prosperity gospel, check out John Piper's comments on youtube.)

3 years ago, as a freshman in college, I was sitting in a living room listening to a man lead a devotion. His left hand was holding the Bible, and his right hand was continually tapping it as he said, "we have got to get past the word, and get in to the voice!"

Do you hear how dangerous that statement is?

We can never get past the Word! The Word is the voice!

Somehow we have let this horrible mindset creep into the church that says that the Word isn't satisfying enough. We fill up on garbage, on false promises from ignorant pastors who say that Jesus died so that our lives would be prosperous.

No! He died so that we would have abundance! That does not mean that we will have perfect relationships and an overflowing bank account. What it does mean is that when the world and everything it has to offer fails us (which it most certainly will) we can put our trust in a sovereign, benevolent, faithful God who will provide anything and everything we need.

The next time you hear someone talking about how God wants you to have perfect relationships or wealth, think about this: Jesus' relationships with people were so perfect that the ones he came to rescue exchanged him for a thief, and murdered him. He also publicly spoke against the wealthy and the pursuit of riches (See Luke 6:20-25; Luke 1:53).

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God, and the Word was with God...And the Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us. We have seen His glory, the glory of the One and only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." -John 1:1, 14

We must never get past the Word.

Streams in the Desert

The following is an excerpt from the pages of "Streams in the Desert". I found it to be a relevant message on the first day of a new year.

We ought not to rest content in the mists of the valley when the summit of Tabor awaits us. How pure are the dews of the hills, how fresh is the mountain air, how rich the fare of the dwellers aloft, whose windows look into the New Jerusalem!

Many saints are content to live like men in coal mines, who see not the sun. Tears mar their faces when they might anoint them with celestial oil. Satisfied I am that many a believer pines in a dungeon when he might walk on the palace roof, and view the goodly land and Lebanon. Rouse thee, O believer, from thy low condition! Cast away thy sloth, thy lethargy, thy coldness, or whatever interferes with thy chaste and pure love to Christ. Make Him the source, the center, and the circumference of all thy soul's range of delight. Rest no longer satisfied with thy dwarfish attainments. Aspire to a higher, a nobler, a fuller life. Upward to heaven! Nearer to God!
--Spurgeon

"I want to scale the utmost height,
And catch a gleam of glory bright;
But still I'll pray, till heaven I've found,
Lord, lead me on to higher ground!"

Not many of us are living at our best. We linger in the lowlands because we are afraid to climb the mountains. The steepness and ruggedness dismay us, and so we stay in the misty valleys and do not learn the mystery of the hills. We do not know what we lose in our self-indulgence, what glory awaits us if only we had courage for the mountain climb, what blessing we should find if only we would move to the uplands of God. --J. R. M

2007

I know. The "recaps" are getting a little redundant, but they're necessary. For some reason I feel compelled to document the highlights (or lowlights, whichever you prefer) of my year.

I can think of no better way to start off a year than by worshipping with tens of thousands, and learning from some well known, admirable Christians. Passion07 was most definitely the first of many highlights. (See Passion07 and Journal for more details.)

That same month, a chapter that I thought (and feared) was forever closed reopened. The relationship that crumbled (and my heart along with it) during the summer of 2006 was suddenly and unexpectedly being pieced back together. I was incredibly excited, yet incredibly confused, scared, hesitant, and cautious.

February flew by, and in March I decided that the spring semester would be my last. I didn't want to teach, I didn't want to be in a public college...I wanted to be married. Some arrangements were "made" so that that desire would be fulfilled the following year.

In May, I visited Liberty University. It was love at first sight. That same week, the founder of the University, Dr. Jerry Falwell, passed away. My friends Robby and Emily wed on the 19th, which was exciting and odd. That same time one year prior, Robby was single, and interning at my church, and had no clue that Emily even existed. My how things change within a year!

In June, the relationship that began in January ended exactly as it began: suddenly and unexpectedly. I was surprised at how "ok" with it I was. To this day, I haven't shed a tear over the loss. The break up quickly ushered me into the next chapter of my life; I applied to Liberty University, and started classes on August 20th.

In September I moved from the Campus East dorms to the Aarons Place townhouse with Ashley and Naomi. I've loved every minute of it. (Well, minus the 28 days of Hishge!)

I love the scenery of Lynchburg, and the spirit of Liberty, but the friendships that formed within the last few months of 2007 have made the Burg home.

As tacky as this will sound, Nate is by far my best "guy" friend. I honestly believe that my first semester at Liberty wouldn't have been the same without him. We have this great 40/60 relationship (just kiddin Nate!). He doesn't know it, but he provided great encouragement and love on the rare hard, lonely, tearful nights. God used you, Nate. Thank you.

Ashley, Naomi, and Allen are next on the BFF list. : ) I don't think I've ever laughed more than I have with the three of them.

Late in the semester, I met Jordan, Chris, Sam, Nikki, and way late...Grant. They probably don't know how much of a blessing they were and are, and how much they challenge me spiritually. (Especially Grant.)

Speaking of "spiritually," I was challenged in ways I've never been. I learned much; about God, His Word, and His relation to me/me to Him. I realized how undisciplined I am, and how I had forgotten my first love. I went through a month of complacency/bitterness, but came out reminded of God's love and faithfulness and sovereignty.

I wasn't happy with my "lot" in life at that moment (which is a mark of immaturity and doubt) and through that, I gave Satan a foothold, both in my relationship with God, and with others. It didn't take too long for God to correct that though. (He always wins.)

I came home in December for break, had a wonderful Christmas, and a not so wonderful working experience. (But it ends tomorrow!)

On to the closing remarks: Things rarely turn out the way they're "supposed" to. That's because I am not the determiner of things, of which I am so thankful. One thing I've had to constantly remind myself, and I think I've finally accepted, is that dwelling on the past is extremely counterproductive. If things that were, are no more, then so be it. It is wasted time and energy to think about how I might have done things differently, or to simply think of the "no more". It will undoubtedly hold me back. I MUST refuse to allow this to happen. There are few unseen (and un-Divine) forces as strong as the mind and its thoughts...I alone am responsible for them.

It's a battlefield.

But I am more than a conqueror...

Farewell, 07!

Why?

Here's a quote and some thoughts that it stirred:

"The empty tomb was the answer to the cross."
-Gary Habermas

Jesus, in the midst of his greatest moment of suffering, asked God "why?"

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

God never gave Jesus a direct answer (we assume). But Jesus, in God's perfect orchestration, received the answer the moment he walked out of that tomb. Again and again he received answers as he saw his disciples face to face once more. So why did He do it?

Love.

The same occurs with us during our trials. We are almost always sure to ask "why" when we suffer, and God never says "because of this and this and this and this." With time answers reveal themselves. Sometimes they don't. This doesn't make God any less true or trustworthy.

Trials don't exist to prove God's faithfulness to us. They prove our faith in Him.

November

Sometimes I forget I have this thing.

While I did manage to get one post up during November, it was all about October. So, here's November:

First off, it's probably the fastest month I've experienced in my life so far. I went home for the week of Thanksgiving, and I missed Liberty the whole time. I wasn't really prepared to discover that home isn't home anymore.

I decided to spend my time with people I don't normally allocate time for; Jeph, Andy, Alex, David. (Maybe that's why it didn't feel like home...) It was o.k.

I finished out the last week of November in the Burg. It was a rough week, to say the least. The details are too "detailed" for the internet, so I'm going to have to keep that on the D.L.

So there you go. November. Not much to it.

October

So I managed to make it through the whole month of October without posting a blog.

I say that like it's something I actually tried to achieve. I just haven't had the time or energy to. That's changing now though. I've been investing far too much time into social activity. Worse yet, the internet. (Nerd!) But two nights ago I decided not to get online, on AIM, or on the phone past 11 pm. It's amazing how productive I've been in the last 36 hours! I typed a 7 page paper, rearranged/cleaned my room, and read for youth ministry.

Back to October.

Quite an eventful month. I went home during the first weekend. (Fall Break.) Made some new friends (Jon, Nikki, Steven, and Jordan Davis). Went to Charlottesville for a MuteMath concert. Bought a bed. Dealt with my mom's appendix exploding. (OK, so it didn't really explode...but it sounds cool.) Carved a pumpkin. Had a Halloween Party. (I was a fairy.) Umm...had some promises broken, and was lied to.

There ya go...October in a nutshell! Or should I say pumpkin seed shell?

Apart from the external events, I had a few internal realizations. I learned a few things about God, about myself, and about others.

What did I learn, you ask?

You'll find out in the next post! (If you're lucky...) ; )

Late Night Post

I'm stuck awake, perfect time for another attempt at a random post!

Today was probably THE best day I've had at Liberty so far. Classes were great. Then after class I went to the post office and met a lady who told me about a church that I hope to visit. I'd only known the lady for five minutes and when we left, she gave me a super long hug. It was such a blessing...I haven't had a long hug in a while. (I miss you JuJu-Bee...can't wait til the 29th!)

My youth ministry professor suggested today that the parable of the Prodigal Son isn't about backsliders who recognize the error of their ways and eventually return to the Lord. Instead, the Prodigal was lost to begin with. The Gentiles would have identified with him. The pharisees would have identified with the older son that gets jealous, though he was always with the father. If this is true, then what of backsliders? Is there really such a thing as a backslidden believer? Maybe not...

Think of the parable of the four seeds. One seed never sprouts. Two seeds fall on separate grounds and produce temporary results. They appear to hold the promise of being fruitful and true, but both die.

Only one yields a harvest. Only one is proven true.

I don't believe that a true child of God can lose their salvation. But the more I study, the more I believe that one can have the appearance of a genuine believer, only to be proven false in the long wrong.

Think of Judas. He was one of the twelve disciples. He beheld God in the flesh. He actually kissed the face of God. Yet the kiss was one of betrayal. He had the appearance of a disciple, but was untrue.

Scary.

Like the title of this post says...it's late. I would love to expand, but my brain is shutting down. Maybe I'll pick up where I've left off some other day.

Can't Relate

Relationships are so complicated...at least for me they are. I have so many reservations, fears, and insecurities. I always have my defenses up, and I question EVERYTHING. Lord, help my future husband. He's gonna have his hands full in the beginning of our relationship!

I get to see Ella and Luke in 3 days! I can't wait. Luke's gonna be my cuddle buddy.

I need a dog. Or a really good teddy bear. Or I could just kidnap Luke.

I saw Evan Almighty tonight. Just to clarify, the flood was indeed about God's wrath...not about people 'working together in pairs'. That's just silly. One thing I did like: "God" says, "If you ask God for patience, He won't give you patience, He'll give you the opportunity to be patient."

Well...good night.

None

So I painted on a canvas for the first time last night. It was really relaxing and mind-emptying. (Because I would try really hard to think of something to paint, but nothing would come!) I'll have to start doing it when I have alot on my mind and want a break.

I'm beginning to feel complacement. I would contribute it to not having enough time to get plugged in to anything, but that's not it. My personal, individual alone time with the Lord is just slackin. I love Liberty, and learning about the Lord in class, but I sometimes fear that it will become routine. That my relationship with God will become less intimate and more "knowledge driven". I really don't want to be one of those people.

Today I was thinking about how easy it is for a person to appear one way, and be COMPLETELY different when you get to know them. For example, someone can have the appearance of being full of integrity, honesty, faithfulness, compassion, and passionate about the will of God. But then you get to know them, and you find that NONE of these things (or any other qualities that you may like to add) are accurate descriptions of the person.

This was really discouraging to me...because it's usually not until after you've developed a certain level of respect, admiration and even love for this person that the facade begins to fade. So then I'm faced with this dilemma: how do you trust that the person you're talking to is really who they appear to be? Is it possible to find someone who really is what you see?

Then I thought about this: I can't see the Lord, but I never question His character. He doesn't change. He is always who He says He is. Sometimes I long to see Him, to literally feel Him, to be held and comforted by Him, but I find greater comfort in knowing that He is Truth. He will not disappoint. He will not fail. My eyes may not catch glimpse of Him, but my heart sees Him.

And He is absolutely breathtaking.

Homesick

Welcome to my first case of homesickness.

I've always been pretty independent, so missing home this much is quite a surprise to me.

I enjoy Liberty. I really do. I love the mountains, and having to use my Bible for homework, and praying before starting every class, and meeting friendly people, and Campus church, etc. But for some reason I find myself being reminded of high school.

Yay for high school!

Sike.

That's what makes me miss home: the lack of anything even similar to high school. No drama. No girls that are consumed with guys and checking them out and finding "the one." Another thing that's weird...having everything you say repeated to someone else. I hate that. Actually, maybe I don't. It holds me accountable.

The bigger issue, the one that really made me long for a familiar face and voice, especially a long hug and encouraging words, is pretty complicated and can't be openly discussed on this "public blog". So, I'll try to explain it as best I can. I was spending alot of very enjoyable time with a friend, but the decision was made tonight that the friendship should probably come to an end, because it's effecting another friendship in a negative way. Blah. So now I'm afraid I won't enjoy it here as much as I have been. Lame-o. This silly drama is just lame. o.

Well anyway, I was going to complain some more, but I don't want to.

Oh...I do have some happy stuff to share. Tonight I had a little date with God. What started out as a very lonely event lead me to a quiet spot where I could watch fireworks and just meditate on the Lord and His Word. It was so warm and comforting and peaceful.

I love Him so much.

Something I wrote a while ago...

Oh God, be near to this broken heart
Though it seems there's not much,
I pour it out to You
For You are my refuge

I can't take back what I handed over
to wreckless hands
and an unsovereign heart

But your gentle whisper steals me away:
"No one will take her from My hands."

So be at rest once more, O my soul
For the Lord has been good to you.

Approach the throne of grace
With confident faith
The grace that makes all things new.

I will be strong, I will take heart
Lord I will wait for You.

Psalm 19:14

It's really hard to come back to a quiet office after working on houses with a bunch of crazy middle schoolers for a week. It makes me miss it, and them, even more.

Psalm 19:14 says this: "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." The Spirit recalled this verse to my memory countless times while working on the houses, especially when my mind started to wander. (Which is almost always!) I realized how often the meditations of my heart are not pleasing in His sight. They're so counterproductive. They're so pointless and silly and just a waste of time. They distract me from the Lord's voice and from His leading, and they kept me from seeing clearly for two years. Two. Years. That is ridiculous.

But finally, during a week when I thought God would be using me to change someone else's world, He used eight 14, 15, and 16 year olds, and one 21 year old to change mine. He moved in my heart and I feel so…weightless. My heart is no longer bound to lies and selfish, ignorant longing. Things are clear yet unclear, but in an amazing way. The clarity is liberating, and the lack thereof is exhilarating.

The course of my life has taken an extremely unexpected turn in the past month, and for the first time in a long time, I'm smiling at the future. I'm so excited about watching things unfold, and watching God do with me whatever He wants.

I have a really hard time finding random things to discuss on my blog. Crazy, I know. (Especially if you know me.) I'm attempting to do just that with this post.

First…I'm moving to Virginia. I'm crazy excited. Yesterday while talking to Emily, I compared it to having a new "love"…I get giddy. Is that weird? Anyway, I'm moving up to Lynchburg and going to Liberty University. (I still can't believe it…if you only knew how anti-Liberty I was two months ago.) I'll be majoring in Women's Ministry, which is the source of most of my gid. Don't ask me what I'm going to do with that major, cause I don't have an answer. Hey, I just realized that today is exactly one month before I leave.

Moving on. Last night I was laying (lying?) awake in my bed thinking. I was thinking about hearts and love, and Song of Solomon, and relationships, and the Nooma "Flame". The bride in 'Song' urges women not to awaken love until it so desires. But how do you do that!? This frustrates me. How do you know when love desires to be aroused? Must it be very slow and gentle, starting with consciousness, then a gradual opening of the eyes as things slowly come into focus? Or is it startling, tense, heart-racing? Maybe it's both. I don't know…and I don't like that.

I was also thinking about a woman's love. When a woman gives her heart away, really gives her heart, it's almost impossible for her to take it back. That's probably why the Bride urged us to be cautious. But again, how do we know when it's ok to let our guard down?

Lord, help me.

Then I thought about the three different Hebrew words for love, especially ahava; love of the will (I think it's ahava, either that or raya).

And right before I finally gave up my seemingly futile thought process, I thought about how so many men abuse the heart of a woman. They have no idea what they're doing. (Women are selfish too, but I think the difference is that they DO know what they're doing! They know they're manipulating.) I know I'm not the origin of this phrase, but I love it, and I'm saying it now to all the men who ever take the time to read this thing: Don't ask for a woman's heart until you're willing to ask for her hand in marriage.

Conqueror?

I'm in the midst of the biggest battle yet.

And I feel so defeated.

So…out of control.

I'm more than a conqueror, right?

It says so in Romans 8:37 – "No, in all things we are more than conquerors…"

Here's the key, the rest, the part I must be forgetting – "…through Him who loved us."

For some reason I can't fully process that though. What is my problem? I realized today that the heartbreak I experienced, and the fear, doubt, lack of trust that resulted, are nothing compared to the heartbreak that Jesus felt on the cross. What would we do if he held that over us? What would we do if he responded to his heartbreak the way I've responded to mine?

Here's where the battle comes in…

What if my lack of trust is legitimate? Can I really trust my heart with him? (Not talking about the Lord here…)

Sometimes when I remove myself from this situation it seems so trivial, so ridiculous. Is this something that should be weighing me down as much as it is?

Ugh…I'm so sick of thinking!

Father, teach me to trust in YOU with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. Make my paths straight. Forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for not loving or forgiving like I should. Renew a steadfast spirit within me. Show me that I am more than I conqueror, not by my own strength, but solely through the perfect love of your perfect son, Jesus Christ.