10.24.2006

Wonderful News!

For the past month my family and I have awaited the results of a test, a test that contained information that could have changed our lives. A mass was found in my mom, and the doctor believed it may be cancer. But today we found out that it's nothing. I can't begin to express how that news felt to me. I can't begin to help someone understand (that hasn't experienced it) how something like that can plague you. It was more than just the knowledge that I may potentially lose my mom. It was knowing that she had to deal with that information too. There was nothing I could do to help. There's nothing any person can do to calm the thoughts and fears that rage within someone as they await the outcome of test after test. It broke my heart to be completely helpless in that situation.

There is One who does help though, a Comforter like no other. Phillippians 4:6-7 came to life for us: "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I can assure you that I've tasted of this peace, that my mom tasted of this peace. If the outcome would have been different, it wouldn't have changed the fact that God assured me of His sovereignty. I can not hold all things together, but the One who does has my life, and my mom's life, in His hands. There is no doubt in my mind that he holds everything perfectly there, no matter how imperfect it may be to my eyes.

10.23.2006

Passion and Purity

I went to the hospital today to figure out what's going on...and I still don't know. I'm on this medicine that's supposed to make me feel better, but the side effects are worse than what the medicine is supposed to be curing me of.

I took the book "Passion and Purity" with me to read while waiting, and when I got to the 'window' to get my prescription, the Pharmacy Tech (or whatever he was) proceeded to irritate me with his lame attempts at flirting. But that's beyond the point. He asked me what I was reading, I told him, and then he replied, "Doesn't sound like a book I'd be interested in," or something along those lines. I wanted to ask, "Which part, the passion or the purity?" but I'm pretty sure I know what the answer would've been.

Anyway, the whole thing lead to this thought: It's impossible to fully experience passion apart from purity. Purity is the essence of the One who created passion, therefore, passion without purity can never be what God intended it to be.

Always

Did You rise the sun for me?
Paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind
Is everything I know marked with my Maker's fingerprints?
Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You
Cause all You are is all I want, Always
Draw me close in Your arms,
oh God, I wanna be with You
Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You capture me again.
Let the earth resound with praise
Can you hear as all creation lives to glorify one name?
Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You.
Cause all You are is all i want, always
Draw me close in Your arms, oh God
I wanna be with You

-Hillsong United

10.15.2006

Still at Shore

This song is so haunting...and so perfectly written. I wish I could take credit for it.

when pain turns to years
it goes away
a memory far gone
so bittersweet
and sweet it is to taste recovering
the loss of my friend

but why haunts this hunger
to love her
my ship set its sail
a long time ago
my mind has said its farewell
and my lips have declared "it's time"
but my heart cannot say its goodbye

now it's only in my dreams
have i been there
her eyes so in love
her kiss so real
now if only i could stay
and dream a while
if a dream lasts a lifetime

but why haunts this hunger to love her
my ship set its sail
a long time ago
my mind has said its farewell
my lips have declared "it's time"
but my heart cannot say it's goodbye

my ship has set its sail
but still at shore
my heart cannot say its goodbye

-Shane and Shane

10.02.2006

Reflection

My outlook on relationships has been rather negative for a while. Specifically, that they're overrated. To an extent, I believed the same to be true about marriage. I had always hoped for my 'relationship' to be a reflection of Christ's love for the church.
This was my idea of what the reflection should look like: perfection. I'd never get my feelings hurt, or be disappointed, disrespected, underappreciated...Jesus's love doesn't produce those feelings.

So, when that 'relationship' failed miserably, and produced every one of the afforementioned feelings/emotions, I lost much of that hope. A recent conversation with a great friend (married friend) gave me the slap I deserved for being so selfish and closed-minded...so dumb! I'll paraphrase:

Marriage is so hard. It's unbelievably hard. But the blessings of marriage, the blessing OF marriage, is unbelievably amazing. You share a life with this human being that you love more than you yourself can even understand. They know everything about you; the deep, dark, hidden things, the nasty attitudes, the selfish desires, the gross habits...they see you at your absolute worst. They see you in a way no one else does, yet they love you more than they themselves can even understand, in spite of who you are.

Hmm...I do believe that this is the most accurate reflection of Christ's love for the church that could possibly exist. He loved us in spite of who we are, and gave everything to call us His own.