God recently shed light on some dirty stuff. not so much in my life, but in my soul. i was doing things i didn't understand. He's helping me understand now by shedding that light.
abandonment and rejection are two things i fear. these fears produce a lack of trust and faith, and a surplus of skepticism and wild imaginings.
"the one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 john 4:18c
"there is no fear in love."
1 john 4:18a
"perfect love casts out fear."
1 john 4:18b
i have not been giving myself over to be made perfect in love. i've been supressing these events and feelings that result in fear. it's ok to acknowledge them. this is what the Lord desires. i don't believe that He wants me to pretend like stuff didn't happen and cover it up with a smile. He wants to shed light on it and heal me.
isn't that what He promised? an abundant life?
yes!
"I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
john 10:10
now i must have faith in Him, and trust in His promises.
"For You light my lamp; the Lord my God illumines my darkness."
psalm 18:28
may He continue to illumine my darkness, and make me wholly His.
3.29.2007
3.28.2007
Mystery
i've been reading "velvet elvis" (rob bell). the latest chapter was called "tassels". one of the many things he writes about are the "mysteries" of our past that make us respond to certain things the way we do.
while reading i thought to myself, 'yea, i don't really have any.'
sike!
i have some pretty serious ones. i prayed that God would reveal them. He's faithful.
He's also my strength.
while reading i thought to myself, 'yea, i don't really have any.'
sike!
i have some pretty serious ones. i prayed that God would reveal them. He's faithful.
He's also my strength.
2.16.2007
V'Day
Valentine's day.
After lightly thinking about this "lovely" day, I decided to do some research. Apparently it's not a "Hallmark" holiday, but dates WAY back...before the printing press was even thought of, in around 498. It's obviously named after the St. Valentine, whose history is a mystery, wrapped in legends.
"One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.
Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.
According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure."
Anyway, there's a brief history from history.com.
I'm more concerned with the psychological effects of this bittersweet holiday. I've seen people walk around depressed all day because they don't have a 'sweetheart'. Why? February 14th is no different than February 13th or 15th.
So, I have a proposition. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!
Seriously though, you have a Lover like no other! Single or not, resolve to remember these "Valentine's" on every February 14th you experience from this point on:
Let's just go with Song of Songs, the whole thing. It is the greatest love story/song of all time.
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her back into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." - Hosea 3:14
"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." - Hosea 3:19-20
"For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts..." - Isaiah 54:5a
"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." - Psalm 45:11
After lightly thinking about this "lovely" day, I decided to do some research. Apparently it's not a "Hallmark" holiday, but dates WAY back...before the printing press was even thought of, in around 498. It's obviously named after the St. Valentine, whose history is a mystery, wrapped in legends.
"One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.
Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.
According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure."
Anyway, there's a brief history from history.com.
I'm more concerned with the psychological effects of this bittersweet holiday. I've seen people walk around depressed all day because they don't have a 'sweetheart'. Why? February 14th is no different than February 13th or 15th.
So, I have a proposition. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!
Seriously though, you have a Lover like no other! Single or not, resolve to remember these "Valentine's" on every February 14th you experience from this point on:
Let's just go with Song of Songs, the whole thing. It is the greatest love story/song of all time.
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her back into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." - Hosea 3:14
"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." - Hosea 3:19-20
"For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts..." - Isaiah 54:5a
"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." - Psalm 45:11
2.09.2007
Wise words from the lovely E. Elliot
When there is deep misunderstanding which has led to the erection of barriers between two who once were close, every day brings the strengthening of those barriers if they are not, by God's grace, breached. One prays and finds no way at all to break through. Love seems to "backfire" every time. Explanations become impossible. New accusations arise, it seems, from nowhere (though it is well to recall who is named the Accuser of the brethren). The situation becomes ever more complex and insoluble, and the mind goes round and round, seeking the place where things went wrong, brooding over the words which were like daggers, regretting the failure and mistakes, wondering (most painfully) how it could have been different. Much spiritual and emotional energy is drained in this way--but the Lord wants to teach us to commit, trust, and rest.
"Leave him to me this afternoon," is what his word is. "There is nothing else that I am asking of you this afternoon but that: leave him to Me. You cannot fathom all that is taking place. You don't need to. I am at work--in you, in him. Leave him to Me. Some day it will become clear--trust Me."
"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, and he will lift you up in due time. Cast all your cares on Him, for you [and the other] are his charge." - 1 Peter 5:7
"Leave him to me this afternoon," is what his word is. "There is nothing else that I am asking of you this afternoon but that: leave him to Me. You cannot fathom all that is taking place. You don't need to. I am at work--in you, in him. Leave him to Me. Some day it will become clear--trust Me."
"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, and he will lift you up in due time. Cast all your cares on Him, for you [and the other] are his charge." - 1 Peter 5:7
1.24.2007
I Got Nothin
I'm a little discouraged right now. What am I good at? This is so irritating. I don't have any standout talent. I don't excel at anything. Some people are amazing musicians, writers, athletes, dancers, artists...whatever. I'm not a single one of these. I don't desire to "stand out," but I want something to offer. I have nothing to offer!
I can type pretty fast. I've mastered that. But what the heck is typing good for?
I should probably stop complaining. The Lord has given me other things. Like compassion. I'm grateful for that. I really do love people. I love being friendly...and smiling...and laughing. He's given me the gift of laughing-at-everything. I laugh at myself alot. I laugh to myself alot. Aahh, that's a good note to end on.
I can type pretty fast. I've mastered that. But what the heck is typing good for?
I should probably stop complaining. The Lord has given me other things. Like compassion. I'm grateful for that. I really do love people. I love being friendly...and smiling...and laughing. He's given me the gift of laughing-at-everything. I laugh at myself alot. I laugh to myself alot. Aahh, that's a good note to end on.
1.16.2007
Passion07
The Passion Conference was nothing like what I expected. I'll have to admit, I wasn't as excited as others in my place would have been. I thought it would be just like camps. Everyone gets all sobby and repentant and "fired" up...knowing (well at least me knowing from experience) that more than half of those fires will reduce to faintly glowing embers before the year is over.
That's not what it was about at all. Louie talked about God's grace. Frances, the state of the church, and the individual's spiritual life. Beth, the Bible. The Pipe, he talked about how kids need to get over the fact they've failed sexually, wrap themselves in God's grace, and get back to what God has called you to do. Here's a quote from his message: "The tragedy is that Satan uses the guilt to strip you of your once radical dreams."
It was so...refreshing. It was a time for Christians to get together and worship. It was a bit of heaven on earth. The last night of worship, 23,000+ gathered in a field in downtown Atlanta to worship the Creator. I thought, "man, I could spend the rest of my life doing this."
Then God said, "How bout the rest of eternity?"
That's not what it was about at all. Louie talked about God's grace. Frances, the state of the church, and the individual's spiritual life. Beth, the Bible. The Pipe, he talked about how kids need to get over the fact they've failed sexually, wrap themselves in God's grace, and get back to what God has called you to do. Here's a quote from his message: "The tragedy is that Satan uses the guilt to strip you of your once radical dreams."
It was so...refreshing. It was a time for Christians to get together and worship. It was a bit of heaven on earth. The last night of worship, 23,000+ gathered in a field in downtown Atlanta to worship the Creator. I thought, "man, I could spend the rest of my life doing this."
Then God said, "How bout the rest of eternity?"
Journal
This is a journal entry from my hotel room in Atlanta during the Passion Conference.
Goodbye '06! Woo! '07 is starting out pretty amazing. I'm in the ATL, "hot-lanta," at Passion07. By the way, it's freezing here. The message last night was so refreshing. The speaker used an illustration that made me look at the cost of Jesus's sacrifice in a new way. He used a flower-and yea, I'll admit it, I totally got attached to that flower. At the end, he cut it in half, and I thought, "No, i can't believe you just did that. Why?"
I'm sure there were people staring in horror at Jesus on the cross, bleeding, unrecognizable, thinking the same exact thing. But we know why. I know. Because intimacy required a sacrifice. God's desire to be known by us transcends the brief but timeless moments of the cross.
The service ended with a song. These are the lyrics:
My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior, has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
Goodbye '06! Woo! '07 is starting out pretty amazing. I'm in the ATL, "hot-lanta," at Passion07. By the way, it's freezing here. The message last night was so refreshing. The speaker used an illustration that made me look at the cost of Jesus's sacrifice in a new way. He used a flower-and yea, I'll admit it, I totally got attached to that flower. At the end, he cut it in half, and I thought, "No, i can't believe you just did that. Why?"
I'm sure there were people staring in horror at Jesus on the cross, bleeding, unrecognizable, thinking the same exact thing. But we know why. I know. Because intimacy required a sacrifice. God's desire to be known by us transcends the brief but timeless moments of the cross.
The service ended with a song. These are the lyrics:
My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior, has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
12.22.2006
Madea-isms
*(Note: Madea is ghetto. Read it that way.)
~You can't change people son. I don't know what makes folks think they can change somebody. You can't change nobody, that is a waste of time…sittin around tryin to change somebody. Maya Angelou said it best. She said, "If someone shows you who they are, believe them."
~When you lie to people it makes people doubt everything you ever say from that point on or everything you ever said. All you gotta do is tell the truth.
~Get up and go on with your life. It's alright to sit around and be depressed for a minute. Cry about it, do whatever you have to, but don't stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life. This is what I learned in all my years on this earth: If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go. Especially if you know you done done everything you can do, you done sat around and been the best man or best woman you can be and they still wanna go, let em go. Whatever they runnin after they'll see what they had in a minute but then it's gonna be too late. Cause half these people you sittin around cryin about, in two or three years, you ain't even gonna remember they're last name. Let folks go.
~Some people come into your life for a lifetime, some come for a season. You got to know which is which. You're gonna always mess up when you mix them seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. We got people that got married with people they only supposed to be with for a season, and they wonder why they have so much hell in their life. That was a person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love, and now you wonder why don't got no peace anywhere you go.
~No, no…listen. I put everybody that come in my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they over there. They unstable. Blows the other way, they over here. Seasons change, they wither and die, they gone. That's alright. Most people in the world are like that. They just there to take from the tree. They there to take and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at em, that's who they are. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with them branches too cause they'll fool you. They'll get there and make you think they a good friend and real strong, but the minute you step out there on em, they'll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find you two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. They're the kind of people that ain't goin nowhere. They ain't worried about bein seen, don't nobody have to know that they know you, they ain't got to know what they doin for you. But if them roots wasn't there that tree couldn't live. You understand? When you get you some roots hold on to em. But the rest of it you let it go. Just let folks go.
~Ain't nobody said it was gonna be easy but it'll get easy when you learn how to love yourself. If you tell somebody that "what you doin is hurtin me and I need you to stop" and then they keep doin it, they don't care, move on, let em go. No matter how much it hurts, let em go. And it'll get easier I promise you. Every day it'll get easier and easier and easier. You just gotta make it through.
~You gotta learn how to be by yourself. People have to learn how to be alone. I don't understand people who go "I need somebody. Lord, where is my man, Lord where is my woman?" That is crazy... If you don't know how to be by yourself, what you gonna do with somebody else? Stop prayin about it. Shut up and wait. Go work on you. That's what that time is for, for you to go get yo'self together. You would be surprised at the things people put up with just to hear somebody say they love em. That's crazy. I don't understand it. I can't live in dysfunction, I'm sorry.
-Madea
"Madea Goes to Jail"
~You can't change people son. I don't know what makes folks think they can change somebody. You can't change nobody, that is a waste of time…sittin around tryin to change somebody. Maya Angelou said it best. She said, "If someone shows you who they are, believe them."
~When you lie to people it makes people doubt everything you ever say from that point on or everything you ever said. All you gotta do is tell the truth.
~Get up and go on with your life. It's alright to sit around and be depressed for a minute. Cry about it, do whatever you have to, but don't stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life. This is what I learned in all my years on this earth: If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go. Especially if you know you done done everything you can do, you done sat around and been the best man or best woman you can be and they still wanna go, let em go. Whatever they runnin after they'll see what they had in a minute but then it's gonna be too late. Cause half these people you sittin around cryin about, in two or three years, you ain't even gonna remember they're last name. Let folks go.
~Some people come into your life for a lifetime, some come for a season. You got to know which is which. You're gonna always mess up when you mix them seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. We got people that got married with people they only supposed to be with for a season, and they wonder why they have so much hell in their life. That was a person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love, and now you wonder why don't got no peace anywhere you go.
~No, no…listen. I put everybody that come in my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they over there. They unstable. Blows the other way, they over here. Seasons change, they wither and die, they gone. That's alright. Most people in the world are like that. They just there to take from the tree. They there to take and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at em, that's who they are. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with them branches too cause they'll fool you. They'll get there and make you think they a good friend and real strong, but the minute you step out there on em, they'll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find you two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. They're the kind of people that ain't goin nowhere. They ain't worried about bein seen, don't nobody have to know that they know you, they ain't got to know what they doin for you. But if them roots wasn't there that tree couldn't live. You understand? When you get you some roots hold on to em. But the rest of it you let it go. Just let folks go.
~Ain't nobody said it was gonna be easy but it'll get easy when you learn how to love yourself. If you tell somebody that "what you doin is hurtin me and I need you to stop" and then they keep doin it, they don't care, move on, let em go. No matter how much it hurts, let em go. And it'll get easier I promise you. Every day it'll get easier and easier and easier. You just gotta make it through.
~You gotta learn how to be by yourself. People have to learn how to be alone. I don't understand people who go "I need somebody. Lord, where is my man, Lord where is my woman?" That is crazy... If you don't know how to be by yourself, what you gonna do with somebody else? Stop prayin about it. Shut up and wait. Go work on you. That's what that time is for, for you to go get yo'self together. You would be surprised at the things people put up with just to hear somebody say they love em. That's crazy. I don't understand it. I can't live in dysfunction, I'm sorry.
-Madea
"Madea Goes to Jail"
12.17.2006
Brief Summary of '06
I want to try and sum up some key lessons of this year before it ends...
This year has been so unforgettable. What God has revealed to me in these very short 12 months will follow me for the rest of my life. More than anything He taught me how faithful He is. He showed me that I had put hope in someone other than Him...and that the person I placed so much trust in wasn't as faithful as I'd hoped he'd be. But God said, "I AM."
He showed me that His will will be done. Period. I can obey the first time...or I can learn the hard, painful way.
He pointed out to me that I put Him in a box, limited His power (in my mind), and put Him on a schedule.
He rebuked that.
He reminded me that He sent His son so that we don't have to live broken lives...He came to heal and restore.
He recalled the accounts of healing that are recorded in His word, and reminded me that without FAITH I won't be healed.
He blessed me with incredible friends...a "sisterhood".
He poured His love on me, and promised me that He will eternally do so.
This year has been so unforgettable. What God has revealed to me in these very short 12 months will follow me for the rest of my life. More than anything He taught me how faithful He is. He showed me that I had put hope in someone other than Him...and that the person I placed so much trust in wasn't as faithful as I'd hoped he'd be. But God said, "I AM."
He showed me that His will will be done. Period. I can obey the first time...or I can learn the hard, painful way.
He pointed out to me that I put Him in a box, limited His power (in my mind), and put Him on a schedule.
He rebuked that.
He reminded me that He sent His son so that we don't have to live broken lives...He came to heal and restore.
He recalled the accounts of healing that are recorded in His word, and reminded me that without FAITH I won't be healed.
He blessed me with incredible friends...a "sisterhood".
He poured His love on me, and promised me that He will eternally do so.
12.13.2006
21
I just spent 3 hours studying for my Macro final...well, technically, if you calculate all the ADD moments, i probably spent no more than 2 and a half hours. but, i'm just really over macro.
so, tomorrow's my birthday. andrew dubbed today my "birthday eve". cute. wait...let me start with Monday. i had a surprise party! yaaaaay! and i was really surprised...shockingly so...especially since Kati kinda told me that it was going to happen.
anyway...i am so excited about not being 20 anymore. 20 is definitely not for me. this was an extremely challenging year. i know it's almost over, but i think God will constantly use the events of this year to teach me, and to remind me of how faithful and personal He is. oh, and how no matter what, His will is going to be done...and if I don't obey the first, second, third...maybe even fifth time...it's gonna happen...and it's gonna be a whole lot harder and hurt a whole lot worse. i'm so glad He loves me enough, and has the patience to show me that.
let's see...what else shall i say...
Praise the Lord for the end of one more semester! 5 down, 5 to go...
so, tomorrow's my birthday. andrew dubbed today my "birthday eve". cute. wait...let me start with Monday. i had a surprise party! yaaaaay! and i was really surprised...shockingly so...especially since Kati kinda told me that it was going to happen.
anyway...i am so excited about not being 20 anymore. 20 is definitely not for me. this was an extremely challenging year. i know it's almost over, but i think God will constantly use the events of this year to teach me, and to remind me of how faithful and personal He is. oh, and how no matter what, His will is going to be done...and if I don't obey the first, second, third...maybe even fifth time...it's gonna happen...and it's gonna be a whole lot harder and hurt a whole lot worse. i'm so glad He loves me enough, and has the patience to show me that.
let's see...what else shall i say...
Praise the Lord for the end of one more semester! 5 down, 5 to go...
11.15.2006
"I am a Christian"
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.
-Maya Angelou
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.
-Maya Angelou
11.13.2006
The "not-so-lovely" UNF
I was just reading over my past posts and got to the one about me realizing I needed to stay in Jacksonville. I'm so glad I wrote that...so that tonight, when I looked back at it, (like God knew was going to happen) I would realize, once again, how faithful and sovereign and amazing He is. I am having the time of my life. At UNF. I know, I know, it just doesn't make sense...but it's true. I've got the wonderful single Christian women-friends that I've been praying for for over a year, and the awesome fellowship with people who are in love with Jesus. So, this will be my post of praise to God for blessing me so unexpectedly with this place, and for loving me enough to tell me that He had something better in store, for reminding me that I, like always, don't know what I want/need...but He does.
Embracing Accusation
father of lies
coming to steal kill and destroy
all my hopes of being good enough
i hear him saying
"cursed are the ones who can't abide"
he's right
hallelujah, he's right
the devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
that i am cursed and gone astray
i cannot gain salvation
embracing accusation
could the father of lies
be telling the truth of God to me tonight
that if the penalty of death is sin
then death is mine
the devil's singing over me
an age old song
that i am cursed and gone astray
singing the first verse so conveniently over me
he's forgotten the refrain
JESUS SAVES
-Shane and Shane
"For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, 'Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them'."
-Galatians 3: 10
"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: 'Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree'."
-Galatians 3:13
coming to steal kill and destroy
all my hopes of being good enough
i hear him saying
"cursed are the ones who can't abide"
he's right
hallelujah, he's right
the devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
that i am cursed and gone astray
i cannot gain salvation
embracing accusation
could the father of lies
be telling the truth of God to me tonight
that if the penalty of death is sin
then death is mine
the devil's singing over me
an age old song
that i am cursed and gone astray
singing the first verse so conveniently over me
he's forgotten the refrain
JESUS SAVES
-Shane and Shane
"For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, 'Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them'."
-Galatians 3: 10
"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: 'Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree'."
-Galatians 3:13
11.11.2006
Ransomed Heart
Life is a Story. This is true for every soul.
It is a love story, we assure you. But it is set in the midst of a life and death battle. That is why it seems so hard.
The story of your life is the story of the journey of your heart through a dangerous and beautiful world. It is the story of the long and sustained assault on your heart by the Enemy who knows who you could be and fears you. But it is also the story of the long and mysterious pursuit of your heart by the God who knows you truly and loves you deeply.
-www.ransomedheart.com
It is a love story, we assure you. But it is set in the midst of a life and death battle. That is why it seems so hard.
The story of your life is the story of the journey of your heart through a dangerous and beautiful world. It is the story of the long and sustained assault on your heart by the Enemy who knows who you could be and fears you. But it is also the story of the long and mysterious pursuit of your heart by the God who knows you truly and loves you deeply.
-www.ransomedheart.com
10.24.2006
Wonderful News!
For the past month my family and I have awaited the results of a test, a test that contained information that could have changed our lives. A mass was found in my mom, and the doctor believed it may be cancer. But today we found out that it's nothing. I can't begin to express how that news felt to me. I can't begin to help someone understand (that hasn't experienced it) how something like that can plague you. It was more than just the knowledge that I may potentially lose my mom. It was knowing that she had to deal with that information too. There was nothing I could do to help. There's nothing any person can do to calm the thoughts and fears that rage within someone as they await the outcome of test after test. It broke my heart to be completely helpless in that situation.
There is One who does help though, a Comforter like no other. Phillippians 4:6-7 came to life for us: "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I can assure you that I've tasted of this peace, that my mom tasted of this peace. If the outcome would have been different, it wouldn't have changed the fact that God assured me of His sovereignty. I can not hold all things together, but the One who does has my life, and my mom's life, in His hands. There is no doubt in my mind that he holds everything perfectly there, no matter how imperfect it may be to my eyes.
There is One who does help though, a Comforter like no other. Phillippians 4:6-7 came to life for us: "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I can assure you that I've tasted of this peace, that my mom tasted of this peace. If the outcome would have been different, it wouldn't have changed the fact that God assured me of His sovereignty. I can not hold all things together, but the One who does has my life, and my mom's life, in His hands. There is no doubt in my mind that he holds everything perfectly there, no matter how imperfect it may be to my eyes.
10.23.2006
Passion and Purity
I went to the hospital today to figure out what's going on...and I still don't know. I'm on this medicine that's supposed to make me feel better, but the side effects are worse than what the medicine is supposed to be curing me of.
I took the book "Passion and Purity" with me to read while waiting, and when I got to the 'window' to get my prescription, the Pharmacy Tech (or whatever he was) proceeded to irritate me with his lame attempts at flirting. But that's beyond the point. He asked me what I was reading, I told him, and then he replied, "Doesn't sound like a book I'd be interested in," or something along those lines. I wanted to ask, "Which part, the passion or the purity?" but I'm pretty sure I know what the answer would've been.
Anyway, the whole thing lead to this thought: It's impossible to fully experience passion apart from purity. Purity is the essence of the One who created passion, therefore, passion without purity can never be what God intended it to be.
I took the book "Passion and Purity" with me to read while waiting, and when I got to the 'window' to get my prescription, the Pharmacy Tech (or whatever he was) proceeded to irritate me with his lame attempts at flirting. But that's beyond the point. He asked me what I was reading, I told him, and then he replied, "Doesn't sound like a book I'd be interested in," or something along those lines. I wanted to ask, "Which part, the passion or the purity?" but I'm pretty sure I know what the answer would've been.
Anyway, the whole thing lead to this thought: It's impossible to fully experience passion apart from purity. Purity is the essence of the One who created passion, therefore, passion without purity can never be what God intended it to be.
Always
Did You rise the sun for me?
Paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind
Is everything I know marked with my Maker's fingerprints?
Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You
Cause all You are is all I want, Always
Draw me close in Your arms,
oh God, I wanna be with You
Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You capture me again.
Let the earth resound with praise
Can you hear as all creation lives to glorify one name?
Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You.
Cause all You are is all i want, always
Draw me close in Your arms, oh God
I wanna be with You
-Hillsong United
Paint a million stars that I might know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind
Is everything I know marked with my Maker's fingerprints?
Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You
Cause all You are is all I want, Always
Draw me close in Your arms,
oh God, I wanna be with You
Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You capture me again.
Let the earth resound with praise
Can you hear as all creation lives to glorify one name?
Breathe on me, let me see Your face
Forever I will seek You.
Cause all You are is all i want, always
Draw me close in Your arms, oh God
I wanna be with You
-Hillsong United
10.15.2006
Still at Shore
This song is so haunting...and so perfectly written. I wish I could take credit for it.
when pain turns to years
it goes away
a memory far gone
so bittersweet
and sweet it is to taste recovering
the loss of my friend
but why haunts this hunger
to love her
my ship set its sail
a long time ago
my mind has said its farewell
and my lips have declared "it's time"
but my heart cannot say its goodbye
now it's only in my dreams
have i been there
her eyes so in love
her kiss so real
now if only i could stay
and dream a while
if a dream lasts a lifetime
but why haunts this hunger to love her
my ship set its sail
a long time ago
my mind has said its farewell
my lips have declared "it's time"
but my heart cannot say it's goodbye
my ship has set its sail
but still at shore
my heart cannot say its goodbye
-Shane and Shane
when pain turns to years
it goes away
a memory far gone
so bittersweet
and sweet it is to taste recovering
the loss of my friend
but why haunts this hunger
to love her
my ship set its sail
a long time ago
my mind has said its farewell
and my lips have declared "it's time"
but my heart cannot say its goodbye
now it's only in my dreams
have i been there
her eyes so in love
her kiss so real
now if only i could stay
and dream a while
if a dream lasts a lifetime
but why haunts this hunger to love her
my ship set its sail
a long time ago
my mind has said its farewell
my lips have declared "it's time"
but my heart cannot say it's goodbye
my ship has set its sail
but still at shore
my heart cannot say its goodbye
-Shane and Shane
10.02.2006
Reflection
My outlook on relationships has been rather negative for a while. Specifically, that they're overrated. To an extent, I believed the same to be true about marriage. I had always hoped for my 'relationship' to be a reflection of Christ's love for the church.
This was my idea of what the reflection should look like: perfection. I'd never get my feelings hurt, or be disappointed, disrespected, underappreciated...Jesus's love doesn't produce those feelings.
So, when that 'relationship' failed miserably, and produced every one of the afforementioned feelings/emotions, I lost much of that hope. A recent conversation with a great friend (married friend) gave me the slap I deserved for being so selfish and closed-minded...so dumb! I'll paraphrase:
Marriage is so hard. It's unbelievably hard. But the blessings of marriage, the blessing OF marriage, is unbelievably amazing. You share a life with this human being that you love more than you yourself can even understand. They know everything about you; the deep, dark, hidden things, the nasty attitudes, the selfish desires, the gross habits...they see you at your absolute worst. They see you in a way no one else does, yet they love you more than they themselves can even understand, in spite of who you are.
Hmm...I do believe that this is the most accurate reflection of Christ's love for the church that could possibly exist. He loved us in spite of who we are, and gave everything to call us His own.
This was my idea of what the reflection should look like: perfection. I'd never get my feelings hurt, or be disappointed, disrespected, underappreciated...Jesus's love doesn't produce those feelings.
So, when that 'relationship' failed miserably, and produced every one of the afforementioned feelings/emotions, I lost much of that hope. A recent conversation with a great friend (married friend) gave me the slap I deserved for being so selfish and closed-minded...so dumb! I'll paraphrase:
Marriage is so hard. It's unbelievably hard. But the blessings of marriage, the blessing OF marriage, is unbelievably amazing. You share a life with this human being that you love more than you yourself can even understand. They know everything about you; the deep, dark, hidden things, the nasty attitudes, the selfish desires, the gross habits...they see you at your absolute worst. They see you in a way no one else does, yet they love you more than they themselves can even understand, in spite of who you are.
Hmm...I do believe that this is the most accurate reflection of Christ's love for the church that could possibly exist. He loved us in spite of who we are, and gave everything to call us His own.
9.29.2006
Free
I knew that once classes started I'd never have time to post things.
God has been showing me some awesome things lately. (Some heartbreaking, but the fact that God shows me things is just awesome in itself.) I've been reading Hebrews. I'm going to write down some things from my QT journal...so, the thought process throughout all of it may be quite random.
We have a High Priest, and not just a man who's a sinner just like the rest of us. Our High Priest sits right next to the Majety of heaven, He serves in the true tabernacle, not the one that's just a shadow of it here on earth. Like earthly priests, it's necessary for Him to bring an offering-so He brought Himself...for us. The sacrifices offered by the high priest were just external regulations, and only cleansed externally, only made one outwardly clean. Jesus-beautiful, sweet Jesus-brought His blood in the Most Holy Place-a once and for all offering-perfect, righteous, sufficient, redemptive. He brought the Blood that goes so far beyond the "external" filth than we can see-His blood cleanses our consciences, cleanses my conscience, from all of the stupid mistakes I've made-the deliberate sin and filthiness of my life. His blood sets me free-free to serve and worship the One who created all things.
God has been showing me some awesome things lately. (Some heartbreaking, but the fact that God shows me things is just awesome in itself.) I've been reading Hebrews. I'm going to write down some things from my QT journal...so, the thought process throughout all of it may be quite random.
We have a High Priest, and not just a man who's a sinner just like the rest of us. Our High Priest sits right next to the Majety of heaven, He serves in the true tabernacle, not the one that's just a shadow of it here on earth. Like earthly priests, it's necessary for Him to bring an offering-so He brought Himself...for us. The sacrifices offered by the high priest were just external regulations, and only cleansed externally, only made one outwardly clean. Jesus-beautiful, sweet Jesus-brought His blood in the Most Holy Place-a once and for all offering-perfect, righteous, sufficient, redemptive. He brought the Blood that goes so far beyond the "external" filth than we can see-His blood cleanses our consciences, cleanses my conscience, from all of the stupid mistakes I've made-the deliberate sin and filthiness of my life. His blood sets me free-free to serve and worship the One who created all things.
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