Psalm 19:14

It's really hard to come back to a quiet office after working on houses with a bunch of crazy middle schoolers for a week. It makes me miss it, and them, even more.

Psalm 19:14 says this: "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." The Spirit recalled this verse to my memory countless times while working on the houses, especially when my mind started to wander. (Which is almost always!) I realized how often the meditations of my heart are not pleasing in His sight. They're so counterproductive. They're so pointless and silly and just a waste of time. They distract me from the Lord's voice and from His leading, and they kept me from seeing clearly for two years. Two. Years. That is ridiculous.

But finally, during a week when I thought God would be using me to change someone else's world, He used eight 14, 15, and 16 year olds, and one 21 year old to change mine. He moved in my heart and I feel so…weightless. My heart is no longer bound to lies and selfish, ignorant longing. Things are clear yet unclear, but in an amazing way. The clarity is liberating, and the lack thereof is exhilarating.

The course of my life has taken an extremely unexpected turn in the past month, and for the first time in a long time, I'm smiling at the future. I'm so excited about watching things unfold, and watching God do with me whatever He wants.

I have a really hard time finding random things to discuss on my blog. Crazy, I know. (Especially if you know me.) I'm attempting to do just that with this post.

First…I'm moving to Virginia. I'm crazy excited. Yesterday while talking to Emily, I compared it to having a new "love"…I get giddy. Is that weird? Anyway, I'm moving up to Lynchburg and going to Liberty University. (I still can't believe it…if you only knew how anti-Liberty I was two months ago.) I'll be majoring in Women's Ministry, which is the source of most of my gid. Don't ask me what I'm going to do with that major, cause I don't have an answer. Hey, I just realized that today is exactly one month before I leave.

Moving on. Last night I was laying (lying?) awake in my bed thinking. I was thinking about hearts and love, and Song of Solomon, and relationships, and the Nooma "Flame". The bride in 'Song' urges women not to awaken love until it so desires. But how do you do that!? This frustrates me. How do you know when love desires to be aroused? Must it be very slow and gentle, starting with consciousness, then a gradual opening of the eyes as things slowly come into focus? Or is it startling, tense, heart-racing? Maybe it's both. I don't know…and I don't like that.

I was also thinking about a woman's love. When a woman gives her heart away, really gives her heart, it's almost impossible for her to take it back. That's probably why the Bride urged us to be cautious. But again, how do we know when it's ok to let our guard down?

Lord, help me.

Then I thought about the three different Hebrew words for love, especially ahava; love of the will (I think it's ahava, either that or raya).

And right before I finally gave up my seemingly futile thought process, I thought about how so many men abuse the heart of a woman. They have no idea what they're doing. (Women are selfish too, but I think the difference is that they DO know what they're doing! They know they're manipulating.) I know I'm not the origin of this phrase, but I love it, and I'm saying it now to all the men who ever take the time to read this thing: Don't ask for a woman's heart until you're willing to ask for her hand in marriage.

Conqueror?

I'm in the midst of the biggest battle yet.

And I feel so defeated.

So…out of control.

I'm more than a conqueror, right?

It says so in Romans 8:37 – "No, in all things we are more than conquerors…"

Here's the key, the rest, the part I must be forgetting – "…through Him who loved us."

For some reason I can't fully process that though. What is my problem? I realized today that the heartbreak I experienced, and the fear, doubt, lack of trust that resulted, are nothing compared to the heartbreak that Jesus felt on the cross. What would we do if he held that over us? What would we do if he responded to his heartbreak the way I've responded to mine?

Here's where the battle comes in…

What if my lack of trust is legitimate? Can I really trust my heart with him? (Not talking about the Lord here…)

Sometimes when I remove myself from this situation it seems so trivial, so ridiculous. Is this something that should be weighing me down as much as it is?

Ugh…I'm so sick of thinking!

Father, teach me to trust in YOU with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. Make my paths straight. Forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for not loving or forgiving like I should. Renew a steadfast spirit within me. Show me that I am more than I conqueror, not by my own strength, but solely through the perfect love of your perfect son, Jesus Christ.

Just Don't Seem to Mend

Today is a significant day. Every time I write '6/4/07' on the little pink message pads at work, bittersweet memories resurface...especially the hard-to-supress bitter ones. I hate it. Not necessarily the event, but the fact that I can't forget it.
I actually tried to tell myself yesterday that my heart wasn't really broken. That made me laugh.

Why is it taking me so long to get completely over this? Maybe it stems from the "lessons" taught in my history classes. "Those who fail to remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Maybe, in some twisted way, I believe that if I hold on to it it won't hurt as much if it happens again. (Key word: if.) But what really happens is that I become paranoid and untrusting. Here's my version: "Those who fail to let go of the past are condemned to become psycho".

This fear is like a plague. It keeps resurfacing. That's when I take different approaches, like the other day, trying to convince myself that my heart wasn't really broken. The problem is that the problem isn't mine to fix, and I forget that all too often.

How does true restoration take place? I know the ultimate answer...the 'end'...but what are the 'means'?

Still Small Voice

I'm a huge Smallville fan. Huge. My cousin Jon, my aunt Susy and I are currently on a "Smallville Marathon," (and have been for two months) watching every episode from every season. We've made it to Season 3, with only two more episodes to go!

For those who don't know, Smallville is the story of Superman before he was Superman. Throughout the show, he develops new powers and such. A couple of nights ago, we were watching an episode where Clark becomes blind, but while he's blind his hearing becomes incredibly sensitive. In an attempt to help Clark hone in on his hearing abilities, Jonathan Kent turns on all the machines in the barn, walks to the other side of the barn, and whispers, "Clark, listen for my voice. Focus. Clark, focus." A smile breaks across Clark's face as he hears his dad's faint voice among the racket going on around him.

I smiled too, at the symbolism of this scene in correlation to my Father.

My mind is constantly racing. It honestly never stops…especially when it comes to thoughts of the future, the things I can't see. But all the while, God, in his still, small voice, is reminding me to focus on Him. His voice really can and does rise above doubts, fears, turmoil, insecurity…if, IF, I listen for it. If I focus.

Is it audible? Not distinctively. But it's certainly available…in thousands upon thousands of verses in a Book that I have 4 copies of. Or even in ordinary moments, watching Smallville, as my thoughts are turned to Him and His incredible, incomprehensible intimacy.

Two (Make that 3) Funny Stories:

Nina and I were walking up to our room after breakfast in the hotel lobby, when I heard this smack/thud. I turned around to find that Nina was no longer walking behind me...she was laying on the ground. Now, this wouldn't have been overly funny in any normal case. What made it funny was Nina's scream. She didn't scream as she was going down. She didn't even scream as she hit the floor. She waited until she had been laying on the floor a second, and all eyes were on her. And then she got up and walked off like nothing had happened. It was quite strange. Funny, but strange.

Second story...I was on the phone with Kati this afternoon on my way to class. She proceeded to tell me about this crazy message left on Corey's phone by some crazy lady, who claimed to be guided by the Holy Spirit, then about how the lady may have been lead by a spirit, but it wasn't a holy one. Then she says "and get this, right after, a bird HIT our window...and died. It smacked the window, bounced off, and died." I think the combination of the randomness of the event, and the image of a bird bouncing off a window caught me off guard. I still find it hilarious.

6.4.07: I have an addition to this bird story. When I was in Lynchburg, Jordan and I were driving down the road, and I shared the bird story with him. He thought it was as funny as I did. Fast forward a couple of days: I'm in a quiet clothing store, waiting to go into a dressing room, and my phone rings. It's Jordan. The conversation went something like this:
Jordan: "Hey" (A very sad hey, might I add.)
Me: "Hey" (More like a question than a statement.)
Jordan: "I just hit a bird."
Me: giggling "What?"
Jordan: "I just got on to I-4, and you know how there are those trees in the middle?"
Me: "Yea"
Jordan: "Well, a bird just flew out and smacked into my window."
Me: "On the driver's side?"
Jordan: "Yea."
Me: "I'm sorry love." (With a hint of laughter.)
Jordan: "It's guts came out. They're yellow."
Me: "Ew! Are they still there?" (Laughing out loud at this point.)
Jordan: "Yea..."

Fortunately I'm not the only heartless one...I told both stories to Nikki. She laughed as hard as I did.

More on Mystery

God recently shed light on some dirty stuff. not so much in my life, but in my soul. i was doing things i didn't understand. He's helping me understand now by shedding that light.

abandonment and rejection are two things i fear. these fears produce a lack of trust and faith, and a surplus of skepticism and wild imaginings.

"the one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 john 4:18c

"there is no fear in love."
1 john 4:18a

"perfect love casts out fear."
1 john 4:18b

i have not been giving myself over to be made perfect in love. i've been supressing these events and feelings that result in fear. it's ok to acknowledge them. this is what the Lord desires. i don't believe that He wants me to pretend like stuff didn't happen and cover it up with a smile. He wants to shed light on it and heal me.

isn't that what He promised? an abundant life?

yes!

"I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
john 10:10

now i must have faith in Him, and trust in His promises.

"For You light my lamp; the Lord my God illumines my darkness."
psalm 18:28

may He continue to illumine my darkness, and make me wholly His.

Mystery

i've been reading "velvet elvis" (rob bell). the latest chapter was called "tassels". one of the many things he writes about are the "mysteries" of our past that make us respond to certain things the way we do.

while reading i thought to myself, 'yea, i don't really have any.'

sike!

i have some pretty serious ones. i prayed that God would reveal them. He's faithful.

He's also my strength.

V'Day

Valentine's day.

After lightly thinking about this "lovely" day, I decided to do some research. Apparently it's not a "Hallmark" holiday, but dates WAY back...before the printing press was even thought of, in around 498. It's obviously named after the St. Valentine, whose history is a mystery, wrapped in legends.

"One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

Other stories suggest that Valentine may have been killed for attempting to help Christians escape harsh Roman prisons where they were often beaten and tortured.

According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first 'valentine' greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl -- who may have been his jailor's daughter -- who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed 'From your Valentine,' an expression that is still in use today. Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure."

Anyway, there's a brief history from history.com.

I'm more concerned with the psychological effects of this bittersweet holiday. I've seen people walk around depressed all day because they don't have a 'sweetheart'. Why? February 14th is no different than February 13th or 15th.

So, I have a proposition. Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

Seriously though, you have a Lover like no other! Single or not, resolve to remember these "Valentine's" on every February 14th you experience from this point on:

Let's just go with Song of Songs, the whole thing. It is the greatest love story/song of all time.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her back into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her." - Hosea 3:14

"And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." - Hosea 3:19-20

"For your husband is your Maker, whose name is the Lord of hosts..." - Isaiah 54:5a

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." - Psalm 45:11

Wise words from the lovely E. Elliot

When there is deep misunderstanding which has led to the erection of barriers between two who once were close, every day brings the strengthening of those barriers if they are not, by God's grace, breached. One prays and finds no way at all to break through. Love seems to "backfire" every time. Explanations become impossible. New accusations arise, it seems, from nowhere (though it is well to recall who is named the Accuser of the brethren). The situation becomes ever more complex and insoluble, and the mind goes round and round, seeking the place where things went wrong, brooding over the words which were like daggers, regretting the failure and mistakes, wondering (most painfully) how it could have been different. Much spiritual and emotional energy is drained in this way--but the Lord wants to teach us to commit, trust, and rest.

"Leave him to me this afternoon," is what his word is. "There is nothing else that I am asking of you this afternoon but that: leave him to Me. You cannot fathom all that is taking place. You don't need to. I am at work--in you, in him. Leave him to Me. Some day it will become clear--trust Me."

"Humble yourselves under God's mighty hand, and he will lift you up in due time. Cast all your cares on Him, for you [and the other] are his charge." - 1 Peter 5:7

I Got Nothin

I'm a little discouraged right now. What am I good at? This is so irritating. I don't have any standout talent. I don't excel at anything. Some people are amazing musicians, writers, athletes, dancers, artists...whatever. I'm not a single one of these. I don't desire to "stand out," but I want something to offer. I have nothing to offer!

I can type pretty fast. I've mastered that. But what the heck is typing good for?

I should probably stop complaining. The Lord has given me other things. Like compassion. I'm grateful for that. I really do love people. I love being friendly...and smiling...and laughing. He's given me the gift of laughing-at-everything. I laugh at myself alot. I laugh to myself alot. Aahh, that's a good note to end on.

Passion07

The Passion Conference was nothing like what I expected. I'll have to admit, I wasn't as excited as others in my place would have been. I thought it would be just like camps. Everyone gets all sobby and repentant and "fired" up...knowing (well at least me knowing from experience) that more than half of those fires will reduce to faintly glowing embers before the year is over.

That's not what it was about at all. Louie talked about God's grace. Frances, the state of the church, and the individual's spiritual life. Beth, the Bible. The Pipe, he talked about how kids need to get over the fact they've failed sexually, wrap themselves in God's grace, and get back to what God has called you to do. Here's a quote from his message: "The tragedy is that Satan uses the guilt to strip you of your once radical dreams."

It was so...refreshing. It was a time for Christians to get together and worship. It was a bit of heaven on earth. The last night of worship, 23,000+ gathered in a field in downtown Atlanta to worship the Creator. I thought, "man, I could spend the rest of my life doing this."

Then God said, "How bout the rest of eternity?"

Journal

This is a journal entry from my hotel room in Atlanta during the Passion Conference.

Goodbye '06! Woo! '07 is starting out pretty amazing. I'm in the ATL, "hot-lanta," at Passion07. By the way, it's freezing here. The message last night was so refreshing. The speaker used an illustration that made me look at the cost of Jesus's sacrifice in a new way. He used a flower-and yea, I'll admit it, I totally got attached to that flower. At the end, he cut it in half, and I thought, "No, i can't believe you just did that. Why?"

I'm sure there were people staring in horror at Jesus on the cross, bleeding, unrecognizable, thinking the same exact thing. But we know why. I know. Because intimacy required a sacrifice. God's desire to be known by us transcends the brief but timeless moments of the cross.

The service ended with a song. These are the lyrics:

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior, has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

Madea-isms

*(Note: Madea is ghetto. Read it that way.)

~You can't change people son. I don't know what makes folks think they can change somebody. You can't change nobody, that is a waste of time…sittin around tryin to change somebody. Maya Angelou said it best. She said, "If someone shows you who they are, believe them."

~When you lie to people it makes people doubt everything you ever say from that point on or everything you ever said. All you gotta do is tell the truth.

~Get up and go on with your life. It's alright to sit around and be depressed for a minute. Cry about it, do whatever you have to, but don't stay there too long. Get up and go on with your life. This is what I learned in all my years on this earth: If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let them go. Especially if you know you done done everything you can do, you done sat around and been the best man or best woman you can be and they still wanna go, let em go. Whatever they runnin after they'll see what they had in a minute but then it's gonna be too late. Cause half these people you sittin around cryin about, in two or three years, you ain't even gonna remember they're last name. Let folks go.

~Some people come into your life for a lifetime, some come for a season. You got to know which is which. You're gonna always mess up when you mix them seasonal people up with lifetime expectations. We got people that got married with people they only supposed to be with for a season, and they wonder why they have so much hell in their life. That was a person that was supposed to come and teach you one thing. You didn't know it so you just fell in love, and now you wonder why don't got no peace anywhere you go.

~No, no…listen. I put everybody that come in my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they over there. They unstable. Blows the other way, they over here. Seasons change, they wither and die, they gone. That's alright. Most people in the world are like that. They just there to take from the tree. They there to take and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at em, that's who they are. Some people are like a branch on that tree. You gotta be careful with them branches too cause they'll fool you. They'll get there and make you think they a good friend and real strong, but the minute you step out there on em, they'll break and leave you high and dry. But if you find you two or three people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. They're the kind of people that ain't goin nowhere. They ain't worried about bein seen, don't nobody have to know that they know you, they ain't got to know what they doin for you. But if them roots wasn't there that tree couldn't live. You understand? When you get you some roots hold on to em. But the rest of it you let it go. Just let folks go.

~Ain't nobody said it was gonna be easy but it'll get easy when you learn how to love yourself. If you tell somebody that "what you doin is hurtin me and I need you to stop" and then they keep doin it, they don't care, move on, let em go. No matter how much it hurts, let em go. And it'll get easier I promise you. Every day it'll get easier and easier and easier. You just gotta make it through.

~You gotta learn how to be by yourself. People have to learn how to be alone. I don't understand people who go "I need somebody. Lord, where is my man, Lord where is my woman?" That is crazy... If you don't know how to be by yourself, what you gonna do with somebody else? Stop prayin about it. Shut up and wait. Go work on you. That's what that time is for, for you to go get yo'self together. You would be surprised at the things people put up with just to hear somebody say they love em. That's crazy. I don't understand it. I can't live in dysfunction, I'm sorry.

-Madea
"Madea Goes to Jail"

Brief Summary of '06

I want to try and sum up some key lessons of this year before it ends...

This year has been so unforgettable. What God has revealed to me in these very short 12 months will follow me for the rest of my life. More than anything He taught me how faithful He is. He showed me that I had put hope in someone other than Him...and that the person I placed so much trust in wasn't as faithful as I'd hoped he'd be. But God said, "I AM."

He showed me that His will will be done. Period. I can obey the first time...or I can learn the hard, painful way.

He pointed out to me that I put Him in a box, limited His power (in my mind), and put Him on a schedule.

He rebuked that.

He reminded me that He sent His son so that we don't have to live broken lives...He came to heal and restore.

He recalled the accounts of healing that are recorded in His word, and reminded me that without FAITH I won't be healed.

He blessed me with incredible friends...a "sisterhood".

He poured His love on me, and promised me that He will eternally do so.

21

I just spent 3 hours studying for my Macro final...well, technically, if you calculate all the ADD moments, i probably spent no more than 2 and a half hours. but, i'm just really over macro.

so, tomorrow's my birthday. andrew dubbed today my "birthday eve". cute. wait...let me start with Monday. i had a surprise party! yaaaaay! and i was really surprised...shockingly so...especially since Kati kinda told me that it was going to happen.

anyway...i am so excited about not being 20 anymore. 20 is definitely not for me. this was an extremely challenging year. i know it's almost over, but i think God will constantly use the events of this year to teach me, and to remind me of how faithful and personal He is. oh, and how no matter what, His will is going to be done...and if I don't obey the first, second, third...maybe even fifth time...it's gonna happen...and it's gonna be a whole lot harder and hurt a whole lot worse. i'm so glad He loves me enough, and has the patience to show me that.

let's see...what else shall i say...

Praise the Lord for the end of one more semester! 5 down, 5 to go...

"I am a Christian"

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.

-Maya Angelou

The "not-so-lovely" UNF

I was just reading over my past posts and got to the one about me realizing I needed to stay in Jacksonville. I'm so glad I wrote that...so that tonight, when I looked back at it, (like God knew was going to happen) I would realize, once again, how faithful and sovereign and amazing He is. I am having the time of my life. At UNF. I know, I know, it just doesn't make sense...but it's true. I've got the wonderful single Christian women-friends that I've been praying for for over a year, and the awesome fellowship with people who are in love with Jesus. So, this will be my post of praise to God for blessing me so unexpectedly with this place, and for loving me enough to tell me that He had something better in store, for reminding me that I, like always, don't know what I want/need...but He does.

Embracing Accusation

father of lies
coming to steal kill and destroy
all my hopes of being good enough

i hear him saying
"cursed are the ones who can't abide"
he's right
hallelujah, he's right

the devil is preaching the song of the redeemed
that i am cursed and gone astray
i cannot gain salvation

embracing accusation

could the father of lies
be telling the truth of God to me tonight
that if the penalty of death is sin
then death is mine

the devil's singing over me
an age old song
that i am cursed and gone astray
singing the first verse so conveniently over me
he's forgotten the refrain

JESUS SAVES

-Shane and Shane

"For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, 'Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them'."
-Galatians 3: 10

"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us, for it is written: 'Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree'."
-Galatians 3:13

Ransomed Heart

Life is a Story. This is true for every soul.

It is a love story, we assure you. But it is set in the midst of a life and death battle. That is why it seems so hard.

The story of your life is the story of the journey of your heart through a dangerous and beautiful world. It is the story of the long and sustained assault on your heart by the Enemy who knows who you could be and fears you. But it is also the story of the long and mysterious pursuit of your heart by the God who knows you truly and loves you deeply.

-www.ransomedheart.com