6.13.2007

Conqueror?

I'm in the midst of the biggest battle yet.

And I feel so defeated.

So…out of control.

I'm more than a conqueror, right?

It says so in Romans 8:37 – "No, in all things we are more than conquerors…"

Here's the key, the rest, the part I must be forgetting – "…through Him who loved us."

For some reason I can't fully process that though. What is my problem? I realized today that the heartbreak I experienced, and the fear, doubt, lack of trust that resulted, are nothing compared to the heartbreak that Jesus felt on the cross. What would we do if he held that over us? What would we do if he responded to his heartbreak the way I've responded to mine?

Here's where the battle comes in…

What if my lack of trust is legitimate? Can I really trust my heart with him? (Not talking about the Lord here…)

Sometimes when I remove myself from this situation it seems so trivial, so ridiculous. Is this something that should be weighing me down as much as it is?

Ugh…I'm so sick of thinking!

Father, teach me to trust in YOU with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. Make my paths straight. Forgive me for taking matters into my own hands, for not loving or forgiving like I should. Renew a steadfast spirit within me. Show me that I am more than I conqueror, not by my own strength, but solely through the perfect love of your perfect son, Jesus Christ.

6.04.2007

Just Don't Seem to Mend

Today is a significant day. Every time I write '6/4/07' on the little pink message pads at work, bittersweet memories resurface...especially the hard-to-supress bitter ones. I hate it. Not necessarily the event, but the fact that I can't forget it.
I actually tried to tell myself yesterday that my heart wasn't really broken. That made me laugh.

Why is it taking me so long to get completely over this? Maybe it stems from the "lessons" taught in my history classes. "Those who fail to remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Maybe, in some twisted way, I believe that if I hold on to it it won't hurt as much if it happens again. (Key word: if.) But what really happens is that I become paranoid and untrusting. Here's my version: "Those who fail to let go of the past are condemned to become psycho".

This fear is like a plague. It keeps resurfacing. That's when I take different approaches, like the other day, trying to convince myself that my heart wasn't really broken. The problem is that the problem isn't mine to fix, and I forget that all too often.

How does true restoration take place? I know the ultimate answer...the 'end'...but what are the 'means'?