For Real

Let me be real for a second. Yea, I'm ok. I know God's got His hand on me, I know He's gotta plan for me, and I know that He's protecting me from heartache so much greater than I've experienced this past month or so. But don't think it doesn't hurt like crazy, that sometimes, for a split second, I feel so empty and so alone and so hopeless and so ripped in half that I can't breathe and it takes a strength that's not my own to start again. I can't describe to you what it feels like "knowing" what your future consists of, of having a two-year plan, and being so certain that it was God's will, only to find out that you were wrong. I'm left not only wondering what the stink the next 2 months holds for me, much less two years, but also wondering if it's ever really possible to "know" God's will for your life. I constantly find myself asking, "what did all of that stuff mean, God? All that stuff that made me so 'sure'? Was I ever really sure? Was it all just some self made fantasy!?"

This whole process of retrospection, and self-evaluation and sad realization has got me so jacked up that I really don't know who I am. So now, when you think of me, know that I don't have it as together as it appears. Let me go ahead and step down from any pedestal that some may have me on. I'm sick of knowing that if people knew who I really am, they'd probably wish they never knew me in the first place.

Praise God that He is so faithful and never leaves me hanging, never leads me on, and doesn't fill me with empty promises. Praise God that He SHOWS me love, instead of just saying it. Praise Him that He never disappoints.

This is me admitting that I don't have it all together, and I never will if I'm the one writing the story.

This is me surrenduring every chamber of my heart to Him, and giving Him the pen.